What would you say to your young feminist self?

[jewel1968]

I came across some books by feminist authors (Atwood and French) I read when I was much younger woman and started to read them. It got me thinking about the woman I am today compared to the woman I thought I might have become. I have at times accepted some of the gender stereotyping without too much challenge but knowing in my heart it is nonsense.

Got me thinking about stuff and wondered if others managed to navigate life holding on to their feminist principles or if other women made comprises?

I would say: Question everything

That’s a really interesting question. I read a lot of feminist authors when I was younger and think my teen/twenty something self would be disappointed by some of my life choices. Particularly changing my name on getting married - I regret that now. I did it willingly too - my husband wasn’t bothered. A former boyfriend said a couple of years ago - you are certainly not the hardcore feminist you used to be and it made me think.

Less compromises as I got older. See the shit more clearly for what it is. More radical now than then. Get confidence in speaking out and build support groups around you.

I would say 'don't be so naive'

I will sour the mood, because right now I want to tell her to stay the hell out of feminism, not to sacrifice so much for it in so many ways, and to go and do something else. Anything else.

Because much later in the future a menstrual supplies site will earnestly interview several male-bodied-but-female-identified people about their own experiences concerning periods and nobody thinks it is a joke.

@tilder can you expand. I think I know what you mean but interested to hear specifics.

You thought it was all clear cut. You imagined all women had something in common as a sex class. You were suspicious of the power dynamics within marriage and family relationships and the impossibility of escaping structural inequalities in one's personal life. You were affronted by the ever present threat of male violence, the intrusion of male gaze, the regular harassment in public spaces. You understood you would be marginalised in the workplace, and that your talents would not be recognised in the same way as a man's.

You were right. Don't listen to siren voices who suggest it isn't so straightforward anymore. Don't believe that by making clever choices you can escape this in your own life. Stay safe and stay strong. And in particular, the very first time a man puts you down, belittles you in front of his friends, pushes you, makes you feel bad for not wanting sex, expects you to be responsible for taking care of his share of domestic tasks or otherwise threatens or demeans you, turn around, walk away and don't look back. It will only get worse and you will be diminished by staying.

I guess as a young person I spent a lot of time thinking about how the patriarchy pushes women into wearing heels and make up and shaving their legs. All of this is important to debate but I had the dawning realisation as I entered my thirties that this really is not the biggest battle to fight. I now realise that the biggest battle, for me personally, is the societal expectation that I, as a woman, will be ultimately responsible for care giving. Whether that be for children or for elderly parents. I've watched so many of my friends go from confident, happy independent women to spending all their time cleaning and tidying up after their husband and kids. Their social life, hobbies, interests and careers all sacrificed for the rest of the family. I know there are women for whom this isn't the case but they are still so few and far between.

jewel1968 I dont know how old i was when i first came across feminism. Or became aware of what it is and why people campaign for it.

My parents treated my brother and I equally, but they had (have!) a fairly traditional marriage. My mum stayed at home until db and I were at school. Then worked. I don't remember childcare though. My dad has always had a job with a higher earning potential. They prioritised his career. I remember sitting at the table and saying his job was more important because he earns more.

I read Cosmo in my teens but was more interested in horses than boys. Went to uni. Did a science degree. Got a job.

I don't think sexism that directly affected me really featured until then. It was a real shock the first time. I had been raised to be equal. That my opinion mattered. It was a shock to find that there are expected roles that women fill and my job didn't match.

Only from the die hard traditionalists though. I though my immediate colleagues were enlightened.

Was very surprised when our gender pay gap was published. Big company. Lots of degrees. High end jobs. Progressive people. 40% pay gap.

One of my colleagues, junior and male, said it's because women choose those roles. And work part time.

So yes. I would say don't be so naive.

Sorry for the epic post!

I would tell my younger self:
“Don't ever ease up and think we’ve achieved women's liberation, even when it looks like it. Misogyny and patriarchy are just going to creep back, wearing a different face”

I've watched so many of my friends go from confident, happy independent women to spending all their time cleaning and tidying up after their husband and kids. Their social life, hobbies, interests and careers all sacrificed for the rest of the family.

This. Having children is the moment it all changes for the worse. Starting the nuclear family set up with a romantic partner is the building block for the independence and energy disaster which can unfold once the kids arrive. Kids are also the moment you can morph in a man's eyes from partner to opponent, because of what you will need from him that he may not want to give - and I never saw that coming.

Even if the career isn't sacrificed entirely, you will be seriously exhausted by the battle to maintain it, get all the other stuff done, and fight with your new enemy unbeknownst to you partner to get him to do his fair share.

Hah! Yes giggorata Women's rights are not written in stone.

I think I will share these thoughts with my daughter. Thanks all. Very interesting and insightful. Totally recognise the caregiving point.

Pretty much what AngryResistor said. Also, you can still become that woman. It's taken me a while, but I'm just about there now, and I'm in my 60th year.

I would agree that the care giving role is central to the whole thing.

I love my kids deeply. Wouldn't be without them for the world. Having them has massively limited my career though. I've discussed it with my childless by choice female colleagues.

I don't buy into the 'you can have it all' argument. All the stuff has to be done by someone. Whether it's bringing in money, care giving, running a house. You do it yourself or as a couple or you outsource.

Things don't always progress, it's not a ladder you've climb up and reached the top, somebody can remove the rungs.

Teach vigilance to those who follow

Don't worry about being nice when expressing an opinion and consider older women's warnings even if they sound bat-shit crazy.

Don’t worry about being nice, pleasing other people. You are a person in your own right. whose own feelings and thoughts are worthy and important.
There’s nothing lesser about being a woman, rather than a girl.

Other women will fuck you over, even those who call themselves feminist. Don't believe that it is all sunshine and roses and sisterhood.

Germaine Greer was right

Germaine Greer was right

Seconded. I'm so glad I heard her speak about marriage before I got to the age where I would consider getting married. Thanks Germaine.

If you thought bring female in a man's world was tough, being a mother is much, much tougher.
Having said that, it is an amazing experience and so worth the sacrifice. Especially when your daughter grows up to be a strong feminist like you

"Boundaries, girl. For fuck's sake. And go and look up co dependency."

I have only recently started appreciating feminism (at 30).

I guess I always just assumed that the battle was won, and besides everyone would joke that feminists were lonely old crazy cat ladies ect.... I think the casual mocking held me back from ever looking at it seriously.

Now I understand why though....
Of course men who don’t believe in Women’s Equality would laugh and joke at the women trying to achieve it.
Of course they would try to ensnare the younger female generation to stop them continuing the fight.
Of course they would start rolling back women’s rights the minute women let off the pressure.
and of course they would try a different tactic if the results they wanted weren’t happening.

I would tell myself that just because a man has to accept you in his classroom and workplace, doesn’t mean he actually wants you there and it certainly doesn’t mean that if given the choice, you would be allowed to stay at the “big boy table”.

I was watching the Greer documentary on iPlayer recently and thought that you don't often see women like her in the media nowadays. Can't remember the last time I saw a debate about sex discrimination. You get the odd headline or some stats produced but no deep debate.

I saw a few minutes of a health select committee and one of those being interviewed (think she was one of the health ministers) mentioned almost in passing that vaccination trials tend to be done on males and that it was an issue but no real passion in her voice and no apparent plans to change that.

It seems to me that somewhere along the way it became impolite or something to discuss sexism (and racism) and gradually the debate was silenced.