What would you say to your young feminist self?

[jewel1968]

I came across some books by feminist authors (Atwood and French) I read when I was much younger woman and started to read them. It got me thinking about the woman I am today compared to the woman I thought I might have become. I have at times accepted some of the gender stereotyping without too much challenge but knowing in my heart it is nonsense.

Got me thinking about stuff and wondered if others managed to navigate life holding on to their feminist principles or if other women made comprises?

Social indoctrination is compelling you to be polite to spare the feelings of men, no matter how many of your boundaries they stamp over.

Absorb this simple message, Previous Me. 'Fuck that'.

I think I would thank my younger self actually. She was pretty savvy. She was also pretty good fun and had her head screwed on ok. Made a few mistakes but has helped me be the woman I am today.
She did read Greer though, which helped.

You are not paying attention to older women and mothers lived experience. You will regret this. You are not in an equal relationship where your career is respected and the domestic load is equal and just because it’s currently manageable does not mean it will stay that way or that it will be effectively renegotiated. You do actually know this but are kidding yourself on that it will be fine. Stop it.

I'm not sure what I would say, because it's probably everything my mother told me and half of it I didn't listen!
However I agree with some of the previous posters, don't be naïve, the battle isn't won.

The biggest shock was the pay gap in the workplace before kids/part time became a factor. To find I was paid less than a junior man because I was too 'nice' and didn't threaten to leave every 5 minutes made me so angry.
However I had to learn those lessons for myself, that experience propelled me to fight my corner more. Some of the most important lessons came from men, including one who honestly told me afterwards "why would I pay you more/hire another member of staff if you are happy to do the work of two people without complaint?". Knowing my worth and not allowing my female socialisation to stop me getting it was a key lesson.

But some things I did right - I was clear from the get go that I had no intention of my career being secondary to anyone's.
When I first met DH he said he thought it was important for kids to have a parent at home, as he had. I said he was welcome to be a SAHD when the time came, if he wanted that from a partner however then I wasn't right for him.
10 years later I work full time and he has indeed taken a step back at work to do the childcare.

So know what you want and don't be afraid to fight for it. Because no one else will. That's not just a feminist point but I think girls really need to know it.

Prepare yourself for how unpopular your opinions are going to be to a large number of people, but don't take that as proof that you're wrong.

You were right. Don't dampen down your inner voice because the 'right' people aren't agreeing with you.

I would say:

• realise that being young and pretty got you some jobs (as well as being well-qualified for them)
• realise that being over-40 and invisible stopped you from getting some jobs (despite being over-qualified for them)

• when you first meet your in-laws note that they are a misogynist and a Stepford Wife and this is ultimately the marriage model DH will assume you will adopt. This will cause a lot of arguments.

• when you are made redundant when pregnant get a solicitor who encourages you to challenge it, rather than take the cash and "go quietly"

Memo to younger self: carry your feminism over into your private life. Do not be so desperate for a shag with emotional connection that you turn a blind eye to everything wrong with him.

- realise that being young and pretty got you some jobs (as well as being well-qualified for them)
- realise that being over-40 and invisible stopped you from getting some jobs (despite being over-qualified for them)

Oh yes indeedy! It was only a decade or so later (after I'd been made redundant from a job in academia) that I happened to look their current staff page up out of curiosity. The only female lecturers were young and pretty, the men were allowed to grow old in the job. And I suddenly realised they offered us temporary contracts while we were young and pretty (and relatively low paid therefore cheap to employ) so they could tick the equal ops box, but there was a huge "churn" rate among the junior female lecturers. We weren't allowed to get old in the job.

It was quite startling when it dawned on me.

- when you are made redundant when pregnant get a solicitor who encourages you to challenge it, rather than take the cash and "go quietly"

This in spades

That relationships should have boundaries. It is fine to find porn disgusting and it is not true that everyone likes it. You are not a prude because you don't like porn!

You are right. And lots of people will tell you you're wrong, to get off your high horse and to stop drawing attention to yourself. But you are right. You escaped your teenage abuser because you knew you were right then, keep going. Your daughter will need you to lead her.

@DianasLasso

Memo to younger self: carry your feminism over into your private life. Do not be so desperate for a shag with emotional connection that you turn a blind eye to everything wrong with him.

- realise that being young and pretty got you some jobs (as well as being well-qualified for them)
- realise that being over-40 and invisible stopped you from getting some jobs (despite being over-qualified for them)

Oh yes indeedy! It was only a decade or so later (after I'd been made redundant from a job in academia) that I happened to look their current staff page up out of curiosity. The only female lecturers were young and pretty, the men were allowed to grow old in the job. And I suddenly realised they offered us temporary contracts while we were young and pretty (and relatively low paid therefore cheap to employ) so they could tick the equal ops box, but there was a huge "churn" rate among the junior female lecturers. We weren't allowed to get old in the job.

It was quite startling when it dawned on me.

This is not uncommon. The closer women come to the actual centers of power (which requires getting older, except on television where 20-something gorgeous women run autopsy departments), the fewer will be allowed to slip through. The process is also helped by the (still? always?) unequal care-giving responsibilities of women and men in at least two ways:

These help to keep the women back directly and they help married men who have someone else to deal with the family so that they can focus on their own careers.

When I was just starting out I believe I had a very vague idea that things had been bad for women in the past but that everything was then sorted. I hear echoes of that in social media today, and this may be one reason why young women in feminism have redirected their activism away from women's issues to other concerns.

Because of the successes of the second wave of feminism in the West, places like universities don't openly discriminate against women so young college students tend to only see the sexual harassment and violence aspects of unequal treatment in their lives. Most of the other stuff becomes visible only after a woman enters the labor force and even more when she has children.

I would be embarrassed to talk to my young non-feminist self .

I managed to get to the ripe old age of around 40 before starting to realise that feminism is not just relevant, but essential. I'm ashamed that I never saw things that are now blindingly obvious.

I have two messages for my daughter, though. 1. Never become financially dependent and 2. Make the fucking doctor listen to you.

You were right, if you come out of your liberal feminist bubble (that you put yourself in so you could meet a man and have kids), you’ll feel angry and you’ll see things that you can’t unsee.

@Antibles Your post EXACTLY

Oh I thought I would be different. I read all he right angry books.

Now I’m 45 and doing housework like every other divorcee. Fuck.

You are not paying attention to older women and mothers lived experience. You will regret this. You are not in an equal relationship where your career is respected and the domestic load is equal and just because it’s currently manageable does not mean it will stay that way or that it will be effectively renegotiated. You do actually know this but are kidding yourself on that it will be fine. Stop it.

This.

In other words: Do not go part time or otherwise compromise your career unless he fucking does too.

@Gwynfluff

You were right, if you come out of your liberal feminist bubble (that you put yourself in so you could meet a man and have kids), you’ll feel angry and you’ll see things that you can’t unsee.

This was me too!

Put women first in everything you do - your politics, your conversation, even the way you move through the world. Stop prioritising the feelings, opinions and physical space of men.

It will feel very odd at first, but the sooner you do it, the quicker you will see the massive difference it will make in your life and the lives of the women around you.

You'll get pushback for doing it, probably all your life, but you will also create ripples, as other women witness a woman modelling something powerfully counter-culture, see that it is possible, and find their courage through your example.

If you do this, you will change your life, the lives of your sisters, mothers, aunts and daughters, and maybe even the world. Don't let anyone tell you feminism is about doing anything else.

Tell a man no to find out who he really is.

You do NOT have to be nice if someone is making you uncomfortable.

Your rights are not automatically trumped by someone with a penis.

And oh to have the confidence of a mediocre man.

Hello - this is future me. You’re never going to believe this...

I wrote a paragraph but what Serenity says is too true.

'And oh to have the confidence of a mediocre man' this made me laugh but it is soooo true.

Don't sign the petition letting the violent man into the women's prison. Have a think, him wearing a dress doesn't make him female.

Please recognise that your interest in sustainable development in Africa and your feminism are about the same thing. Stop idolising male thinkers and read some African feminists. It will all be clearer much sooner.

Oh and in your 40s feminism will become batshit. Ignore that and focus on women and girls.

Also, stop shagging mediocre, superficially strong men. Shag other men.