Please help me process my reaction to what my teenage daughter is wearing.

[AlexaShutUp]

I have a 15yo dd. We generally have a great relationship - we talk a lot, and usually see eye to eye. She is very sensible and has a lovely bunch of friends. And I believe that I have raised her to be a proud feminist.

She has gone out to meet with some friends in a park today. Not sure if it makes any difference, but they all happen to be female. She has been brilliant through lockdown, and has only recently started to socialise again, so she was looking forward to it.

She and her friends were planning to take a picnic to a field near our house. I came upstairs while she was getting ready, and found myself shocked by what she was wearing. A short (mid-thigh) white skirt and a strappy white top. It wasn't indecent in any way, but just exposed a lot more flesh than she would usually. Mainly just shoulders/arms and legs. No cleavage, no midriff showing.

I'm not sure exactly what I said, but I think I asked her something like "is that what you're wearing?", probably with some judgement in my tone. I then said that the skirt was nice but quite short. She commented that it was ethically sourced and made from recycled material!

She then asked me what was wrong with what she was wearing. I couldn't really articulate a response, but I also found myself wondering what her dad would think about her going out like that. She then said did I want her to change her top. I said no, but she did anyway, and put on a t-shirt with sleeves. She said that she had considered this top originally but decided on the strappy one because it's hot today and she thought it went better with the skirt. In one way, I felt better when she had the t-shirt on, as she was more covered up, but on the other hand, I hated myself for even thinking about it. Why should I actually care if her shoulders are exposed ffs? And actually, she was right that the strappy top actually looked a bit better with the skirt.

I told her that it wasn't my place to tell her what to wear, and that she should wear whatever she liked. She then got a bit tearful and said that she didn't want to be judged. We talked about it some more, and then she said that as a feminist, she felt that she should be allowed to wear what she felt good in. I agreed, and she went back to wearing the strappy top. She did put a jacket on top, but I think that was just for my benefit, and I'm sure it probably came off a few meters down the road.

I gave her a hug before she went out and told her that she looked lovely (she actually did) and that my reaction was my problem, not hers. She seemed ok at this point, and has hopefully long since forgotten about it all.

However, I am bothered by my reaction and need help processing it. Objectively speaking, there really wasn't anything wrong with what she was wearing, so why did I have such a visceral reaction when I saw what she was wearing?

You are just reacting to her growing up. It can feel a bit sad

Was it because she looked 'grown up' ? I don't have teenagers yet, but I imagine that is something you have to adjust to.

Yeah, maybe it was just a reaction to her looking grown-up, I don't know. She looked stunning, to be fair. However, I hate myself for having been so judgmental about her choice of clothes. I never wanted to be that parent.

It will be because she's grown up/ over dressed for a picnic. My little sister gets more dressed up to go to the park or for a picnic than I did to go out out - it's the Instagram effect! They're way more bothered about looking fashionable for a picnic for that insta shot than thinking about how uncomfortable it will be to sit in a skirt on the floor for hours/being burnt from the lack of protection on her shoulder.

For what it's worth, I think it's amazing you acknowledged it was your reaction that was the problem, shared it with your daughter and came on here for advice x

Accept it as her need to find herself.
I was convinced my daughter was going to end up as some porn star at 14, I was terrified. (Exaggeration but you know what I mean)
Ultimately she was just growing up and trying to find out who she was. She is now 28 and a complete hippy and will only wear ethical clothing. She also doesn’t show any flesh if she can help it.
Not sure this has helped but basically don’t panic and it’s ok to to shake your head and disapprove (occasionally)

Bloody hell, I was exhausted just reading that. If you had no problem with her wearing it, why bother causing such a drama??

For me, this reaction is an anger that females feel the need to be so exposed to look ‘good’. Not your dd specifically-she has chosen her outfit to look nice but subconsciously you wonder if it is that message the tight, revealing clothing looks ‘better’. I will face similar conflicting thoughts when dd gets older.

And @Itsjustabitofbanter your reaction and user name make me chuckle-I hate banter and am delighted when I find other people who want to talk about situations like the op because I genuinely do have all of these conflicting thoughts. It’s good to be able to discuss and dissect them with others.

Perhaps your reaction was coming from a place of protection? My DD is very slightly younger than yours and seeing them grow up is a joy, but also scary when you have to loosen the strings.
Don't feel too bad. I suspect this is how many young women dress and her friends will be the same.
I think it's really rather sweet that she replied by pointing out it was an eco conscious choice.
Process your thoughts and maybe talk them through with your DD later, if appropriate.

They're way more bothered about looking fashionable for a picnic for that insta shot than thinking about how uncomfortable it will be to sit in a skirt on the floor for hours/being burnt from the lack of protection on her shoulder.

I think this is something to do with it? That you feel she’s dressing for others not herself - unknown ‘others’, approval of society? - if it’s a departure to what she might wear otherwise?

I’d have been more fussed about the white skirt than the top (impractical for a picnic in a field!)

Jeez - this reaction is as old as time - did your mother REALLY never say to you 'you're not going out dressed like that?' No? Well you are a distinct minority. It's what mothers do when their children start growing up and discovering their identity. I did it. Surprisingly it was to my 15 yo DS!

I look back on the clothes I wore age 13-16 and I am horrified by how revealing they were. I'm of the age where it was fashionable to wear backless "handkerchief" tops or boob tubes and very, very low rise jeans (with a thong sticking out the top).

I wanted to dress like that to look cool and fit in with my friends and was pretty naive as to how certain men would react to it. When you're a teenager you don't even really register adults, you're too focused on how other teenagers perceive you.

I think the reason we find young girls in revealing clothes shocking once we're older is because we're no longer naive to the thoughts and behaviours of certain types of men. And, of course, you have a natural drive to protect your daughter.

I really wouldn't beat yourself up about it. It's not anti-feminist to want to protect your daughter but of course it's important (as you did) to make sure she doesn't feel ashamed of her own body.

Was it the juxtaposition between the vulnerability of young girls dressing as an 'adult' (because predatory men use exposed female flesh as a vile excuse for their own behaviour) and the unfairness of that fact (because she should be able to wear whatever the hell she likes without fear)? Vulnerability Vs indignance?

I think it's because older women understand what is behind the Kardashian/instagram/highly sexualised element of women's fashion.

My dd went through a brief stage like this at 12/13. At 15 she's completely mortified looking back at the photos and also understands the social context.

@Haggisfish yet here you are bantering with me and not discussing the situation ;)

I had a little smile when I read this OP. Because in my house, as we are Australians, it is all about being sun smart. So no, going to the park with a strappy shirt is not acceptable sun protection even on a cloudy summers day in London. Even with sunscreen.

Our daughter met a friend a few weeks ago and I checked her with a hat, sunscreen and a shirt with shoulders at least.

Her friend wore the strappy shirt, short shorts and no hat. My daughter sat in full shade and the friend on the edge. The friend complained later that she was terribly sun burnt which must have been really painful.

For me, it's an awareness of bloody horrible men.

I live in a ME country where, depending on the situation, women generally cover most of 'heads shoulders knees & toes'. It's fine for a foreigner not to cover her hair but might occasion a few funny looks in more conservative or rural areas. Equally, shorts or bare shoulders are ok for the beach or within a residential compound but would be seen as inappropriate for the mall.

Harassment of women is a big problem - I haven't been exposed to much of it but my teenage dds get catcalled incessantly if they leave the compound to nip to the nearest supermarket.

One dd deals with this by always, without even stopping to think about it, throwing on an enormous hoody. It pisses me off that she's absorbed the message that how she dresses is the business of random pervy blokes.

The other doesn't give it a thought & will absent mindedly set off in teeny shorts & a strappy little top if that happens to be what she's put on on a hot day! It pisses me off just as much that I then feel I have to say 'dd2, maybe get changed or you'll get hollered at by weirdoes'.

It's a seriously tricky one.

I get this because I did the same thing.

At about sixteen my normally very covered up daughter came downstairs when I was expecting guests in a low cut top. You could see the very tops of her breasts in her bra. But it wasn’t indecent and you see worse in corporate environments. It was that normal.

I asked her to change and said it was inappropriate. It wasn’t. It was fine. I don’t know what was wrong with me, or why I reacted as I did. And we did have an argument and it ended up with me apologising as I was in the wrong. My husband kind of stared at the wall and side eyed me as if it wasn’t happening.

I still five years later feel ashamed about how I reacted, and don’t really understand it either. I suspect it was it felt sexualised and I didn’t want anyone to look at her that way.

It's a standard fashion rule that you either expose decolletage or legs. Not both - it's too much.

Was it the juxtaposition between the vulnerability of young girls dressing as an 'adult' (because predatory men use exposed female flesh as a vile excuse for their own behaviour) and the unfairness of that fact (because she should be able to wear whatever the hell she likes without fear)? Vulnerability Vs indignance?

Yes, I think that probably sums it up pretty well tbh. A desire to protect but also a desire for dd to not have to worry about that stuff, and the conflict between the two. Thank you, that makes sense.

I'm totally with the poster who thought a white skirt was an odd choice for a picnic, but she did at least take a blanket to sit on, so hopefully it won't come home covered in grass stains!

I also agree with the comments re sun damage. However, I'm not too worried about this as one of dd's friends is very fair and burns easily, so I know they will stay in the shade.

I also think it's a protection thing. You know how others will view her and that their thoughts might not be innocent and that might attract unwanted sexual attention / cat calling which she should not have to deal with.
Having a body that's very different to my own daughters' I also think that I project some of my own shame and desire not to expose flesh, but I love that they are body confident (mostly) and hope they never lose that.
I think it's great you were able to reassure her the issue was with you and that you're questioning yourself.

Get in touch with your instincts as a parent and forget the rest. It sounds like your grand ideas of who you want to be aren't in line with your true feelings. Be yourself! You didn't like it, that's cool. You're allowed an opinion, she's still a minor. Nothing wrong with that, you don't have to apologise! Equally you've talked it over well and you're both happy now. You obviously trust her judgement. What's the problem? Kids don't expect parents to understand everything and we shouldn't try to be perfect constantly-way too much pressure!

I suspect it was it felt sexualised and I didn’t want anyone to look at her that way.

Yes, I think that is probably what was going on for me, too. I'm sorry that you are still feeling bad about it five years on, but it sounds like you did what you could to make it right at the time. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one to have reacted in this way.

Having a body that's very different to my own daughters' I also think that I project some of my own shame and desire not to expose flesh, but I love that they are body confident (mostly) and hope they never lose that

That's interesting, there might be some of that going on for me too. Someone asked above if my own mother had never questioned what I was wearing when I was younger. Honestly speaking, she didn't, because I spent much of my youth trying to cover up. I love that dd is so confident about her body, and don't want to project my hang-ups on to her!

Just pour yourself a glass of chilled white and put your feet up. Enjoy the peace.