Please help me process my reaction to what my teenage daughter is wearing.

[AlexaShutUp]

I have a 15yo dd. We generally have a great relationship - we talk a lot, and usually see eye to eye. She is very sensible and has a lovely bunch of friends. And I believe that I have raised her to be a proud feminist.

She has gone out to meet with some friends in a park today. Not sure if it makes any difference, but they all happen to be female. She has been brilliant through lockdown, and has only recently started to socialise again, so she was looking forward to it.

She and her friends were planning to take a picnic to a field near our house. I came upstairs while she was getting ready, and found myself shocked by what she was wearing. A short (mid-thigh) white skirt and a strappy white top. It wasn't indecent in any way, but just exposed a lot more flesh than she would usually. Mainly just shoulders/arms and legs. No cleavage, no midriff showing.

I'm not sure exactly what I said, but I think I asked her something like "is that what you're wearing?", probably with some judgement in my tone. I then said that the skirt was nice but quite short. She commented that it was ethically sourced and made from recycled material!

She then asked me what was wrong with what she was wearing. I couldn't really articulate a response, but I also found myself wondering what her dad would think about her going out like that. She then said did I want her to change her top. I said no, but she did anyway, and put on a t-shirt with sleeves. She said that she had considered this top originally but decided on the strappy one because it's hot today and she thought it went better with the skirt. In one way, I felt better when she had the t-shirt on, as she was more covered up, but on the other hand, I hated myself for even thinking about it. Why should I actually care if her shoulders are exposed ffs? And actually, she was right that the strappy top actually looked a bit better with the skirt.

I told her that it wasn't my place to tell her what to wear, and that she should wear whatever she liked. She then got a bit tearful and said that she didn't want to be judged. We talked about it some more, and then she said that as a feminist, she felt that she should be allowed to wear what she felt good in. I agreed, and she went back to wearing the strappy top. She did put a jacket on top, but I think that was just for my benefit, and I'm sure it probably came off a few meters down the road.

I gave her a hug before she went out and told her that she looked lovely (she actually did) and that my reaction was my problem, not hers. She seemed ok at this point, and has hopefully long since forgotten about it all.

However, I am bothered by my reaction and need help processing it. Objectively speaking, there really wasn't anything wrong with what she was wearing, so why did I have such a visceral reaction when I saw what she was wearing?

I wasn't an excellent teenager, *Irma, just didn't have the confidence to wear anything that might have drawn attention to me. My main goal was to blend in as unnoticeably as possible.

I think it's good that you apologised to her, and that you posted here to get help get different perspectives to help you unravel your reaction.

Maybe with that understanding the next step is to explain it to DD and have the discussion in mature terms so that she gets where you're coming from - rather than just apologising without explaining - but without judgement and making it clear that it's her decision what she wears, not yours.

Don’t visit Spain 😁 dd similar age did a spanish exchange last summer your dds outfit positively nun like compared to what spanish teens wore. Made me relax abit tbh

I told her that it wasn't my place to tell her what to wear, and that she should wear whatever she liked

She is 15, yes it is your place

I think This is an understandable protective reaction to a grown-up looking version of your daughter.

For what it’s worth, I agree that clothes do not always matter when it comes to instigating inappropriate male attention. When I was 16, just after my O-levels, I was volunteering in a conservation charity, wearing wellies and T-shirts and mud most days and I was the recipient of attention from a much older male (In their 40’s) Who informed me, that he wanted to take my virginity and would be gentle with me.

So I guess, you don’t want your daughter to have experiences like that, but sadly we cannot stop them happening to our children, but we can try and prepare them for the possibility of them happening and how they may wish to respond.

I can't see what you needed to judge about that outfit. It doesn't sound 'revealing' in any way, just cool for warm weather. I'd be very wary about judging her for this, it is not fair. She is not there to police male behaviour by limiting what she does. Men police their own behaviour.

I'd be very wary about judging her for this, it is not fair. She is not there to police male behaviour by limiting what she does. Men police their own behaviour.

You are absolutely right. That's why I was upset about my own reaction. It was not fair.

So let's agree that male behaviour can be bad regardless of what women/girls wear. What is it then that we worry about when our daughters wear revealing clothing? Can we articulate that to ourselves?

And is it only when flesh is exposed that we think it is revealing? I remember a mum on here a while back whose DD was told to wear a bra by the school. If memory serves me I think the DD just didn't like bras but in every other respect adhered to uniform policy. That made me ponder a lot about our social norms and just how sexualised our society is.

Thanks OP. What I find odd is that you reacted to what sounds like a very normal outfit.

What I find odd is that you reacted to what sounds like a very normal outfit.

Yeah, I know. I think I just reacted to seeing more flesh on show than usual. Not trying to justify it though. There was nothing wrong with what she was wearing.

Don't feel bad OP. Your reaction was understandable and you were very sensitive to her about it.

Why do young girls feel the need to go out wearing very short, revealing clothes? Why don't boys feel the same? Why do girls dress to be ornamental, to appeal to the male gaze, and boys dress for comfort and functionality?

As a teen I wore a lot of things like miniskirts, knee high boots, heels etc. Now that I look back my whole identity was based around being attractive to men, and I don't think it was particularly healthy. It's better for you to let your daughter make her own choices as the teen years are a time of self-exploration and discovering one's own independence and identity, but that doesn't mean you have to like what she wears, and I don't think you should feel bad for being upset by what you saw. What you realised when you saw her was how hypersexualised teen girls are, how inappropriate that is considering that they are still only children, and yet how normalised it is in wider society.

You shouldn't feel guilty for seeing things as they really are, and being disturbed by that.

I was volunteering in a conservation charity, wearing wellies and T-shirts and mud most days and I was the recipient of attention from a much older male (In their 40’s) Who informed me, that he wanted to take my virginity and would be gentle with me.

Aaaarghhhh what a horrendous creep. Why are some men like this? How do they have the fucking nerve???

I think you used your visceral reaction in a good.way. It sounds as though she wanted to be able to express herself and fit in with peers without it costing her the sense that you are on her side and a protective kind of presence. Tricky waters to navigate and the feelings are messy on both sides, but that's what growing up looks like in practice,

My kids are older than yours

the day you walk down the stairs and realise that your daughter has the sort of cleavage she destroyed in you by breast feeding

the day you see your son wandering around in his boxers and realise that 19 year olds are at their absolute peak

the day you realise that they have shut the bedroom door when friends come round FOR A REASON

its quite scary
but also an amazing sense of achievement