I am so, so tired

[terrifiedlesbian]

Just as the title really. I'm so tired of being told that I'm a bigot for not wanting to sleep with trans women, that being a lesbian at all is bigotry, that using the term lesbian instead of queer or pan is bigotry. Even my fucking therapist was shocked when I said I wouldn't want to sleep with ANYONE with a penis, no matter how they 'identify'. EVEN MY GIRLFRIEND DISAGREES WITH ME. I'm absolutely exhausted, and have been called a TERF so many times now that even opening facebook or reddit or basically any article about sexuality or pride or anything remotely related, give me an instant stomach ache. I'm so fucking tired.

I'm not surprised you're tired. It's so incredibly frustrating. You love who you love.

I'm so sorry. Do you have anyone irl who you can talk to about this without judgement?

That's really rough OP, I'm not sure I'd cope with criticism for my moral position in such close quarters.

Do you have anyone you can talk to in real life? The T*RF is losing all meaning it's said so often.

I am also tired, for the same and for different reasons. You are not alone but take a rest and just replenish. This is no long even a marathon, it's longer than that!

A few friends, but very few. All of them are straight women. Everyone I know who identifies as something on the LGBT+ spectrum is essentially now 'queer' or thinks we should just 'be nice'. It's fucking lonely.

Well we should all be nice. But only if everyone follows that mantra too. As long as TRAs are so violent it's just can't happen. I'm sorry you're feeling so beaten down. It sucks.

You need a new therapist. Seriously. (Not Alex Drummond, obvs) It is totally out of order for anything in a therapeutic role to pull that shit on you. I'm straight, but if my therapist called me out for not wanting to sleep with men with a vagina I'd be outer there, but not before I'd given her a piece of my mind. After all, it's not as if therapists can dox you.

^This

No advice just endless sympathy I can only imagine how shit it must be to be a lesbian now especially if your girlfriend isn't GC

I agree regarding your therapist. I would also go as far as to find out who their accreditation is with and make a complaint. So much for unconditional positive regard!

Many of my gay and lesbian friends are also embracing queerness over same sex attraction... It's so puzzling to me because I know for a fact that none of them would ever sleep with someone with a penis and in a different life a long time ago would have scoffed at the very idea of a lesbian with a penis. We have had one discussion that didn't go well and since then a silent agreement to love each other and never mention it again. It's hard.

Tell your therapist that telling a lesbian they should accept penis is conversion therapy.

I'm sorry but I'd also be questioning my relationship too in your situation.

My partner and I have basically agreed not to talk about it anymore. It's very hard - I love he. She's not much younger than me and yet it feels like there's a huge generational gap in our approach to this.

That must be a lonely place.
Your therapist is out of order.
I'm straight but have talked to some of my lesbian friends. One agrees broadly with the GC position, another (younger) is all 'be kind'. I would bet neither of them would countenance a relationship with a transwoman. They're both in steady long term relationships so it's not realistically an issue they are going to face for real anytime soon.

I love her! Not he!

That's so shit.
I've just been told that I need to educate myself because trans ideology isn't trying to erase homosexuality and that I'm a transphobe. Also that if I'm not LGBTQ I should just keep out of it.

Find another therapist.

Sorry about your girlfriend, it sounds like this is going to be a splinter in your relationship that becomes too painful to live with.

Easier said than done but maybe time to find a new scene and new friends?

I really do think that lesbians get the shittiest end of the stick in this whole shit show. For so many reasons.
Does your girlfriend not believe in same sex attraction then?
I don't know what to say really.
I know several old school gays who hate this adoption of 'queer' which has always been a slur until straight people adopted it to sound cool.
Ugh. It's fecked up.
Sorry OP. I think there are pockets of GC lesbians about the place and I hope you find them.

Is your girlfriend bisexual and lacking in empathy? Or just a raging hypocrite?

I'm always staggered by how many raging hypocrites there are when it comes to this issue, but it helps me to remember that raging hypocrisy is the human condition. We all tailor our conscious belief system in the interests of social acceptability, to make ourselves look good in our own eyes and therefore in the eyes of other people. Some of us are awkward-squad members, and have more difficulty than most in disregarding the evidence of our own senses in order to fit in better. But still, everyone does it, that's what our consciousness is for.

Sorry you're dealing with this shit, OP. Remember being able to see through hypocrisy can be a superpower of sorts, if you use it to surround yourself with good people and fellow awkward-squad members. Hope things get better.

What?!?! I can’t believe I’m reading this. People, including your therapist, are shocked at you for not want to have a sexual experience with someone with a penis? This is insane. And not okay. I’d be quitting my therapist and telling that therapist exactly why. No one should ever shame you over your sexual preferences. I’m utterly shocked at this. It is no one else business what you do in the bedroom (unless someone is getting hurt).

It’s no ones business but yours and no one should ever make you feel ashamed.

My partner used to identify as bi, but now as queer.

Many many of us lesbians agree with you OP. But as so many of what used to be safe spaces for women have been colonised and taken over by these new fangled male lesbians with penises and an overwhelming desire to silence biological women, it's hard to speak out, let alone to be heard.
The women's /lesbian groups that centre women that I know of have all gone underground. I'm not sure what you can do about a partner who believes that men can become lesbians - it would be a deal breaker for me but then I'm older and far fewer older lesbians are in thrall to men.
And yes to quitting your therapist - telling you that you should be sleeping with a penis is conversion therapy. Vile.

I have wondered a few things in relation to this today.

A) would a trans 'lesbian' be called discriminatory for not wanting to sleep with another trans 'lesbian' with a penis? As from what I can gather they more often seem to be seeking and focusing on the prospects of relationships with biological females with vaginas.

B) where are the gay men being harassed for not wanting to be in a relationship with FTM trans with vaginas? Why is it overwhelmingly just the MTF 'lesbians' who are so adamant that women must accept penises?

C) is all sexuality discriminatory? I'm straight but if I don't want to sleep with a manly-looking lesbian or FTM trans then am I discriminating? Because it's not about genitals? Therefore the only way to not be labelled as a TERF is to be "pan"

I really feel for you OP and even as a straight woman can see from my recent research that lesbians are really suffering at the moment in all this.

I have wondered a few things in relation to this today.

A) would a trans 'lesbian' be called discriminatory for not wanting to sleep with another trans 'lesbian' with a penis? As from what I can gather they more often seem to be seeking and focusing on the prospects of relationships with biological females with vaginas.

B) where are the gay men being harassed for not wanting to be in a relationship with FTM trans with vaginas? Why is it overwhelmingly just the MTF 'lesbians' who are so adamant that women must accept penises?

C) is all sexuality discriminatory? I'm straight but if I don't want to sleep with a manly-looking lesbian or FTM trans then am I discriminating? Because it's not about genitals? Therefore the only way to not be labelled as a TERF is to be "pan"

I really feel for you OP and even as a straight woman can see from my recent research that lesbians are really suffering at the moment in all this.

So sorry for multiple posts!

I'm so sorry. I know it's hard, I'm not a lesbian but I see it all the time. You know you're in the right, we know you're in the right, anyone with half a brain knows all this stuff is nonsense.

I would also be wondering about your therapist... I'd be looking for another one sharpish.