When your mum talks about other women, what is the narrative?

[Anoualler]

I know dads have their narratice also, but I'm interested in mums.

I have very little to do with mine for various reasons but when I do I'm struck by how disparaging she can be sometimes especially about older women and when she will be. For example, she'll talk about 'when I'm an old crow', 'When I'm a bat', 'I'm not a doddery old mare just yet'.

Because when I see her it is very brief and there are loooong gaps in between I don't generally try to explore this with her; time is short so I don't like to put her on the spot (about that or some of the other things she says). But it is strange and sad.

What's your mum like, positive? Encouraging? Fair? Down-beat? Sneering?

My mum puts everyone down. She's massively insecure.

My mum hates everyone equally.

My mum almost never commented negatively about other women, but my MIL is a different story. Watching TV with her is an education in how women are socialised to judge one another. Any female celeb on TV has either 'clearly had work done' or 'needs some work done', their outfits are discussed and dismissed, their weight gain or loss, and so on. I've given up commenting over the years, but now and again I might throw in a comment about how a male presenters tie colour makes them look fat, just to get a reaction.

I never heard her make a positive comment about another woman; they're usually either stealing your husband or trying to. Here's an interesting fact - most things women do can be interpreted as an attempt to steal your husband.

Very judgemental/critical of everyone but mainly other women. To make her insecure self feel better I think. My sister and I strive to behave differently but there is definitely an underlying tendency to do the same, or at least feel better and more confident if the person we’re talking to is somehow less good in some way. I’m trying very hard to flag positives about other women to my daughter.

My mother hates everyone. I’m not sure she even likes my dad that much.

My mum died when I was 8. My step mum never spoke about other people to me.
My Aunt, my mum's younger sister never says a bad word about anyone.

OP I think you're mum's comments are her fear of getting old, rather than specifically a put down of other older women. Unless there's a huge backstory. I say similar things myself, because at my age, properly old age is near, and scary. No criticism of anyone in their 70s or 80s is intended at all.

Endlessly positive, loyal to other women and very complimentary. She's a gem and I know I'm lucky to have her

I don’t think she talks about women we don’t know- strangers on the street or on TV, but she always comments positively on women exercising and goes awww at pregnant women and babies.
MIL is obsessed about long and unkempt hair. I’ve pulled her up in it so now she gasps and tuts.

I think there’s been a positive shift towards backing other women which wasn’t always the case. Maybe people (women?) are more open with each other when they’re having a bad time? Although as I write this I think about the Insta generation who are portraying the opposite. Certainly when I was younger I was much less inclined to admit difficulties than I am now, and I have a much greater tolerance for other thanks I used to. I can’t say the same for my mum.

My mother died a while back but I'm trying to remember things she said.

Can't bring much to mind except "she's a funny [ie odd] woman" - generally said about someone who needed to be handled carefully or she'd take offence / get upset.

A couple of comments about mothers who didn't reciprocate having children over to play (these were made in retrospect, not to me as a child)

Nothing specific I recall, but there are definitely a couple of women I now realise I always regarded as The Posh Friends - perfectly delightful people, but the undercurrent that they might be just a teeny bit patronising

Oh, and there was the time she told me about her mother discreetly pointing out, when they visited auntie who had gone up in the world just a tiny bit, that said auntie didn't wash properly around the handles of her teacups...

Oh, she did tell us that Harriet was far too old to have long hair, and we should make sure we had ours cut by the time we were fifty

(Harriet was a bit of a lentil weaver)

I remember my mum being singularly unimpressed by the woman who was the first to sail around the world single handed (Ellen Mcarthur I think?). Also by anyone over about 35 who decided they wanted to do a degree / Phd or join U3A / WI / volunteering or the business women's organisation in our town. Not that she talks about women in a bad way, other than in the context of her snobberies (talking with local accent, dropping t's etc), but she's just as harsh about men too in those contexts.
But she definitely does not see why women should want to try to excel themselves, and celebrate it, particularly if they are not 21 (but she even spoke of how a young relative of my brother was consumed with her own ambition and drive, so maybe it's not even age that bothers her). Despite passing the 11+, my mum was not expected to do anything other than be a secretary and have children and it's proven to be a conditioning she has not seen fit to change.

My Mum didn't really pass comments, I hadn't really noticed that! But she often witnessed poor or indifferent parenting due to her job and she found that very difficult. I think she particularly disliked women who spoke unkindly to their kids.

Critical of everything and everyone and the least self aware person I know.
My life's ambition is to not turn into her.

My mother is down right nasty too and about other women. I honestly think it’s a mix of low intelligence and self projecting. There’s not one women she’s hasn’t been nasty too including her own sisters, me & my dd.

I can’t be around her much now, it’s awful to hear and very draining. I’ve ensured that I’ve become quite the opposite as I can see it eats away at her and it’s truly awful.

I manage a number of women & I actively try to build them up daily. I want that to be part of me.

My mum cant see anything outside her own experience in life. she has no empathy for others. All people in poverty are there because they dont make an effort and there's 'no excuse' She comments constantly on other women's appearance. Thinks anyone who gets assaulted probably brought it on to themselves by something they did. Thinks women with ambition or who have a career aren't a complete women until they have bred and success is a poor substitute for fulfilling their true role, which is to pander to a man and make babies.
Has never congratulated me on any work success, but goes into raptures if I buy new cushions or get my hair cut, because thats what I should be concerned about.
Even now I,m 50 she is desperately clinging on to the hope that I will turn into a good little homemaker and stepford wife and celebrates anything that fulfills that role.
She despairs at the fact that I dont want a relationship. wear jeans and t shirts and CBA dyeing my grey hair.
Apparently if I made a bit of an effort I could get a man.

My mum is 70 and everyone older than her is a "little old lady".

She is generally very critical of other women though and always has been. I only really noticed it since I 'grew up' and spent more time apart from her. Now I realise that whenever we go anywhere she is commenting on other people's clothes, hair, body shape constantly and I have started questioning her tbh. Things like "god, she really shouldn't be wearing that" I would previously have mmmm'd I will now ask "why?" So she is forced to say "because she is fat" and once she verbalises it she is sheepish so recognises it isn't acceptable.

I had an eating disorder as a teenager and I now understand the importance she places on the way women look was a big contributing factor.

My mum sees women positively. She is very protective of womens rights and tends to be focussed on what the women do well and sympathetic to difficulties faced. She isnt that impressed with men though! Grandsons have had to teach her that boys are ok too.

My mother is awful. Doesn't have a good word to say about anyone. And nothing is her fault either. I have as little to do with her as possible.
Sorry that's not what you were asking but I'm 53 and still traumatised by her.

OP I think you're mum's comments are her fear of getting old, rather than specifically a put down of other older women. Unless there's a huge backstory. I say similar things myself, because at my age, properly old age is near, and scary. No criticism of anyone in their 70s or 80s is intended at all.

I certainly believe this is the case, deffo. It's just that they are very female-specific words, 'bat', 'crow', 'mare'. She does also use 'diva' and 'trollope' a lot, but you weren't to know that!

Some really interesting comments on here. My friends and aunty use very positive language all round, it's probably that which throws the terminology into stark relief.

My mum is positive about every other woman other than myself, her daughter

my Mother is incredibly critical of other women, especially ones who aren’t playing little wifey.She’s especially rude about over weight women, of which she is one, and she calls women who sleep with different men all the names under the sun, despite the fact that she has had many affairs herself. Mind you she’s also unashamedly racist.

My mum died 7 years ago. She was generally quite positive and encouraging, I heard the occasional tut/ comment about outfits/hairstyles of people in the public eye/ on tv but that could apply to men too. She did have a thing about hair being up and if there was ever a bride with her hair down, however nicely styled, she’d say ‘you think she’d have had her hair put up for her’. No idea why that bothered her so much.

She liked having her daughters go shopping with her and vet what she bought so she didn’t end up looking like ‘a little old lady’.

She definitely thought women whose husbands made any kind of contribution to household tasks or childcare were lucky though, and that the men were ever so good for ‘supporting’ their wives to be able to have a career.