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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Think divorce is inevitable - opinions please

57 replies

WorriedWoking · 13/04/2020 15:16

Like everyone else I am currently locked down and my partner's anger (he has a diagnosis of paranoid personality disorder) is becoming more and more worrying. He is a Jekyll and Hyde type who can appear calm and not exactly happy, because he is never by his own admission happy, before exploding with rage at something he perceives me to have done. I have not usually done anything or, if I have, I've not done it knowingly.

He is currently under a psychiatrist but I have found out that he is binge watching (him, not the psychiatrist as far as I know!!) MGTOW/MRA/Red Pill videos which degrade women including single mothers, 'old women' in their 30s, 40s and 50s, 'entitled women', 'gold diggers' and any other offensive and abusive trope you can think of.

He is claiming that the world is run by women and that men like him who are completely innocent are their victims. I am obviously included in this peculiar and objectively untrue world he's currently inhabiting and he has provided 'stats' to 'prove' to me that women are the violent sex.

I think he's completely lost the plot but he's still on his medication as far as I am aware -I don't monitor it. I have to confess to taking a sneaky look at his phone when he left it on the table and I can see that he is looking at dating sites and on RightMove for flats to buy in the city in which he works.

So, I guess I'm just here for tea and sympathy and reassurance that lockdown will be over at some point so that I can file for divorce. Thanks for reading :)

OP posts:

LouHotel · 13/04/2020 15:38

OP has there been any other changes to his behaviour that would suggest he’s having a psychotic break or likely to hurt you?

The exploding with rage coupled with the fact he’s spending a large amount of time looking at ‘ammunition’ Would suggest to me he could be building up to justifying an attack on you.

cordeliavorkosigan · 13/04/2020 15:41

I think you should get some help and be prepared to call 999 . This sounds really scary. Social services? Women’s aid?

Original poster

WorriedWoking · 13/04/2020 15:46

Thank you Lou. His behaviour hasn't exactly changed but his outbursts of self righteous rage are now much closer together and he keeps reminding me that he 'earns all the money' and that if I stopped doing 'whatever it is that I do' i.e. housework, laundry, paying bills, gardening and looking after the pets 'no-one would even notice'. That's kind of true because I have retired on a small disability pension but he seems to feel that he has a major grievance against me now that I am no longer earning a wage.

OP posts:

Original poster

WorriedWoking · 13/04/2020 15:49

Thanks cordelia. I have my phone charged up and on me at all times now and my daughter and I have agreed a code word in case I need to ring her so that she can call 999 on my behalf. I don't think he's at that point yet but I can't pretend I'm not anxious about his behaviour. Sometimes he accepts that he has mental health issues but at other times he says that I am causing them or that I am the one who is ill. I even went to see a psychiatrist myself to check but, after two sessions was told there was nothing wrong with me.

OP posts:

Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons · 13/04/2020 15:50

I agree with the above - please tell someone if he is making you feel unsafe/he seems more unstable.

Do you have contact with his CPN /social worker?
Paranoias can become all encompassing & quite frankly it can be terrifying to be around someone who is in that state.

If you need to leave for your own safety there are avenues available

Original poster

WorriedWoking · 13/04/2020 15:53

Thanks Gibbons. I don't think he has a CPN or social worker unless he's not told me about them? He doesn't even seem paranoid in some ways or at least not as I imagine paranoia to be but perhaps I am just making excuses for him? He's not imagining aliens or hearing voices as far as I know but something isn't right and he's not spoken to me for hours or eaten or drunk anything. He's outside in the gardenand I'm inside but I don't feel as though I want to approach him in case he starts raging at me again :(

OP posts:

LizzieSiddal · 13/04/2020 15:53

Worried are you aware that the new lockdown laws allow anyone to leave their home if they are worried for their safety. The fact you are have already agreed a safe word with your Dd, shows you are in this category.
Can’t you leave the house asap?

Original poster

WorriedWoking · 13/04/2020 15:57

Thanks Lizzie. I'm still not sure if he's a danger to me or not so I'm trying not to overreact but I am staying very alert in case he does anything weird. He seems to be laying slabs now and has been working like fury in the garden since his last outburst at me this morning. I was wondering if I could contact his psychiatrist tomorrow but that probably breaches patient confidentiality I guess? I have written an email to send to him (psychiatrist) but I'm wavering about pressing 'send'.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 13/04/2020 16:05

Contact your local police domestic violence unit and explain the situation to them so they can put markers on your house and phone number, the team (or equivalent in your area) don't just deal with DV.

MedusasButterDish · 13/04/2020 16:15

gov.uk/domestic-abuse

YinuCeatleAyru · 13/04/2020 16:15

I think you should make plans to get out of there sooner rather than later. I agree it is inevitable, and it is far better to move out a day "too early" while you are still safe, than to make plans to leave and not trigger them until after he has started getting violent. It is legal and safe to move during lockdown so long as you are moving into a property that has been completely empty for long enough (virus cells are not thought to be able to last longer than a few days on surfaces)

Noooblerooble · 13/04/2020 16:15

Safety first. Please write to his psychiatrist but only if you feel that will not put you at more risk of harm. So sorry you're dealing with this.

MedusasButterDish · 13/04/2020 16:17

(Sorry, forgot to add . Seeking out snd accumulating material to devalue you is nasty even if it's not dangerous. )

Geepipe · 13/04/2020 16:18

Op please leave as soon as possible. You can't continue to stay waiting for what he does next. You say he has a phsychiatrist so he already has deep rooted and probably severe mental health issues and everything he has said to you is very very concerning. If he is in the garden can you sneakily pack a bag and leave through the front door. Everything else can be arranged and sorted after lockdown but right now your life is the priority.

Oly4 · 13/04/2020 16:20

I wouldn’t wait for this to escalate or for him to hurt you, he sounds potentially psychotic. I wouldn’t contact his psychiatrist either, I’d be contacting the police or just leaving him. Can you go and live with your daughter? Permitted under lockdown if you are worried

OhHolyJesus · 13/04/2020 16:27

Another message of support and of hope that you can leave ASAP. No need to wait to see if it gets worse, just go. The rest can be worked out later. Whether he would actually hurt you or not doesn't matter, you don't need to wait to be proven right, just get to safety and please let us know you are ok.

I0NA · 13/04/2020 16:28

You don’t have to wait untit he’s violent to you to prove that it’s abuse.

Boswello · 13/04/2020 16:45

Leave. Don't become a statistic. Just go and sort it all out from afar.

Goosefoot · 13/04/2020 16:47

I would leave, today, and I am generally pretty conservative in my advice. Go stay with family or friends if you can. Whatever is behind his condition it's clearly ramping up. I wouldn't worry about whether it technically follows the rules to leave yet or not. It's not safe or healthy for you to be there and it's not going to be any good for him either becomes violent.

Original poster

WorriedWoking · 13/04/2020 16:50

Thank you everyone. Too many kind people to name individually now but I really appreciate your support. I keep veering between thinking I'm being a wuss and wondering what will happen when he finally comes back inside the house. My daughter actually lives in a little granny flat attached to the house and I am moving my things in there gradually so that he doesn't notice.

He's just come in and walked past me with a face like thunder (nothing unusual there) and said that he thought our daughter would have come out and helped him in the garden but 'she's obviously not interested'. Once again all he can do is blame someone else for his shitty behaviour. She heard him shouting at me this morning and daren't come into the kitchen (she has her own tiny kitchen) so why on earth would she want to help him do anything? I am beginning to despise him as much as he evidently despises me. I have denied that I'm in an abusive relationship for years but I am aren't I? I feel so angry and then sad and then scared and keep cycling round all these emotions. I will update later but thank you all once again. It's nice to know that I am not alone X

OP posts:

OhHolyJesus · 13/04/2020 16:57

Can I ask OP if the granny flat will be a safe space for you and your daughter? It sounds so close by, a degree of separation I suppose but still part of the same property and one he could come into?

Original poster

WorriedWoking · 13/04/2020 18:14

OhHolyJesus, we're hoping to find a bolt to put on the inside of the door of my daughter's flat when he's out at work tomorrow. I think we'll feel safer then if I need to shelter in there. Basically he's a coward and he wouldn't be behaving as badly as this if daughter's fiancé was here with her. Unfortunately he works away and even though he's not working at the moment he's having to stay in another part of the country because that's where he was when the lockdown began.

I feel shattered now. I think there's only so much worry and aggression I can take. As soon as it starts to get dark I'm going to make my excuses and head for bed. I no longer sleep in the same room as him thank goodness. I'm so glad that I had a horrible menopause and he couldn't sleep through my night sweats!!!

Thanks again to you all. I really do appreciate your kindness and so does my daughter who is reading the thread too

OP posts:

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 13/04/2020 18:17

Could you and your daughter both leave to somewhere safer? He could break into the granny flat or attack you on your way to and from the shops.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 13/04/2020 18:20

we're hoping to find a bolt to put on the inside of the door

I once forced a bolted bathroom door to get to a friend who had locked herself to self-harm. You need better security than one bolt: several bolts will slow him down whilst you call the police.

Original poster

WorriedWoking · 13/04/2020 18:22

Thank you. I don't think he really will break in so the bolt is probably over the top if I'm truthful but I think I would feel that we were both safer with it in place anyway. I am probably painting the situation a lot bleaker than it actually is but I do feel very stressed by his behaviour and lockdown seems to be magnifying it. The MGTOW stuff is a new departure certainly as far as I can tell. He's alluded to it slightly in the past but never gone on and on about it for hours. I shall do my very best to stay safe because I'm feeling pretty angry now and feel that he doesn't have any right to treat me like this.

OP posts:

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