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Original poster

Think divorce is inevitable - opinions please

57 replies

WorriedWoking · 13/04/2020 15:16

Like everyone else I am currently locked down and my partner's anger (he has a diagnosis of paranoid personality disorder) is becoming more and more worrying. He is a Jekyll and Hyde type who can appear calm and not exactly happy, because he is never by his own admission happy, before exploding with rage at something he perceives me to have done. I have not usually done anything or, if I have, I've not done it knowingly.

He is currently under a psychiatrist but I have found out that he is binge watching (him, not the psychiatrist as far as I know!!) MGTOW/MRA/Red Pill videos which degrade women including single mothers, 'old women' in their 30s, 40s and 50s, 'entitled women', 'gold diggers' and any other offensive and abusive trope you can think of.

He is claiming that the world is run by women and that men like him who are completely innocent are their victims. I am obviously included in this peculiar and objectively untrue world he's currently inhabiting and he has provided 'stats' to 'prove' to me that women are the violent sex.

I think he's completely lost the plot but he's still on his medication as far as I am aware -I don't monitor it. I have to confess to taking a sneaky look at his phone when he left it on the table and I can see that he is looking at dating sites and on RightMove for flats to buy in the city in which he works.

So, I guess I'm just here for tea and sympathy and reassurance that lockdown will be over at some point so that I can file for divorce. Thanks for reading :)

OP posts:
MrsDoylesTeaBags · 13/04/2020 18:35

Now is not the time to start minimising his behavior, I know its scary but trust your gut. You're at an age where you should be Able to enjoy life on your terms and not have to tiptoe around his mood swings.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 13/04/2020 18:41

If it was me I'd be getting a lot further away than an attached granny flat, Worried. I'm also not sure that the police can be trusted to turn up in a timely manner. Is there anywhere else both you and your daughter could go? The way he was muttering about her I'm not convinced she's safe there either. As others said earlier, his behavior reads to me like he's working himself up to an attack.

Justhadathought · 13/04/2020 18:58

I would leave, today, and I am generally pretty conservative in my advice. Go stay with family or friends if you can

Me too! Get out ASAP.

You don't say if you have children?

Justhadathought · 13/04/2020 19:02

Sorry , see your daughter is living in attached accommodation. I feel feel really anxious for both of you. Feel you both need to remove yourselves from the situation ASAP - even if just a short term move initially.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/04/2020 20:09

Your daughter is in an annexe of your house? Sorry, but that's just way too close! Is there somewhere both of you could go? Other family? Your daughter's fiance's family? These are extraordinary circumstances we are living in now, and I fear that they may be affecting your husband's mental health in a way it hasn't been before .

BlackForestCake · 13/04/2020 20:17

I once forced a bolted bathroom door

We're not talking about a titchy little privacy bolt like the kind on bathroom doors though are we? Hopefully.

Lllot5 · 13/04/2020 20:24

If your you and your daughter have a code word for her to call 999. You are too scared to speak to him and you’re planning on getting a bolt for the door may I suggest you leave now. What are you waiting for?

FlaskMaster · 13/04/2020 20:27

Op this is really serious. You need to get some proper advice from a domestic abuse place. Can you look up women's aid? I'm sure most domestic murder victims thought their oh wouldn't kill them, otherwise they'd have left sooner, but "he probably won't" really is not safe enough. You need to get him out or leave yourself. Your dd's partner can come back to where he lives as well. There's nothing banning anyone from going home. Unless there's something going on there he needs to get back ASAP. Get your dd to explain the situation and get him back now.

Oxyiz · 13/04/2020 20:29

Get out OP, please.

This is how women get murdered. Routinely.

Thelnebriati · 13/04/2020 21:36

Please phone your local police and ask to talk to the domestic violence team. Make them aware of your situation.
Then phone Womens Aid.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 13/04/2020 21:41

I was wondering if I could contact his psychiatrist tomorrow but that probably breaches patient confidentiality I guess? I have written an email to send to him (psychiatrist) but I'm wavering about pressing 'send'.

You contacting his psychiatrist with your very serious concerns wouldn't breach medical confidentiality. It would only be breached if the psychiatrist discussed him with you. You passing on your DP's worrying deterioration would be entirely acceptable.

Like other posters I am very concerned with what you are saying. I think you need to go to your daughter, put a heavy bolt on the door, but brace yourselves to make a run for it if he tries to force his way in.

This is the sort of situation that can end in murder. Please don't minimise this.

Qcng · 13/04/2020 22:01

This is a very dangerous situation for you right now, your daughter and you have every right to leave to fine somewhere safer.

Whatever you do don't wait for him to "snap" that'll be too late.

10 women have been killed by their male partners since the first day of lockdown three weeks ago.

Qcng · 13/04/2020 22:01

^in the UK

CodenameVillanelle · 13/04/2020 22:06

You and your daughter need to move away, as soon as possible. He's a very dangerous man, especially now with his paranoia fuelled by the stiff he's binging online and the added pressure of the lockdown.

You need much more than a bolt.

Davespecifico · 13/04/2020 22:11

I think you need to find a way to leave before the lockdown ends. He’s not safe. Is there anywhere you could stay?

IchbineinBerlinner · 13/04/2020 22:31

Get out of there. It'll be horrible when he snaps

R0wantrees · 13/04/2020 22:33

There are useful contact details of supportive services specific to the current crisis at the end of this resource thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3452784-Coercive-Control-a-need-for-better-awareness

As others have said, please don't minimise your recognition of increased risk. The priority has to be you & your daughter's safety & wellbeing.

Sunnyhopefulness · 13/04/2020 22:34

You and your daughter need to gather together your essential paperwork and just go - neither of you sound safe

Thinkingabout1t · 13/04/2020 22:39

Please leave, OP, and your daughter should go with you..He is fuelling his rage with the junk he devours online. He is dangerous to both of you.

twoHopes · 13/04/2020 22:56

I have denied that I'm in an abusive relationship for years but I am aren't I?

Yes you are. I know it feels normal because you've put up with it for years but being constantly fearful of someone's outbursts is abuse. I grew up with a parent like this and it took me until adulthood to realise that it's not acceptable. No one should feel threatened by / fearful of a partner. I agree that you should get out of there - for your own sanity if nothing else.

Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons · 13/04/2020 23:46

WorriedWoking
Thanks Gibbons. I don't think he has a CPN or social worker unless he's not told me about them? He doesn't even seem paranoid in some ways or at least not as I imagine paranoia to be but perhaps I am just making excuses for him? He's not imagining aliens or hearing voices as far as I know but something isn't right and he's not spoken to me for hours or eaten or drunk anything. He's outside in the gardenand I'm inside but I don't feel as though I want to approach him in case he starts raging at me again sad

Unfortunately I have a lot of experience with family with severe paranoia (& schizophrenia) & he hears & sees stuff but you wouldn’t know that by his behaviour until he snaps & lunges at you because your hands sent him a message/he heard the wrong combinations of sirens etc please trust your instincts evolution put a lot of time into them & they served your predecessors well or you wouldn’t be here Flowers

(Round here he would be assigned a CPN by virtue of being on a psychiatrist’s list but that doesn’t mean contact etc.
I imagine your husband probably doesn’t have a social worker - sorry I was thinking in terms of who are most helpful with my family member)

It’s fine for you to contact his psychiatrist btw there are no confidentiality issues - the psychiatrist is responsible for Making sure that they don’t break confidentiality.

I am really worried by the fact your daughter is in the granny flat, I don’t think that is far enough away to keep either of you safe, I’m so so sorry but if he did attack you it possible he will see your daughter as an extension of you & attack her too Sad

Please stay safe Flowers

stumbledin · 14/04/2020 00:36

Not sure which English region or UK country you live in, but here are contacts that might be able to help.

Domestic Violence Helplines UK:

England: 0808 2000 247 www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Scotland: 0800 027 1234 sdafmh.org.uk/

Wales: 0808 80 10 800 gov.wales/live-fear-free

Northern Ireland: 0808 802 1414 dsahelpline.org/

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Domestic Violence Live Chat:

England Live chat: chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Scotland Online chat: womensaid.scot/contact-us/

Wales Live chat: gov.wales/live-fear-free/domestic-abuse-wales

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Find a Local DV Support Group or Refuge:

England: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Scotland: womensaid.scot/find-nearest-wa-group/

Wales: www.welshwomensaid.org.uk/information-and-support/find-your-local-service/

Northern Ireland: www.womensaidni.org/get-help/local-groups/

---

Silent Solutions

Familiarise yourself with The Silent Solution system. This is a system for victims of domestic abuse who might be afraid of further danger and escalation of harm if they are overheard when calling 999 in an emergency.

When somebody calls 999, an operator will ask which emergency service is required. If you are is not able to ask for help, your call will be forwarded to a police system and you will hear an automated message.

If 55 is pressed by the caller, the system will detect this. The operator will then transfer the call to the relevant police force as an emergency. Click here to find out more.

National helplines, email, text and live chat support services, and local specialist services, are currently open for business as usual, although their delivery is likely to have to adapt over the coming weeks.

www.womensaid.org.uk/covid-19-coronavirus-safety-advice-for-survivors/

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There is also this newish service FLOWS www.flows.org.uk/

Your local council should also have a Domestic Violence support unit and may have a homelessness action plan during lockdown eg they have been providing street sleepers with accommodation which may extend to DV survivors as groups such as Southall Black Sisters have been campaigning for this.

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stumbledin · 14/04/2020 00:40

Sorry just realised the title is about divorce (thought getting to safety seems the priority)

You could try the Rights of Women Family Law Advice Line
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

Original poster
WorriedWoking · 14/04/2020 11:27

I just want to thank everyone for your compassion, useful links and advice. I felt so despairing yesterday but you have all helped me to see that I am in an abusive relationship and that I cannot continue like this. I am in the last chapter of my life and I don't deserve to be living with this level of stress and anxiety so thank you all.

I have emailed my husband's psychiatrist and he has been given an emergency phone appointment later today. I feel that my daughter and I are safe at the moment but I had some sort of epiphany yesterday and I have planned our 'exit strategy'. Thanks again everyone x

OP posts:
I0NA · 14/04/2020 11:54

Thanks for the update and glad to hear that you and your DD are safe for now and have an exit plan.

Please know that its ok for you to leave now, you don't have to wait until he does something awful . I don't want to scare you, but i also don’t want you and your DD to be the latest in the dozen women like you that have been murdered in the UK by their husband / father during lockdown.

I can tell that living with him has worn you down. Because you are NOT in the last chapter of your life ( unless you are 95). What are you - early 60s? Unless your disability is life limiting then you could live another 30 years.

Whether you have 30 weeks or 30 years left , you deserve to be happy and free from fear in your own home.