Am I prejudiced?

[Cappachuchu99]

I've created a new account for this post. I feel deeply uncomfortable about it.

DH and I are having difficulties right now. Various agencies have become involved. I was advised to contact our local women's refuge for support. I had an email response from 'Sarah' who asked me to ring. I did so, a male voice answered and I asked to speak to Sarah. They replied they were Sarah. I was shocked and felt very uneasy. It felt disingenuous to be answering as Sarah when they were male (I did some research afterwards and confirmed they are trans). I instantly clammed up, dismissed everything that has been happening and waived the support. Now I feel awful, like I've somehow uncovered a deep prejudice I didn't know I had. But I felt very uncomfortable and didn't want to open up to a man. I'm very surprised that a helpline for women is not being manned by a woman. What on earth is going on and where do I go now?

Cappachuchu99

The priority is your safety & wellbeing.

When you are keeping are yourself safe then you will be very alert to potential risk. This isnt the time to start dissecting where they come from, your priority has to be you.

Freedom Programme have a helpline
They are great & very experienced.

Freedom Programme help line 01942 262 270 or contact our help desk: [email protected].

You will only get women answering
(They do not believe that any man becomes a woman)

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

There are also lists of contact details for women's support services at the end of this resource thead:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3452784-Coercive-Control-a-need-for-better-awareness

I’m so sorry, I think most people understand why you would only wish to speak to a woman (& anyone who doesn’t understand that clearly shows themselves to be the wrong person to be answering those calls)

Another Freedom Program recommendation from me.

TBH if I had been in similar circumstances and the email had been from "Stan" and the person answering the phone had been Stan then I would have found it far less disturbing than the OP's encounter with "Sarah". Still distressing but easier to counter with, "I need to speak to a woman, I can't bring myself to discuss this with a man".

It is really not on that women have to endure that sort of gaslighting when they are vulnerable and seeking help. How in heavens name can it be justified, recruiting people without their knowledge and consent to participate in this mind-fuckery as a "pass" to getting help when they need it?

It is nothing to do with "prejudice" in the pejorative sense about a person and everything to do with the survival instinct kicking in, ie. the ability to pre-judge from past experience how something is going to turn out, for better or ill.

Thank you all for the advice. I will look into the freedom programme when I'm feeling a bit more with it. Appreciate the support.

Is there any way you can email Sarah and ask to speak to someone else? The one consideration should be your comfort, of course it may be that they are operating on a skeleton staff and that is not possible right now.

I know it is very difficult to advocate for yourself when you are vulnerable and don't want to upset someone but your mental safety comes first.

I am so sorry that this happened to you OP. I would have responded in exactly the same way. You are NOT prejudiced in any way, shape or form.

The person who answered the phone to you was male and you expected to speak with a female. That is appalling and abusive (to you).

I - and maybe I am wrong for thinking this - would also be deeply suspicious of any male who wanted to work in this capacity.

I've just been re-reading an old thread & think this post is pertinent.

Lisa Muggeridge comments:

"Any trans woman who wants..
1.Subordination of women.

2.Women forced to say things that are not true.

3.Wants access to domestic abuse victims and rape victims, and those women subordinated to them.

4.Wants access to female spaces and does not see why female consent matters.

1. Defines themselves as a lesbian to give themselves the right to sexually abuse and coerce lesbians.

6, Is triggered or injured by hearing about the reality of female experience and biology.

Every trans woman who wants or demonstrates these things, is telling you they are not only male but an abusive male and a risk to women and girls."

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3284251-Lisa-Muggeridge-Suspended-by-Twitter-and-Quoting-her-breaches-MN-Guidelines?pg=10

TBH if I had been in similar circumstances and the email had been from "Stan" and the person answering the phone had been Stan then I would have found it far less disturbing than the OP's encounter with "Sarah".

This a thousand times. Being gaslit on top of (potentially other) gaslighting and abuse is cruel and unusual. Its clear that Sarah is putting their own personal validation desires above the needs of a traumatised woman; and that alone speaks a thousand volumes as to why they should be nowhere near that helpline.

It’s about you not the person who picked up the phone. So you aren’t being unreasonable. Not one time bit.

Please get the assistance you need.

Have yo disagree with an above poster - suggest not emailing 'Sarah' with those reasons and go to s different helpline like freedom. You don't want someone to go into self righteous TERF hunting mode because an abused woman won't open up to them. This is someone who has specifically sought out a job at a woman's refuge and abuse helpline. Be careful what you say to them or say in writing.

Yes.
It is completely reasonable for a woman to speak with only another woman about male abuse.

It is not neccessary (or probably healthy/helpful) for a vulnerable woman to be required or encouraged to negotiate with a male gatekeeper in order to access appropriate female supportive services.

Wouldn't it be reasonable to say to a "Sarah" that you'd rather speak someone else as, weirdly, you sound just like my abuser, sorry, nothing personal?

Or words to that effect.

You should be able to request someone else, no explanations. They are there to help you.

Even if you did say ‘that person is a man and I don’t want to speak to a man’ (even though this may be a statements of fact, but some people don’t like facts), they do not get to choose who to help and who to refuse.

If a woman feels able to say to a male worker at women's services they would like to speak to a female / someone else then that should of course be reasonable.

The OP was understandably shocked & thrown when speaking with a male worker at women's refuge services when having reasonably expected a female.

Women who are in potential high risk situations shouldn't have to explain why they wish a different worker (& may well find voicing this very difficult)

The thing that matters is that the woman have access to appropriate supportive services as soon as is possible.

It's not you sweetie. You arent prejudiced

What you are is normal. And having been subject to female socialization which forces us to "be nice" and you are trying to reconcile that with what you know to be true and you cant.

I'm.so sorry for this. Its disgusting they are prepared to do this vulnerable women.

That’s truly horrible OP. As others have said, I believe any man that forces himself into such a situation should be regarded with suspicion. You are not prejudiced. You felt the need to talk to a woman, and were not offered what you needed.

I hope you can find proper help elsewhere. I have, in the past, received help from my local shelter. I would have felt the same as you, had I been unexpectedly faced with a male.

What happened is just not acceptable. And maybe at a future date when things are a bit better for you, you could make if not a formal complaint but a comment to the refuge who let a man answer the phone to say how triggering it was. And you should also make this comment to whoever recommended them to you. Under EA they should be making sure that you are able to talk to another woman.

But in the meantime Women's Aid has an online chat service (mornings only) and a survivors forum which you might like to join. www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Or you could see if there is another local service near you womensaid.staging.wpengine.com/domestic-abuse-directory/

(Sorry have assumed you are in England. If not there are support services from Women's Aid in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland www.womensgrid.org.uk/?p=708 )

Also have sort of assumed you have rung the National Domestic Violence Helpline. But if not it is on the list above.

Hope one of these of the Freedom Programme are able to help you.

I don’t blame you. I hope you get the support you deserve

I agree that one should be able to request a woman to speak to, of course.

My suggestion previously was a way of explaining to the abuser on the telephone exactly why that was unacceptable and it could be done without any of the stupid accusations of transphobia.

Actually this has made me really angry the more I have thought about it.

I am disgusted that we have come to this - that a man's validation of feelz is more important than a woman in genuine distress (because of male behaviour).

What can we do?

It’s perfectly reasonable to want to discuss these things with a woman and not a male person who sees himself a a woman.
The organisation is at fault, not you.

Write to Baroness Berridge & local MPs especially if Conservative?

"LAST week the Mail on Sunday reported that the new Minister for Women, Baroness Berridge, has confirmed that male-bodied people, even if they identify as ‘trans’, can be banned from women’s toilets and changing rooms. Presumably she would extend the same principle to women’s other single-sex spaces, services and activities. "

conservativewoman.co.uk/the-tories-let-in-trans-mania-now-they-must-drive-it-out/

Honestly, I don’t mind men working in women’s refuges or helping women. It would not have upset me if a man answered the phone. It’s prejudiced to be suspicious of male allies that dedicate themselves to helping vulnerable women. It’s prejudiced to call a male staff member a gaslighting abuser as some posters have done. It was prejudiced to assume that only women are called Sarah. I have known men called by names that are also used by women- Jayne, Leslie, Carly, Madison, Terry, Alex, etc none of whom are trans. You saw the name Sarah and assumed they were a woman. It’s no different from seeing a certain name and assuming the person is a certain race or religion because of your prejudices surrounding names.

That said, you could have requested to speak to a female member of staff at any time. Just do that in future.