Am I prejudiced?

[Cappachuchu99]

I've created a new account for this post. I feel deeply uncomfortable about it.

DH and I are having difficulties right now. Various agencies have become involved. I was advised to contact our local women's refuge for support. I had an email response from 'Sarah' who asked me to ring. I did so, a male voice answered and I asked to speak to Sarah. They replied they were Sarah. I was shocked and felt very uneasy. It felt disingenuous to be answering as Sarah when they were male (I did some research afterwards and confirmed they are trans). I instantly clammed up, dismissed everything that has been happening and waived the support. Now I feel awful, like I've somehow uncovered a deep prejudice I didn't know I had. But I felt very uncomfortable and didn't want to open up to a man. I'm very surprised that a helpline for women is not being manned by a woman. What on earth is going on and where do I go now?

Have yo disagree with an above poster - suggest not emailing 'Sarah' with those reasons and go to s different helpline like freedom. You don't want someone to go into self righteous TERF hunting mode because an abused woman won't open up to them. This is someone who has specifically sought out a job at a woman's refuge and abuse helpline. Be careful what you say to them or say in writing.

Agree.

Oh come on, Sarah has never been a man’s name! Why did you even write that crap? It is not prejudice to assume Sarah would be a woman.

I have known men called by names that are also used by women- Jayne, Leslie, Carly, Madison, Terry, Alex, etc none of whom are trans.

Yes
Sarah isn't one of the names which are given to both boys & girls as everyone is aware. Its a name only given to girl babies.

..the fuck?

Parody, surely?

This is where I have to urge caution now...

It's not just you.

Please don't let this stop you from getting the help you need from another provider.

If "Sarah" truly were a woman they would have the empathy and understanding that they are fundamentally unsuitable for the role.

It was prejudiced to assume that only women are called Sarah

No words for this.

OP, I'm sorry to hear you are in need of the support of a refuge.

When we talk about 'prejudice' it's in relation to abuse of privilege. That is clearly not the case when a woman is seeking help in a situation like yours. I can completely understand wanting to talk to a woman in this situation, for several reasons. I wouldn't want to talk to any male, however they identified.

For now, I would focus on finding the help that you need. It is out there, and I can't believe that women's refuges won't have a very good understanding of trauma responses and be very sensitive to your wants and needs at this time.

Meanwhile, I am so angry that a male would do this for his own validation.

My suggestion previously was a way of explaining to the abuser on the telephone exactly why that was unacceptable and it could be done without any of the stupid accusations of transphobia.

I know this was a well intentioned suggestion, but I find it painful to even consider that a woman calling a refuge for help might have to think up inventive lies or half-truths in order to avoid the self-righteous wrath of a gaslighting man in order to get that help.

One of the few things that keeps me mentally healthy now is that so far as is humanly possible, I refuse to engage in lies or pussyfooting around male bullies.

I see the Klaxon has gone off.

Take your pick from (much missed) tehbewilderness's rules of misogyny for our friendly MRA monitor:

1st rule of misogyny: Women are responsible for what men do.
2nd rule of misogyny: Women saying no to men is a hate crime.
3rd rule of misogyny: Women speaking for themselves are exclusionary and selfish.
4th rule of misogyny: Women's opinions are violence against men thus male violence against women is justified.
5th rule of misogyny: WATM! Women and Feminism must be useful to men or they are worthless.
6th rule of misogyny: Women who go around being female AT men by menstruating and breast feeding babies deserve punishment.
7th rule of misogyny: Women should always be grateful to men for everything.
8th rule of misogyny: Men are whatever men say they are and women are whatever men say they are.
9th rule of misogyny: Men always know the "real reasons" for everything women do and say.
10th rule of misogyny: The worst thing about male violence is that it males men look bad.
11th rule of misogyny: Basic pattern recognition skills are cruel and evil when they hurt men's feelings.
12th rule of misogyny: whatever women suffer from, men suffer from more.
13th rule of misogyny: Women are not oppressed! Rape and catcalling and objectification are all compliments, not oppression.
14th rule of misogyny: Women have all the rights they need: The right to remain silent.

Ignore PlanDeRaccordement, there isn't a thread I've seen them on where they haven't tied themselves in knots to defend men. That's how you know Sarah isn't actually a woman. Because Plan wouldn't give a toss about them if they were.

This is gaslighting bullshit and will no doubt result in the death of women who are scared away from seeking help.

... find it painful to even consider that a woman calling a refuge for help might have to think up inventive lies or half-truths..

I agree.

Wow, what are the chances that a man called Sarah - a name I have never, ever heard used for a male - would turn up on a helpline for a women's refuge, eh? I wouldn't have expected many males to want to do that job, either, I think most men have an implicit understanding of how and why women want single sex spaces.

Most men.

I wonder what might motivate a man to turn up for that role?

No men are called Sarah, to suggest otherwise is surely a pisstake? . This isn't about males who are recognisably male working in women's services, it's about males who identify as women insinuating themselves into roles no sane male would imagine themselves welcome in.

It’s prejudiced to be suspicious of male allies that dedicate themselves to helping vulnerable women. It’s prejudiced to call a male staff member a gaslighting abuser as some posters have done. It was prejudiced to assume that only women are called Sarah.

Vranchement.

Not prejudiced on either point, and I have never, ever encountered a man called Sarah. What a load of utter couilles.

OP This is by Dr Jessica Taylor
Web: Www.victimfocus.org.uk

"All the things I want to say to women and girls who have been abused by men"

28 Mar 2019
"An open letter to women and girls around the world."
(extracts)
Whether you have been abused, are currently in an abusive or exploitative situation, have recently escaped abuse or are still processing abuse from years ago; this one is for you.

These are the things I would say to you if we were sat together having a drink and eating some cake.

1.None of this was your fault
The first thing I want to tell you is that you are not to blame for the actions, behaviours and choices of the abuser. Make this your mantra. You are never responsible or to blame for the actions of another adult who chose to harm you for their own gratification. Take zero percent of the blame. Accept zero responsibility.

Self blame is extremely common after abuse, trauma and violence. Women and girls are socialised from a very early age to blame themselves for male violence committed against them. From every level of society, you are taught that abuse happened to you because you were asking for it, because you are a bad person, because you are naive or vulnerable, because you make bad choices or even because of what you were wearing or where you were going. In some cases, you’re even expected to ‘know what was going to happen’, as if you have some crystal ball to your disposal. (cont.)

If I was sat with you now, I would be explaining to you all of the reasons why this was not your fault. I promise you, abuse is never ever your fault.

2.Abuse is all about the abuser, and nothing about you
This one is important. Abuse is not because of who you are, what you wore, how you act, what you do, where you go, who you met or where you are from. Abuse is because the abuser wanted it to happen. That’s literally it.

Abuse is the most selfish act someone could commit. They chose to harm you simply because they wanted to. Maybe it made them feel good. Maybe it made them feel powerful. Maybe they got aroused by it. Maybe they like hurting people. Maybe it made them feel important. Maybe they enjoy manipulating people (think puppet-master complex).

Abuse is all about the abuser. It’s all about them. It’s about their motivations, their choices, their methods and their own issues. All grooming processes are actually about the abuser and what they get from the process – not about you. That means that if the process was never about you, and it was all about them, you cannot possibly be to blame.

Abuse is caused by abusers. Start to see your abuser as a selfish, horrible person with issues that cause them to choose to harm others who trust them.

You are not to blame.

3.It is not your job to fix abusive men
How many times have I said this to women around me? Over food. Over cocktails. Over coffee. Hundreds, maybe.

I’ve said it to three women in my life just this month.

The reality is, no matter how much you love this guy, you are not on this earth to fix all of his problems, behaviours and flaws. You are not his mother – and it’s not even his mother’s job to fix him.

When you got into that relationship, it wasn’t so you could end up becoming his therapist, referee, problem solver, lender, cleaner, chef, fixer and rescuer. Was it? (continues)

4.You are not going crazy
If we met, I would definitely be reminding you that all of your symptoms, experiences, thoughts and feelings about the abuse are totally normal and natural. (continues)

5.Friends and family might let you down
A sad reality for a lot of women and girls subjected to abuse is that family and friends often let us down. Research shows that many of us will be blamed, judged, outcast or bullied by our families and friends when we disclose or report abuse. (continues)

6.You are stronger than you will ever know
This one is short but extremely important. You might feel weak and hurt now, but trust me, if you have lived through abuse, violence, assaults, rape, bullying, gaslighting and fear – you are so much stronger than millions of other people. You are incredible. If you have already lived through that and coped (in one way or another) you already have amazing skills, endurance and strength.

Don’t ever let anyone make you feel less than astounding. To live through what you experienced takes strength that some people will never ever know or need. You can do and become anything.

7.Life is going to be different from now on
Don’t panic. I don’t mean in a ‘waaaah your life is doomed’ type way. I mean in a ‘life will never be the same again, because you now have new life experiences and wisdom that will guide you.’ (continues)

You’re still you, but you’ve grown and you’ve changed through trauma. Don’t be scared by this. It’s okay. I promise.

8.The shame is not yours to bear
One thing a few women have talked to me about recently is a feeling of shame or embarrassment when other people find out their husband or boyfriend was abusive. They were worried what people would say about them or whether people would think they were stupid or lying.

I just want to tell you that the shame and the embarrassment sits squarely with the abuser, not you. You have nothing at all to feel guilty about, to be shamed for or to be embarrassed about. The fact that you made it out and escaped the abuser should make you so proud of yourself. Realise the strength you have and had to have every single day to deal with the abuser and their behaviour.

This is their shame and their shit, not yours. Don’t take on any of their shame. Brush it off and tell yourself that this is not your shame.

9.Give yourself time and love
This is one I should practice AND preach. As a victim of abuse myself, I wish I had given myself time and love. But then, I had no one to advise me and no one to talk to. But that’s one thing I wish I knew back then. I wish I had spent some time just being alone, spending money and time on myself, learning to love myself again and learning to be alone again. (continues)

Don’t rush yourself, be kind and compassionate. Take time.

10.Learn who you are again
The final thing I would say to you is this:

Abuse changes you. It makes you smaller. It morphs you into what the abuser wants you to be. It makes you compliant, scared, worried, angry, self-hating and ashamed. When you’ve left an abusive situation, you can sometimes wonder who the hell you turned into. You can sometimes wonder who you are – and where the ‘old you’ went.

It will take time, but learn about who you are again. What do you truly enjoy doing? What makes you happy? What makes you sad? What food do you love? Where would you love to travel? What’s your favourite music? When was the last time you danced? When was the last time you laughed? What fulfils you? What excites you? What arouses you? What intrigues you? What motivates you? (continues)

After abuse, you might spend months or years learning who you really are – away from the control and power of an abuser. Go with the flow and try new things. Listen to your body.

Your life without the abuser is a huge adventure. Yeah, sometimes it is scary – but you are more than capable of dealing with the next chapter in your life.

Love to you,

Jessica x"

*It was prejudiced to assume that only women are called Sarah"

Fucksake 🙄

"This is someone who has specifically sought out a job at a woman's refuge and abuse helpline" This!

At best your well being is not their priority. The worst can be much worse.

Sarah is a Hebrew and Arabic feminine given name found in many different areas of the world. Sarah is a consistently popular given name across Europe and North America, as well as in the Middle East—being commonly used as a female first name by Jews, Christians and Muslims alike, and remaining popular also among non-religious members of cultures influenced by these religions.

Frequently, the name refers to Sarah, the wife of Abraham in the Hebrew Bible, the Christian Old Testament, and the Islamic Quran. In Arabic, Hebrew, and Persian, it means woman of high rank, often simply translated as "Princess". In Modern Hebrew, "sarah" (שרה) is the word for "woman minister".

I think PlanDeRaccordement has short circuited with such an ill judged post.

(above post re the name Sarah from Wiki)

Thank you for all the support, it really helps. I am starting to see myself differently.

For clarity, Sarah was not their actual name, I made up a pseudonym for anonymity. It was a very feminine name, not a unisex one.

Cappachuchu
There's plenty of really good support out there.
Trust yourself & find what you need. This is about your safety & wellbeing & you matter.

I'm so sorry you're in a situation of having to reach for this support, OP, and so sorry too that when you'd gathered the courage to access it which is never easy, you got caught up in other people's politics in the way of the help they're supposed to provide.

There are those determined to deny that there are any situations in which female people should be allowed to want or have the help of only other females. It's a male supremacist mission to insert males anywhere they want to be for their own emotional needs, regardless of the impact on females, and it's revolting. People like 'Sarah' shouldn't be in these roles and on the phones, and that they are makes clear they're pushing their own needs and agenda above any in depth knowledge or interest in the vulnerable females they are employed to help in the first place.

That females now need to be fearful of accusations of bigotry when they try to get help is even more revolting. And again, led by males for the interests of males.

Thank you, Rowantrees, for the powerful letter from Jessica.