Am I prejudiced?

[Cappachuchu99]

I've created a new account for this post. I feel deeply uncomfortable about it.

DH and I are having difficulties right now. Various agencies have become involved. I was advised to contact our local women's refuge for support. I had an email response from 'Sarah' who asked me to ring. I did so, a male voice answered and I asked to speak to Sarah. They replied they were Sarah. I was shocked and felt very uneasy. It felt disingenuous to be answering as Sarah when they were male (I did some research afterwards and confirmed they are trans). I instantly clammed up, dismissed everything that has been happening and waived the support. Now I feel awful, like I've somehow uncovered a deep prejudice I didn't know I had. But I felt very uncomfortable and didn't want to open up to a man. I'm very surprised that a helpline for women is not being manned by a woman. What on earth is going on and where do I go now?

Raging for you, OP. Due to past events I carefully construct my life to avoid certain situations with males. Is it fuck prejudice. Prejudice is what is shown by men who abuse women and trample on their boundaries. Their prejudice is that women are lesser humans. Fit to be props, supports, vessels, holes, objects on which to play out their fantasies of sex and violence and control.

I really hope you are able to find the help you need

Scrimpshaw
I know how powerful Jessica Taylor's words & wishes in that letter can be for women & girls at very difficult times.

I am so sorry this happened. It is wrong you have been made to feel bad about a natural response. This is unacceptable for a service meant for traumatised women. I would personally put it in writing so they understand how you felt.

I would personally put it in writing so they understand how you felt.

It's another of the double nelsons isn't it? How many females in really difficult, distressing circumstances feel able to write letters on top of deal with their situation? Is that really something any DV provision thinks their service users should have to do? (Although baffling any DV provision doesn't prioritise their service users accessing their service).

And if they do write they're running the risk of being scolded or worse. And if they don't then it's held up as an indicator that female people are fine with male people in these roles because look, no complaints.

It's another of the double nelsons isn't it?

The air safety analogy can be helpful:
'In the event of an emergency, first put your own oxygen mask on before trying to help others'

Letters of complaint/concern can both be thought about & (if wished) sent at a later date.

I'm so conflict averse at the moment there's no way I'd sent a letter. Although I don't know how else the message could get heard, unless some helpful person who's not a service user mentions it to them. Don't see how that could come about though as how would an outsider even know?

Would you consider using an advocate to send a letter OP?
Maybe Karen Ingala Smith or one of her associates/the nia organisation, given her close ties with domestic abuse?

OP, your reaction is totally understandable even to most men.

Many times in my life, I have to had to seek emotional and mental health support. At such times, the absolutely priority is that the service user is made to feel safe and protected. When you are not made to feel safe - as happened to me twice, both with male therapists - the feelings of vulnerability and exposure can actually be amplified rather than relieved.

Another point is that it can be simply confusing for anyone at anytime to have to deal with a new person presenting themselves as a different sex to that indicated by their voice or appearance. Even in a day-to-day interaction in a cafe or a shop, this can throw you. There is no way that vulnerable service-users should be expected to negotiate this extra barrier.

Its clear that Sarah is putting their own personal validation desires above the needs of a traumatised woman; and that alone speaks a thousand volumes as to why they should be nowhere near that helpline.

This, 100%.

“Male allies” can “dedicate themselves to helping vulnerable women” in many other ways — donating money, fundraising, providing professional services free of charge, etc. Muscling into the centre of a service, answering the phone to a woman traumatised by men FFS, that’s not helping. That’s using women for self-validation.

Male allies” can “dedicate themselves to helping vulnerable women” in many other ways — donating money, fundraising, providing professional services free of charge, etc. Muscling into the centre of a service, answering the phone to a woman traumatised by men FFS, that’s not helping. That’s using women for self-validation.

Entirely agree.

Surely an ally starts by saying ‘how can I best help?’ not ‘I want to do XYZ and if you don’t let me I’m gonna sue’?

I'm so conflict averse at the moment there's no way I'd sent a letter.

This is completely natural.

Take care of your primary needs first.
Its important that you are the priority.

In case my earlier post made it sound like you should complain, I really dont think this is the priority now.

You should focus on whatever helps you at this time. Whether coming here to share or using any of the contacts listed. (was pleased to see that the Women's Aid search for local services does have the option to search for women only services)

I do hope you are getting support.

When and if, even if it is a year later you can think about writing to the Management Committee or whoever.

Or even writing a post here. With a title saying something like "how hearing a male voice on a domestic support helpline stopped me from asking for help" you will find it will get widely shared.

I often see on facebook women sharing info that has been posted on mumsnet to alert others to an issue.

The only reason to be writing anything now is if you are someone who finds writing things down helps you deal with what is happening to you.

You poor thing. You are not prejudiced at all. The facts are a man answered the phone under the guise of being a woman. No one ever in this situation would be comfortable with that.

The people who validated this ‘Sarah’ are also to blame. How fucking dare they gaslight us and ‘Sarah’. ‘Sarah’ will never be happy because no one at all believes they are a woman. And if they say they do, they are abusive liars.

Various agencies have become involved. I was advised to contact our local women's refuge for support.... I'm very surprised that a helpline for women is not being manned by a woman. What on earth is going on and where do I go now?

The important thing is that you can access the right support OP.

Cappachugeuchu99, I hope you have safely reached a proper women's service and are getting the help you need.

I am still shaking with rage that a self-entitled man put himself in your way when you phoned the so-called women's refuge. No one can tell me he had any purpose but his own gratification.

Please, please don't feel you are at fault in any way. Just take care of yourself and keep away from people who gaslight you. Sending you love and good wishes.