How not to 'fill the gaps' for men

[daringdoris]

Inspired by the discussion on the Billy Bragg thread about left-wing men thinking that women are just there to make the tea and make sure there's enough paint for the placards, and Blibbyblobby on the 'Diana' thread, who said you've never been a professional woman stepping up to do boring admin to help the team because someone has to do it then realising the men don't even register you've been filling the gaps for them

I've realised I do this. The men around me are nice people, but now I think about it, nearly all the boring admin in a venture we're involved with is left to me. It is voluntary work, but in a context where we have to be extremely professional and well organised.

I really want to not only stop doing it, but get them to realise that the gaps are being filled by (almost) the only girl in the venture. Is it possible? Has anybody done it?

I'm happy to be pointed towards an existing thread if this discussion's been done to death already.

This is a brilliant thread.

I agree with definitely jogging on any collections, nights out, team days, etc. as a starter. If the men want them to happen they will organise it.
Absolutely never make teas unless it's a woman only group (seems such a small thing but it makes a huge impact!)
Never accept being called a work mum or a work wife, even if it's meant affectionately.

I act as if I'm facilitated at home (I'm not), my female colleague relies on her husband for childcare and never ever lets anyone see the swan legs thrashing about under the surface of the water.

I share information and opportunities with women before men almost all the time and I do it shamelessly, because there is no male senior manager in my organisation who can legitimately say he hasn't done the same with his boys. I've never been called out on it.
My entire career is on the ropes with this financial crash but thus far I've done ok by sticking to the above.

I just wanted to share a small personal victory thanks to this thread. Every year I organise a present for my mum for Mother's Day and sign the card from me and my brother (yes, I am a mug). The reason being that my mum is a sensitive soul and if she got nothing from my brother she'd take it quite badly.

Thanks to this thread I decided to get my mum a present just from me and let my brother take the hit. Unfortunately thanks to coronavirus the present is wrapped up on my desk and my mum is 100 miles away.

This morning my brother messaged me saying "what are we going to do for mother's day?". I am now in an extended version of "mother's day chicken" with him and it's become abundantly clear that the issue is not his incompetence, it's that he thinks he can just delegate these jobs to me. I can't believe I've never realised this before. He is trying every trick in the book to get me to sort this out and I am digging in my heels and refusing to cave. Fortunately for me I can post my present on Monday and be back in the good books

Thanks to everyone, especially @TorkTorkBam for the advice - the scales have most definitely fallen from my eyes.

I work in a very male dominated industry and at one point was one of only two women in our office. As the office junior tea making for visitors was my remit anyway but for a while it was also expected that we would do all the cleaning and tidying up after the others. Our boss realised it was beginning to cause an issue and sent out an email which included the sentence "The women in this company are your colleagues, not your mothers." No more filling gaps!

categoricallycrackers

One of THOSE. Yes to publicising it. Ideally knock any informal “chats” on the head and make him request by email or book your time in a meeting.

If he makes a face point out you track where your time is spent and in the informal requests are not efficient.

definitelygc

Well done! It becomes very clear when you push back that some people expect to be facilitated. Do not crack. He’s relying on you feeling more guilty than him about your mind feelings.

Brace for the horror that is another woman also expecting you to facilitate a poor useless man.

I bet your brother only messaged when you’re expected this is what we have got mum message didn’t arrive.

Your ffs

It becomes very clear when you push back that some people expect to be facilitated. Do not crack.

Exactly this. Every message he's sending me is a problem he's expecting me to solve e.g. "I can't find anyone who does next day delivery". Instead of trying to help I'm just replying with things like "ah bugger that's a shame". He can figure it out for himself.

Much applause
Yes to vague responses.
Even the fact that he won’t ask for your help is annoying. It’s expecting it without requesting it.

Throwing the problem in your lap and waiting for you to volunteer to take up their burden is on my last nerve.
Want something? Ask for it! Then you will get a yes or no answer.
No response is a no.