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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

When someone shows you who they are

71 replies

Oncewasblueandyellowtwo · 31/12/2019 23:00

Belive them. That's the saying right?
I was going to name change for this but I'm not going to be ashamed.
My partner or nearly 5 years has watched porn all though us being together. In particular anal porn. We tried it twice I hated it and told him so.
We have 2 small children so sex isn't always happening, tonight for the first time in 3 months i persuaded myself to try and then he tried anal,twice during. I walked away and told him I needed a break.I went back and asked him why he did that twice and he said the first time was an accident and he only tried once.
Jesus just earlier I was commenting on a thread about a woman not knowing if she was being abused.I've commented on fionas thread about we can't consent,(not related to this relationship)
But this is my partner, my family.
Why do I do. Brush it off as something that happens in the moment? Is there a line between wanting to try something in the heat of the moment between partners and abuse?

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 31/12/2019 23:04

Slipping off target can be an accident. Somehow "slipping off" to unerring land up right on target for the wrong orifice, one which his partner had specifically and consistently maintained they didn't consent to? That's abusive. I'm sorry.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/12/2019 23:51

he said the first time was an accident and he only tried once.

Lying as well. It was deliberate.

So sorry Thanks

RealityNotEssentialism · 01/01/2020 00:09

Yeah there’s a line and he has crossed it. Agree it’s abusive. A normal person would accept that their partner doesn’t want to do that and wouldn’t even try. Personally I’d get rid but I can understand if you don’t want to. I just find it so gross that men think they’re entitled to something that their partner hates just because they watch some videos of women being abused. Fuck that.

Goosefoot · 01/01/2020 00:17

I doubt that was really an accident.

I guess what I'd ask myself is what he's like otherwise. Is the problem mostly confined to this area or does it reflect his attitude and behaviour more generally?

If it's generally reflective I think that's just an abusive or exploitative person. Maybe not all the time in all areas, because most people are mixed, but I'd see it as a serious problem. I'm not sure how often people change themselves that completely - very rarely I think.
If it seems more contained to this particular sexual stuff, and especially if it's newer in the relationship, I'd wonder if it wasn't a problem that's developed in relation to a kind of porn obsession/addiction. It might be possible to deal with that but it could take some pretty honest discussion and probably therapy. Including cutting out the porn. The initial difficulty like with all addictive behaviours is to get the person to see that it is affecting them at all.

Thunderclearstheair · 01/01/2020 00:21

He didn’t care if you didn’t want it. He just wanted that feeling of it.

Big decisions for you right now. What would you say to one of your kids who’s partner did this?

bd67th · 01/01/2020 00:26

Your partner has tried to rape you. Yes, that is the word for it. The Sexual Offences Act 2003 is quite clear. Had your partner succeeded in his attempt, he would have:
a) penetrated your anus with his penis
b) when you didn't consent
c) and he did not reasonably believe that you consented (because you told him no in the past)

He then gaslit you.

In a similar situation, I went into denial and tried to minimise it. I'm recommending that you don't repeat my mistake and instead LTB.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 01/01/2020 00:33

He knows you don't want anal but he tried his luck twice. A decent, respectful man wouldn't do that. Think about it. Would you or I pressurise a partner into an act they disliked? The answer tells you: he's being abusive. I'd tell him if he tried it again he could fuck right off.

The easy free availability of what would previously been considered extreme porn is having very damaging effects on what men expect from their partners.

I remembered an article in the British Medical Journal I saw here some time ago about the major health implications of heterosex anal sex. I searched "bmj anal sex women" and got several results. Here's one,: bmjopen.bmj.com/content/4/8/e004996.short?g=w_open_current_tab

Doctors report their great concern at the serious anal and rectal injuries that have been becoming more common as young women consent to rough anal penetration. Their partners have learnt from porn that brutal anal sex is something they expect during sex.

Check out the medical articles if you want some information to scare your loutish partner. Tell him anal sex can cause permanent injuries, and that he's a moron for using porn as a pattern for love making with his real life partner.

Gay men get pleasure from anal sex because it stimulates the prostate gland internally. But as women don't have a prostate there's not the same erotic payoff. Some women enjoy it but nowhere as many as some men would like.

I was young in the 70s and 80s. I was very sexually adventurous and had many partners. Anal sex just didn't feature, at all, back then. Instead men prided themselves on how expertly they performed cunnilingus.

All we need now is a time machine. Oh, and happy New Year!

(Sorry this is so long and rambling. Typing while watching the fireworks).

SidJS · 01/01/2020 00:34

If you say no - that’s your boundary - that’s your right - it’s your body -he’s crossed the line. Not acceptable

Beamur · 01/01/2020 00:35

He's lying.
This would really piss me off.
You deserve better.

Creepster · 01/01/2020 00:35

Use the words 'sexual abuse' and then prepare for an eruption of rage and denial.
Naming the behavior is essential to being able to discuss it.

bd67th · 01/01/2020 00:38

young women consent to rough anal penetration.

young women put up with rough anal penetration for fear of being dumped.

FTFY. This "consent" is manufactured.

bd67th · 01/01/2020 00:40

Instead men prided themselves on how expertly they performed cunnilingus.

Envy
Oncewasblueandyellowtwo · 01/01/2020 00:53

,I'd wonder if it wasn't a problem that's developed in relation to a kind of porn obsession/addiction.

I do think he is obsessed with this type or porn.
In every day life he does shopping, cooking, we each do bedtime for the 2 kids,we talk and enjoy each others company.It is really when it comes to sex he acts like this. But it's getting enough for me to stop the relationship. I read here day after day about women in these situations, about how women are threated, and I don't think it's acceptable just because it only happens in the moment of sex.
I'm so angry, I'm angry that he and men in general and the porn industry think consent is something that can persuaded and eroded untill we say OK. I did say to him when he was going to bed that I think for the new year he should give up watching porn just at least for a few weeks and he asked me what I will give up.

OP posts:
Creepster · 01/01/2020 01:06

Tell him you will give up having anal sex.

bd67th · 01/01/2020 01:07

If you want to give him a last chance...

Show him the Sexual Offences Act 2003 Section 1 Part 1 and tell him that you do not consent to anal sex ever and that if he tries it on again, that makes him a rapist. Write your refusal down and sign and date it if you like, to show you really mean it.

if he gives you earache about it, leave. If he ever tries it again, leave.

Thunderclearstheair · 01/01/2020 01:12

The fact is he hurt you. It’s nothing to do with porn.

My dh can be an asshole sometimes in other aspects but he always never pushes me to do something sexually ever. I told him once we’d never do anal. In ten years he has never tried.

To do something physically to my body that I didn’t want - there would be no going back from that from me.

Milanimilani · 01/01/2020 01:29

Be careful. Look after yourself. Watch how he reacts to your no, or your tears if he ignores you. Be aware that if this continues you could be left with very serious injuries.

VanGoghsDog · 01/01/2020 01:34

My ex did this. A few times. He knew I never wanted to but he had quite a few "accidents" and often just started "in case I'd changed my mind".
It got to the stage I was afraid and unwilling to have sex at all because it made me so tense.
So then he started forcing me to have sex when I didn't want to.

Rape. That's the name for it.
I left him.

Oncewasblueandyellowtwo · 01/01/2020 01:49

All we need now is a time machine. Oh, and happy New Year!

Prawn thanks for that light relief from this. Smile Happy new year too you all.

bd67th I know you are right and the links you gave, I know it,it's just so hard becoming a feminist after having children and realising that most of the men and even the one who is your partner, do not respect women.How can I stay in a relationship like this, a relationship that is good in all other aspects apart from sex and be a feminist, when this part of the relationship overshadows the rest.

OP posts:
BusyProcrastinator · 01/01/2020 04:10

Offer to buy a strap on and see what he says. He’s got the g spot up there, not you.

I’m not sure if I’m joking. I do find it hypocritical how many men think a woman’s ass is fine but not their own.

Fieldofgreycorn · 01/01/2020 07:22

If you want to give him a last chance...

Show him the Sexual Offences Act 2003 Section 1 Part 1 and tell him that you do not consent to anal sex ever..

I agree with this advice. He might not currently realise the seriousness of what he’s done and he’s not, yet, able to see it from your point of view.

Overall though I’d say it depends on whether the trust is there or if it’s gone. Do you trust him? Once the trust has gone it's impossible to stay with someone (in my experience).

OhHolyJesus · 01/01/2020 08:22

This is from a Men Against Porn Facebook post:

“With Teen Vogue leading the charge to normalize this male-centered, demeaning activity to young girls, somebody needs to provide a counterpoint. You don’t have to do this to yourselves. You don’t even have to try it.

I’m about to tell the truth, not lead girls and women up the garden path by glossing over reality. Proceed with caution. It’s nasty.
For Christmas 2019, Teen Vogue (run by neither teens nor people in vogue) promoted their famous penis-forward advice piece, A Guide to Anal Sex. It paints a rather rosy picture of anal intercourse, leaving me to wonder who’s going to tell the truth? Are girls just supposed to believe this stuff, charge forward and learn their lesson on their own?

So here are some things you need to know, for truth:

Of course it’s going to hurt. That’s why Amazon sells numbing sprays. That’s why they tell you to go slowly (like you have any control over that). That’s a part of why some men like it — they like it when women agree to be hurt.

Yes, there’s feces. How is this even a grey area? Some men really like the idea of feces on their peens, others may want their partner to have an enema first. Regardless, that’s your colon’s actual function so the feces is supposed to be there, while the penis is not.

This is one-sided pleasure. Of course men like it. What do women get out of it except pride that they endured a painful, likely gross event that left them with dubious bowel control for a few days (or forever)? A nice pat on the head? We don’t even have a prostate to stimulate.

Cross contamination is a real thing. Feces contain e Coli bacteria which can get everywhere, especially if the penis goes from anus to vagina or mouth. Condoms can help.

Anal fissures are very painful. This is a tear in the flesh, but it comes with muscle spasms that are like being stabbed in the butt, randomly and quite vividly, and can last for weeks or require surgery.

Anal cancer can kill you. The same virus that causes genital warts and cervical cancer also causes anal cancer.

Incontinence will occur. The sphincter is pretty good at holding in gas and fecal matter most of the time. The body is pretty good at knowing when the colon has a bowel movement in it. Shock to those tissues, which can be temporary or permanent, results in incontinence.

Condoms are a must. I don’t care what porn tells you, this is not a spur-of-the-moment lark to be had in an out-of-the-way corner of an art museum. This requires planning. Lube. Analgesics (never noticed the pun before). Wet wipes. Access to a bathroom immediately. Extra sheets.

Ejaculate will make for stomach cramps. It’s like an enema, but worse. Make sure the bathroom is close. Don’t think you’re going to be sneaking past sleeping roommates or anything. Leaving a trail of ejaculate-lube-blood-feces across your carpet may violate your rental agreement.

It’s not like porn at all. It’s not a nice, pleasant experience. It’s not clean and tidy, with smiles all around and some kind of female liberation that comes from being the down-and-dirtiest of them all. It’s not “oooh yeah that feels good.” I mean for him, yeah, of course it does. For women, not really!
It’s not homophobic to say no. This is just a really funny thing. Of course it isn’t. Men have prostates, so they have some kind of magical pleasure centers that are stimulated through this act. If the payoff is worth it to them — mazel tov.

I’m not going to say all men who ask for anal sex are sadists, fecophiliacs, misogynists, or pornsick. But given the one-sided nature of the request it’s only fair to ask Why are you even asking me for this?"

Lowhum · 01/01/2020 09:00

OhHoly, that was so horrific to read.

I’m willing to bet that they would never discuss this in sex ed classes.

HorsWithNoDoeuvres · 01/01/2020 09:47

... has watched porn all though us being together...

That's bad enough.

LTB

HorsWithNoDoeuvres · 01/01/2020 09:47

I’m not going to say all men who ask for anal sex are sadists, fecophiliacs, misogynists, or pornsick.

I am.