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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

When someone shows you who they are

71 replies

Oncewasblueandyellowtwo · 31/12/2019 23:00

Belive them. That's the saying right?
I was going to name change for this but I'm not going to be ashamed.
My partner or nearly 5 years has watched porn all though us being together. In particular anal porn. We tried it twice I hated it and told him so.
We have 2 small children so sex isn't always happening, tonight for the first time in 3 months i persuaded myself to try and then he tried anal,twice during. I walked away and told him I needed a break.I went back and asked him why he did that twice and he said the first time was an accident and he only tried once.
Jesus just earlier I was commenting on a thread about a woman not knowing if she was being abused.I've commented on fionas thread about we can't consent,(not related to this relationship)
But this is my partner, my family.
Why do I do. Brush it off as something that happens in the moment? Is there a line between wanting to try something in the heat of the moment between partners and abuse?

OP posts:
bd67th · 03/01/2020 22:19

Rape is the crime. Porn is the rehearsal.

"Porn is the theory and rape is the practice." Robin Morgan

FlyingOink · 04/01/2020 01:11

I also think your idea of a porn hiatus would be a very good thing, to see how it changes his feelings.

I think unfortunately this is extremely unlikely to happen. Men are now physically conditioned to expect to be able to masturbate to filmed porn at the drop of a hat. He will find a way to continue doing this. Even the nofap guys, who are stopping porn use because they want to, have relapses, porn is so pervasive. And if he's watched during the entire relationship he is unlikely to admit porn is a problem.

It's a grim situation, family upheaval or being on edge living with a man who tried to rape you (and who won't see it like that either).

2BthatUnnoticed · 04/01/2020 22:12

I like bd’s advice upthread. Put it in writing so he knows you are serious. That will also give you a clear trigger for LTB so you have certainty.

I know LTB is not as simple as it sounds when you have children to consider, but remember co-parenting is a thing.

Perhaps he could check out Reddit/nofap (I think), which is men who have given up watching filmed sex / rape, supporting each other.

And you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of OP Flowers

lcarmichael · 04/01/2020 22:52

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lcarmichael · 04/01/2020 23:07

FlyingOink Habitual porn use and addiction is not limited to men. The idea that porn is responsible for or somehow leads to rape is absolutely absurd! Most literature I have come across leads to the complete opposite. Fulfilling desires through fantasy, either of a sexual or violent/horror nature greatly reduces the likelihood of the acts being performed in real life - just look at Japanese Culture and crime rates.
My point is that if abuse is actually genuine then the blame lies with the actions of the perpetrator, for whatever reason that might be i.e. perverted/antisocial or given mixed signals.

bd67th what happens to us women who enjoy porn then?

Creepster · 04/01/2020 23:56

what happens to us women who enjoy porn then?
Over time you submit to more and more abuse until they kill you and say you enjoyed it.

bd67th · 05/01/2020 00:07

By agreeing to try it twice, and then considering it a third time you have sent completely the wrong message.

Wow, talk about victim-blaming. How would the OP even know that she didn't like it unless she tried it at least once? Are you seriously suggesting that the OP has no right to refuse something now that she's agreed to in the past?

Japanese Culture and crime rates.

You mean the same Japan where the trains have women-only carriages to stop men from sexually assaulting female travellers because groping in public is so commonplace? Low reported crime rates don't necessarily mean low actual crime rates.

what happens to us women who enjoy porn then?

My experience of watching porn with one of my exes, although I wouldn't describe myself as ever enjoying it, is that I became acclimatised to my own debasement at the hands of men. Getting out of that relationship was the best decision I ever made. I struggle to imagine a woman enjoying porn.

lcarmichael · 05/01/2020 00:37

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lcarmichael · 05/01/2020 00:44

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bd67th · 05/01/2020 01:29

bit hysterical and sensationalist to me".

Hysterical is a very old misogynist word used to silence and discredit women. "Hysteria" was thought to be caused by the womb roaming around the body looking for children to bear.

Tone policing is another well-known way to silence women.

I tried heroin even though I knew it was bad

Trying a Class A drug is not comparable to trying a sex act to please one's partner. The issue isn't that the OP has become "hooked" on anal, but that her DP is throughhos consumption of anal porn. You are blaming her willingness to try something for his actions.

bd67th · 05/01/2020 01:34

Incidentally some women like porn and masturbation

Why are you conflating the two? I like my Hitachi wand a lot I'll have you know. Still hate porn, with good cause.

bd67th · 05/01/2020 01:45

I smell MRA or one of their handmaidens. "Us women" Grin, describing the OP's description of attempted rape as "the kind of complaint that undermines and overshadows women who are genuinely being sexually abused", victim-blaming, "cool girl" porn use, and tone-policing.

bd67th · 05/01/2020 01:50

(for mobile users, the "us women" link because it really needs the alt-text to work: m.xkcd.com/1530/)

If you are having to spell out that you are "one of us", you probably aren't.

lcarmichael · 05/01/2020 01:54

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GirlDownUnder · 05/01/2020 02:21

Here I open the doors of perception to you.

When someone shows you who they are
FruitcakeOfHate · 05/01/2020 02:24

Some people can never resist me-railing other people's threads to make them all about themselves.

As for the comment that being anally penetrated without your consent isn't the same as sexual abuse, the mind boggles.

FruitcakeOfHate · 05/01/2020 02:25

Overlooks misuse of 'myself' . . . sigh.

TheTigersBride · 05/01/2020 03:53

Most literature I have come across leads to the complete opposite. Fulfilling desires through fantasy, either of a sexual or violent/horror nature greatly reduces the likelihood of the acts being performed in real life

I am sure that is not correct. References to porn being acted out/ sex offenders having stacks of porn are frequently made in the court reports of rape and sexually aggravated crimes.

Creepster · 05/01/2020 03:59

That particular man made myth has been used for many years to refute the facts whenever they are presented for discussion.

FlyingOink · 05/01/2020 11:57

Habitual porn use and addiction is not limited to men indeed, sexual violence is not limited to men either, they only carry out 99% percent of it.

The idea that porn is responsible for or somehow leads to rape is absolutely absurd indeed, this is why advertising has been largely abandoned, as companies found it was so ineffective. Do you remember advertising? Used to be everywhere, and a massive industry in itself. Of course since then we have found that people are immune to having their thoughts, feelings and desires manipulated by another so there was no point carrying on with advertising.

Fulfilling desires through fantasy, either of a sexual or violent/horror nature greatly reduces the likelihood of the acts being performed in real life indeed, although I would suggest wiping your hard drives when the police come in anyway, they are unlikely to accept this as justification

My point is that if abuse is actually genuine right...are you deciding if it is?

then the blame lies with the actions of the perpetrator, for whatever reason that might be I'm not interested in reasons, why a man decides to rape is of zero interest to me, I just want him prosecuted.

i.e. perverted/antisocial or given mixed signals mixed signals eh? Is that a recognised reason for the actions of the perpetrator then?

Japanese Culture where their Parliament failed to ban child pornography in animated form because it was seen as so important culturally? Nah, I'll give it a miss thanks.

Wondersense · 05/01/2020 18:36

Ask him this -

If you had a friend/daughter who was with someone who kept doing things sexually to her that she didn't like, even though she had communicated the fact that she didn't like it, how would you advise her on that?

It doesn't matter what he says because he will probably give a rubbish or untruthful answer. The point is to get him to think. If you haven't made it clear already, tell him that you will never one day wake up and suddenly discover you enjoy it, anymore than any truly straight man would suddenly wake up on day and fancy giving another man a blow job.

The fact that he's been watching anal porn for years suggests his interest in it is not going away any time soon, so I'm afraid you need to consider separating if he crosses your boundaries again.

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