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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Where is it written that you DON'T become Mrs X?

104 replies

MsChnandlerBong · 22/12/2019 22:37

We got married in March. I didn't change my name. We have received MANY Christmas cards addressed to Mr & Mrs Whatever. I didn't change my name.

When I tell people "Oh, I haven't changed my name", they tell me that actually I did. I got married and LEGALLY my name has now changed. Now I know this isn't true but I would love to point people at a piece of legislation or something! It's beginning to irritate me. I am NOT Mrs hisname. I'm, as I've been for forty years, Ms My name. Help me!

OP posts:
ScrimshawTheSecond · 22/12/2019 22:44

deedpolloffice.com/advice/woman-getting-married

PerspicaciaTick · 22/12/2019 22:45

Your name does not change when you marry. You entered a verbal contract in your birth name, you signed the register in your birth name. There is nothing in the marriage contract that mentions changing your name.
This document explains that it is perfectly acceptable for you to keep your name - it's a "to whom it may concern"letter issued by the British Embassy in Beirut explaining exactly how names work after marriage.
assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/656599/CHANGE_OF_NAME_IN_THE_UK.pdf

ScrimshawTheSecond · 22/12/2019 22:45

Bit tricky to prove a negative. Your name only changes if you physically change it.

PaleBlueMoonlight · 22/12/2019 22:51

Isn’t it more that you can legally change your name without a deed poll?

SoldiersinPetticoats · 22/12/2019 22:54

Ive been married 13 years. Still get Xmas cards from some elderly relatives to Mr and Mrs His Name. They also send me birthday cards to Mrs His Name not Ms Petticoats.
Have pointed it out several times including last Xmas and they act like I’m speaking Swahili. It’s so rude.

EveryKingdomOfRain · 22/12/2019 23:59

but I would love to point people at a piece of legislation

There is no legislation you can point to because it is nothing more than a social convention.

There is not any legislation or common law rule in any of the UK jurisdictions which says that on marriage a woman's name is legally changed.

Repeat ad infinitum- it is a social convention. Nothing more. UK law (all jurisdictions) is non- prescriptive about names.

For example the assumption that a child will take the surname of either of its parents is also only a social convention. There is nothing which prevents Jane Smith and John Jones registering their daughter as Susan Taylor and their son as James Cooper.

Every single person in the UK (all jurisdictions) is entitled to change their name if they wish.

LittleReindeer · 23/12/2019 00:05

I get cards addressed to Mr and Mrs Hisname. Or even worse, Mr and Mrs Hisfirst Hislast. I can live with people assuming I took his surname but do they really think my first name has been absorbed into his identity too! That’s before we even get onto the topic of them calling me Mrs when I’m actually Dr and worked bloody hard for it. MIL knows perfectly well but insists that Mr and Dr sounds like two men so she won’t write it.

hipsterfun · 23/12/2019 00:36

I’m not even married and have had several Mr & Mrs DPsurname card’s this year.

hipsterfun · 23/12/2019 00:37

Fecking apostrophe.

1300cakes · 23/12/2019 00:49

Ask them to show you proof that it does change.

tobee · 23/12/2019 01:16

I had this from my dm several times until I had to be really firm about it coz it pissed me off.

But I think it did used to be the case; my dm got married in the 60s, in a registry office, and remembers the registrar officially handing over her new passport in her new married name.

I'm sure I remember when I looked it up and you actually have to legally change your name now?

sashh · 23/12/2019 01:34

Maybe issue your own version of 'letters patent' like the queen.

"I am legally entitled to use Ms Myname or Mrs Hisname, I am however, styled Ms Myname."

You could point out that Her Maj is Duchess of Edinburgh, Commander in Chief of the Canadian armed forces and Duke of Normandy among other titles but chooses to be known as HM Elizabeth.

Milanimilani · 23/12/2019 01:50

When I got married, I asked if I needed to let anyone know my change of surname. I was assured it would just happen, no probs. 2 years later, hmrc asking for tax that I owe, as I have the same job twice under maiden name and married name.

This was not the case, but I was ticked off by hmrc for not letting them know about change if name.

RagingBall · 23/12/2019 02:11

We put a note in wedding invitations saying neither of us would be changing our names.
10 years later we still get cards addressed to Mr & Mrs hisfirstname hislastname

I've come to the conclusion:

  • they've forgotten
  • they think I SHOULD have changed my name
  • they know the (archaic) "correct" way of addressing an envelope & can't think of another suitable way of doing it
Hmm
EveryKingdomOfRain · 23/12/2019 03:28

But I think it did used to be the case; my dm got married in the 60s, in a registry office, and remembers the registrar officially handing over her new passport in her new married name

That is not correct. Registry offices do not issue passports.

Changing one's name on marriage is nothing more than a social convention -repeat until blue in the office.

whatswithtodaytoday · 23/12/2019 03:34

We're not married (but together many years) and I've had cards addressed to Mr and Mrs Hisname. One being from his sister, who you would think we'd have invited to the wedding, if there'd been one? 🙄

EveryKingdomOfRain · 23/12/2019 03:53

I'm sure I remember when I looked it up and you actually have to legally change your name now?

Every person in the UK has the right at any time, for no reason other than they feel like it , to legally change their name. It can be done by deed poll or in Scotland by making a statutory declaration but even that isn't essential.

Getting married does not and never did result in an automatic and compulsory "legal" change of name. It is simply an event in life where by social convention women have done so. My mother was married twice in the 1960s and never changed her name.

BoomBoomsCousin · 23/12/2019 05:40

So many people believe the marriage changes your legal name thing. It gets passed on by all sorts of people. It's infuriating.

I was a police officer when I got married and my Superintendent tried to tell me that I had to become PC husband'sName as I had married and that was now my legal name. I told him that was simply untrue and I would be retaining the name I had always had. Superintendent was not happy. I had to tell him that he could not order me to use a name that wasn't one I went by as it was an unlawful order and if he cared to check with a lawyer he would find he was mistaken about marriage legally changing a woman's name. He went off livid and telling me to expect disciplinary action but the next time I saw him in the corridor he just sheepishly nodded his head at me so I presume someone (some man, let's face it) set him straight.

Not sure there's really any such thing as a "legal name" in England. You can take whatever name you want whenever you want and use it so long as you have no intention to defraud etc. And you don't need a legal document to do so, though some places, like the passport office or banks will probably ask you for a statutory declaration or the like in order to allow you to use that name with them.

crankysaurus · 23/12/2019 05:43

Don't you need to be asking them to prove it does exist in law rather than yourself trying to prove a negative?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 23/12/2019 05:50

It’s true that you don’t need to change your name. I did because I wanted to and was able to use my marriage certificate as proof of name change. Never understood how that worked as it needed to be signed in my maiden name...

JolieOBrien · 23/12/2019 05:56

My daughter's surname is still the same as mine on my iphone and on her email address. I don't think she is bothered even though she got married a couple of years ago. She does use it for legal stuff but that is about all. I once sent a recently married friend a Christmas card with her maiden name on the address so Mr & Mrs Smith which was her surname not his and it made her laugh (it was a mistake btw)

NatashaAlianovaRomanova · 23/12/2019 06:46

My ex-h gran always referred to me as Mrs hisname after the wedding until I eventually pointed out that I was legally entitled not legally obligated to take his surname - went back to just being Natasha after that Grin

wibdib · 23/12/2019 06:47

@EveryKingdomOfRain @tobee I think it used to be the case that if you were getting married you could fill a special form out in advance (and I assume get the vicar or registrar to sign it) and pre-order your passport so that it would be ready in your new name to go away on honeymoon - because I assume people were more worried about going away and not being a married couple...

Guess it was in the days of not needing your passport very often and certainly not having a hen night abroad! No idea what happened if the wedding didn’t actually happen in the end either... It wouldn’t be very practical for most people these days; I have no idea if it’s a service that is still offered!

RuthW · 23/12/2019 06:52

Now I get it the other way.

I changed my name when I married but kept my married name when we divorced. His name is much nicer!

I get cards addressed to Ms Maiden name when I'm Mrs Married name.

Drives me mad.

Original poster
MsChnandlerBong · 23/12/2019 07:01

Thank you for all the replies!

I think I need to be firmer then. I have told people countless times that I have not changed my name but they just ignore me. I actually think it's really bloody rude. We've decided you're wrong and this is actually your name you uppity woman. Hmm, fuck off!

OP posts: