Where is it written that you DON'T become Mrs X?

[MsChnandlerBong]

We got married in March. I didn't change my name. We have received MANY Christmas cards addressed to Mr & Mrs Whatever. I didn't change my name.

When I tell people "Oh, I haven't changed my name", they tell me that actually I did. I got married and LEGALLY my name has now changed. Now I know this isn't true but I would love to point people at a piece of legislation or something! It's beginning to irritate me. I am NOT Mrs hisname. I'm, as I've been for forty years, Ms My name. Help me!

Sorry @EveryKingdomOfRain and everyone I meant you had to legally change your name to your married one not the other way around, if you wanted to take your husband's surname.

I was with my husband for about 25 years before we got married 8 years ago, and with two children. And being 44 made it even more ridiculous, to me, to change my surname.

I also remember when my dm got correspondence that was addressed to her solely as, say, Mrs John Smith rather than Mrs Jane Smith. it infuriated her.

I'm amazed people are this ignorant. Keeping your own name on marriage is the default position unless you actively change it, using evidence in support. But part of me suspects 'people' are being wilfully obtuse because they would like to keep women in their box and become incredibly put out when we refuse to 'know our place' (why, hell knows)? My MiL has been doing this throughout my 15-year marriage. And pardon the misogynistic generalization, but it doesn't seem to be men making this repetitive, continuous white noise. It's coming from other women. The choice of 'title', not least name is one of those finer details that men tend not to give a stuff about.

Talking of title's mine is 'Dr' (DH's isn't). Dr or Ms are equally fine with me; I bridle at being called 'Mrs'. But it amuses us both highly that it's so often assumed the Dr title belongs to him rather than me!

It’s only meant with kindness I’m sure

Kindess would be using the surname they have asked you to use multiple times. Being obstinate and sticking to using their DHs surname is actually extremely rude, disrespectful, and unkind.

tobee

EveryKingdomof course the registrar didn't issue the passport! Aswibdibsays is I believe what happened

This is what you wrote

But I think it did used to be the case; my dm got married in the 60s, in a registry office, and remembers the registrar officially handing over her new passport in her new married name

That is complete nonsense.

He did officially hand over the passport, in the manner wibdib says! Which is not the same as "issued" which is what the passport office does

I always think that Mrs Jane Smith is divorced. Ms Jane Smith is better.

I use Ms professionally if I have to. Never Mrs my first name but then I am old and old fashioned. I cannot imagine my dc buying into any of this.

Times change and one has to move with them. Older friends I address the Christmas cards traditionally, younger ones I try to put John and Jane; same sex couples John and Pete and both or a shared surname. It's a minefield but I doubt people try to offend on purpise and I'd hope most people are just pleased tk be remembered and to receive a card or invitation. One can spend a lit of gime being offended and I'm not sure it's worth it.

It's all convention.

John Smith marries Mary Jones. Legally, she becomes Mary Jones, Mrs John Smith. 'Mary Smith' is an abbreviation.

If you change your name you have to change your passport. Which is not the same as having to change it on marriage. So if my dm, back in 1963, changed her name from her maiden name to her husband's name, she needed a new passport.

However, this would be the same at any time you changed your name. For whatever reason.

In laws just stopped addressing post to me at all when I specifically asked them to send all packages to me in Ms.Myname, as I was asked and had no id in Mrs dhname when collecting a parcel from post office.

All post including my birthday cards were posted to dhfirstname lastname after that
Supposedly what's the point of getting married and keeping your own name and the married name just becomes your legal name until you die even if you divorce.
Same in-laws were very confused when a friend reverted to maiden name after divorce (ex had remarried also so there was a new Mrshisname). That conversation was a joy to explain and way more difficult than it needed to be :friend is using her own name from now on as she is no longer married and no its not illegal.

I was really annoyed when the (obviously new, rather inept) registrar said 'Congratulations Mr and Mrs Hisname' to the assembled wedding crowd. I lamely tried to say 'Im not changing my name!' but it got lost in the fray. Should have formally complained. In-laws regularly sent Mrs HisFirstANDSecond name cards throughout my marriage despite bring told. Once they sent a parcel and it cheered me to tell them the PO wouldn't give it to me as I had no i.d. But it's been bloody handy to have kept it since getting divorced

Re changing your name by deed poll, there are two ways you can do it (from a cursory reading of uk government website) enrolled or unenrolled. The unenrolled type may not be accepted by some organisations as proof of name change e.g banks. There is a fee for doing this except on change of name due to marriage/civil partnership when it's free ti change documentation. It's different in Scotland.

Slightly different but I hate being called Miss (not married, but cohabiting and have been a Ms since I questioned why women had two titles to distinguish the married ones from the unmarried ones when I was quite young).

To get the message across to friends/relatives, I got little address labels with 'Ms Notahandmaid' and my address printed out that I put on the back of every personal correspondence I send out.

Most of my friends/relatives have got the hint but others steadfastly refuse and I think they ones that refuse are the old fashioned ones who think 1. feminism has gone too far, 2. there are only two correct titles, 3. they are just generally dim and haven't read the labels that I've put on the back of every Christmas card, every letter, and every birthday card for the last 15 years.

It might be worth getting some address labels printed out with your correct title & name on like I've done. Vistaprint (not on commission!) do loads of designs quite cheaply.

dementedpixie

Or you can just start using the name you want to be known by.

This link from Deed Poll website spells it out pretty clearly:

Yes because they are trying to get your money.

You can write your own deed poll for a fee of £0, all these places calling themselves 'deed poll office' etc are not technically conning you, you pay for a service that they provide, but you can do it yourself for free.

They also don't need to tell you that you don't need a deed poll to change your name.

My first experience of the name assumption was when I was in my first proper job, the company did a weekend away for employees + 1. I was asked for my boyfriend's name for the booking, I was fine with that, I wasn't fine with them booking me in as Mrs boyfriend's name.

This is quite confusing though isn't it?

If you want to change your surname to your partner’s surname, you don’t need a deed poll. Provided your marriage certificate records both your maiden name and your partner’s surname, the marriage certificate is sufficient evidence of your change of name.

So if you do want to change to dhs name you also don't need to do anything??

I changed last name to his on marriage (my family name is that of a famous and loathed politician!). I haven't done anything at a government level, just showed bank etc my marriage cert. Has my legal name actually changed or not?

But I think it did used to be the case; my dm got married in the 60s, in a registry office, and remembers the registrar officially handing over her new passport in her new married name

That is complete nonsense.

Not complete nonsense, just a misunderstanding. If you want to travel immediately after marriage then you apply for your passport in your new name and it is dated to start the day of the marriage.

The registrar / minister who will conduct the ceremony has to sign and I believe, in the 1960s, it was 'held' by the person conducting a marriage and was handed over afterwards.

Not complete nonsense, just a misunderstanding. If you want to travel immediately after marriage then you apply for your passport in your new name and it is dated to start the day of the marriage

It is nonsense. Registrars do not and never did hand out passports- which is what you wrote.

@YourOpinionIsNoted it's not confusing.

If you get married or have a civil partnership either partner can change their lastname to the other or double barrel it using the marriage/civil partnership as proof of the name change.

If you change your lastname for any other reason and want official recognition, you do it by deed poll.

You then change the name on your passport (and driving licence) using that proof. After that you can change names on other things.

(Oh and it's weird calling it a maiden name. The few straight men and the gay men who change their last names definitely aren't maidens.)

I think what irritates me the most is how patronising people are about it. It's as though they smile indulgently at me, whilst thinking that of course I'm Mrs X. I've had the why did you get married, you aren't a real family comments and they just make me laugh, but I get really pissed off with people telling me what my damn name is!

It is nonsense. Registrars do not and never did hand out passports- which is what you wrote.

I didn't.

BTW you are very good at being rude, is it a natural talent or one you have had to practice?

If you change your name you don't have to change your passport until the next renewal, you just book your travel in your own name.

is this really worth arguing with your friends about? It’s only meant with kindness I’m sure

See I disagree with this completely. It isn't kind to call someone the wrong name! People do it because they cannot cope with the fact that I didn't want to be Mrs Hisname. They don't like the fact that I'm being an uppity feminist so they write Mrs Hisname to say to me, look, you can pretend that your Ms Yourname but really we alllllll know your Mrs Hisname. It's the opposite of being kind! It's disrespectful and rude.