Where is it written that you DON'T become Mrs X?

[MsChnandlerBong]

We got married in March. I didn't change my name. We have received MANY Christmas cards addressed to Mr & Mrs Whatever. I didn't change my name.

When I tell people "Oh, I haven't changed my name", they tell me that actually I did. I got married and LEGALLY my name has now changed. Now I know this isn't true but I would love to point people at a piece of legislation or something! It's beginning to irritate me. I am NOT Mrs hisname. I'm, as I've been for forty years, Ms My name. Help me!

We were (very kindly) given a cheque for our wedding by a family friend, written out to "Mr and Mrs Hisname and Myname Hissurname"
I didn't change my name and we don't have a joint account. Thankfully his bank accepted it!

And most people forget that we both have PhDs... (this family friend can reasonably be forgiven for forgetting mine and not knowing he has one though)

I never changed my name, and we gave the dds my name. Girls were to have myname, boys his. We had all girls. Yes we went through the cards thing. One of the many pleasures of being divorced is not having to deal with that from people who I thought knew better. One old friend that I shared a house with at Uni, was at the wedding, knew I never changed my name - didn't really know my dh - sent cards for years to Mr & Mrs Hisname. Very passive aggressive from some people I wouldn't have expected.

That’s before we even get onto the topic of them calling me Mrs when I’m actually Dr and worked bloody hard for it.

Same! The title Mrs Hissurname will always be his mother, never me.

My son in law uses my daughter's maiden name when booking restaurants etc, as it's much easier to spell

TimeLady

Off topic but I once witnessed an exchange between my father and one of his cousins over which name to use to book a restaurant, my mother pointed out it didn't matter as it was the same name.

Can't get worked up about it.
DH name was/is much nicer than mine
Privately/domestically I am Mrs his name - doesn't bother me.
Professionally I am first name, last name
In the quasi area of hospitals/banks etc I am Mrs my first name.
The only thing that really irks me is Drs assuming they may use my first name whilst introducjng themselves with a title and the nurses who go alkng with the patriarchy by using their first name and my first name but referring to the Dr with a title. I am not subordinate to any other human. It's an equality issue

I think it used to be the case that if you were getting married you could fill a special form out in advance (and I assume get the vicar or registrar to sign it) and pre-order your passport so that it would be ready in your new name to go away on honeymoon - because I assume people were more worried about going away and not being a married couple

You can still order a passport in advance in a married name (if you choose to change it) but it would come from the passport office, not the registrar

I double barrelled my name and we get quite a lot of post to Mr and Mrs Myname-hisname, this obviously doesn't bother me but it does bother him! Of course MIL sends all my birthday cards to Mrs Hisname
I placate myself with the knowledge that she can write it but it doesn't change the fact I'm not, and also the fact that DD is Miss Myname-Hisname which probably annoys her!

It is weird that its relatively easy to change your name after getting married but is much more complicated if you want to go back to your maiden name.

1. change name after marriage

• Just need marriage certificate

2. change back to maiden name

• your birth certificate
• a statement signed by you saying you’ve gone back to a previous surname (for example your maiden name) ‘for all purposes’ - that is, you will not use your married or civil partnership name at all
• a document that shows you’re using your new name (for example a payslip, or a letter from your local council)
• your decree absolute or final order showing both namesa marriage or civil partnership certificate showing both names - if you do not have it you canorder a copy

There's no such thing as a legal name in English law. It's habit and repute eg the name you use and people know you by is your name.

Even deed polls are not actually necessary. You just need to use a name for it to be your name. Note the first sentence of this government advice: You do not have to follow a legal process to start using a new name.

Sorry , but everyone who has referred to your "maiden name" - stop it. What a horrible expression.

It is "your name" or "your original name"

This must be so irritating and you're well within your rights to tell people to get it right.

The name change thing is one of the reasons I'm considering not getting married. I've tried explaining to my friends that I'd like to keep my surname and they look at me like I'm talking gibberish. I know they'd call me Mrs Hisname regardless as they think changing your name is part of getting married and don't understand why I'm "making a fuss".

I'm also tired of the fact that my friends have to sit around waiting for their useless partners to propose and can't even bring it up because it's "tradition" and it would "ruin the surprise". Why have we handed all this power to the men? Most of them already have kids (who are incidentally all called little Hisname).

I have managed to beat it into most people's heads that I have my own name. I let the odd card from elderly relatives addressed to mr and mrs dh name go.

But what is infuriating me to an irrational degree is that so few people are comfortable with it. So they know they camt write to mr and mrs dhname. But they cant bring themselves to write to mr dh name and ms Loving. So instead we keep getting cards in the post addressed to dhfirstname and Bling. No surnames at all.

Mr irritation is too high for what is happening but it does drive me crazy.

I did chuckle when we got a card from a friend in New York as it's the only one that uses both of our names. I think Americans find it easier.

When you get married it just allows you to use your husband's name legally. It doesn't force you to. You can use either. You can even use a mix if you really want to. UK law doesn't mind.

This wildly confused German officials when I tried to change my name on documents here. They kept looking at the marriage certificate and saying but it's still in your maiden name. (And also complaining that it didn't have a stamp, so how could it possibly be official :o)

I had to wait until I'd changed my name on my passport before they would accept it. And then my bank got all funny about it until I went in with both passports and showed them I was the same person, even though they are still personal enough here for you to have a personal bank adviser who recognises you by sight

This link from Deed Poll website spells it out pretty clearly:

deedpolloffice.com/advice/woman-getting-married

Quote: "As a woman, your surname doesn’t automatically change to your partner’s when you get married. If you do nothing, then after marriage, your name will stay the same."

I kept my name on marriage and as stated above, didn't have to do anything.

My cousin recently got married and she didn’t change her surname to her wifes, they both kept their original name. If she receives cards etc from people who alter her name she hides the address, takes a photo and then posts it on FB asking if anyone knows said person named on the envelope as they don’t live at that address.

BertieBotts
When you get married it just allows you to use your husband's name legally. It doesn't force you to. You can use either. You can even use a mix if you really want to. UK law doesn't mind

No it does not "allow you to use your husband's name legally".

I can start calling myself Mrs Botts any time I want to. I don't need to marry Bertie Botts.

Any and every person in the UK can "legally" change their name at any time for no reason at all other than they feel like it.

Demented, I'm not sure that's entirely true - I think it's one of those things that has been made more complicated than it has to because "how dare she"!

I'm currently using double-barrelled x-y, but early on in my ex-marriage I did use just y. I then swapped while still married to x-y (no additional proof needed, just my marriage certificate showing the both names) but my passport is still y (bloody 10 year passport that's a waste of money to change names in). When I registered for marriage #2 recently, they were happy to use just my passport and decree absolute for proof of my identity, so I assume the same would be true if I wasn't using x-y now? I hope so, as I don't have a birth certificate!!

On that note, I'd always wondered why someone proving their identity with their birth certificate wouldn't just produce that, without all the other bumpf? And again, if my marriage certificate was the only proof needed to change from y to x-y, why is it not the only proof needed to change from x-y to x?

DP and I are now both double barrelled! And will change from x-y and a-b, to x-b. I assume that as before, any combination of the above can be changed later on a whim using just that marriage certificate

Is this really worth arguing with your friends about? It’s only meant with kindness I’m sure

@wibdib

You can still do this, I did a few years ago. On the additional form it said both the priest and I were legally obligated to inform them if the marriage didn't happen.

Your name doesn't automatically change, but if you do change your name on marriage you can use your marriage certificate as proof of ID/evidence of name change e.g. when applying for a new passport, changing bank details.

I didn't change my surname when I married.

Apart from the Christmas cards from his old relatives with the irritating Mr & Mrs HisSurname, I've not had much hassle about it.

However, I was very close to blowing a fuse and having a complete meltdown when we both went to the Sheriff's office to submit the divorce paperwork. One of the staff there could not get it into his brain that I hadn't changed my name and that's why both my maiden name and married name were the same in the paperwork I submitted. I kept trying to explain and he kept insisting I change it to Mrs HisSurname.
I can cope with the general public being ignorant but to have actual staff at the Sheriff court be ignorant and sexist was infuriating. I wanted to throttle him when he said he'd change it to Mrs HisSurname otherwise the paperwork wouldn't be processed.

In hindsight, I probably should have written a letter of complaint. Was too stressed to think about it at the time.

I kept my own surname when I married. It wasn’t an issue and everybody uses it.
But what did enrage me was people who didn’t address me as Dr - either verbally or in writing, and instead called me Mrs Babdoc.
Which was my vile, toxic, abusive, dead mother’s name, and horribly triggering for me.

No it does not "allow you to use your husband's name legally".

I can start calling myself Mrs Botts any time I want to. I don't need to marry Bertie Botts.

What would happen if you had some sort of stalker/person who is obsessed with you who took your last name just because they wanted to? Legally fine it seems but certainly part of harrassment in that context

EveryKingdom of course the registrar didn't issue the passport! As wibdib says is I believe what happened.