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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Long time ago but my DH

96 replies

Gizmo79 · 22/10/2019 21:33

Had sex with a prostitute in the red light district of Amsterdam.
This was way before we met.
I still struggle with the idea though. He was young and single so didn’t cheat in anyone, but...he paid to fuck some poor woman who had to pay her bills. Just so he could get his jollies.
When he told me initially I kicked him out, but then forgave. But I can’t forget. Every time he comes near me I feel that he is nasty, dirty, an arrogant man who thinks that’s okay,
Probably the wrong area to post in, but I don’t know who else will understand. If it wasn’t for our children then I would be long gone. I had one DS with him when we were in happy mode prior to finding this out, and then an accident DS when I was drunk. (And yes I should have probably had an abortion in hindsight although I love him to bits so no)!
We sleep together maybe once a year at the best as I strongly suspect he is shagging other prostitutes despite his denial, plus I can only bear to do it when I am paralytic.
When I am sober- the thought of what he did makes me retch inside.
I do not know what to do. Yes, I’m nasty for not having sex with my husband, but do other women find this okay?

OP posts:
Serenschintte · 22/10/2019 21:36

Have you been to counseling together? If this problem has been going on for so long there needs to be a resolution

Original poster
Gizmo79 · 22/10/2019 21:39

Thankyou for answering. No we have not been to counselling. Primarily because I know he wouldn’t go. Plus, the anger over it all would not be worth it.

OP posts:
Mummaofmytribe · 22/10/2019 21:39

No. Hell no. It's not ok. If you suspect he's still doing it can you work out how to safely split up?
You're dead right to find his attitude to women repugnant and that includes his attitude to you as a woman.
Women are sexual objects to him. Not people.
If this man is driving you to drink which it sounds like, you have to get out.
Stop drinking (it may numb things but that's only temorary) and make a plan for you and your children's lives.
Good luck.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/10/2019 21:41

I don't find it OK to have sex with an unwilling, possibly trafficked woman no.

But your relationship is over. I know you have children but feeling repulsed and disgusted by the person you live with isn't healthy.

Can you plan to divorce?

Karabair · 22/10/2019 21:41

No of course we don't find it OK. More importantly you don't find it OK. Why are you still with him? This sounds like an awful relationship.

Karabair · 22/10/2019 21:44

He's an absolute bastard for telling you this after you'd had his baby, so you knew but you were also trapped. He never gave you a choice about this.

If there was one prostituted woman, there have probably been many he abused. Men like this don't just do it once.

Original poster
Gizmo79 · 22/10/2019 21:45

I can’t afford to divorce.
I’m the higher earner- but not by a lot.
I’m a nurse, so work rubbish shifts.
I want to get out, but I have no way out. If I left I would have to leave my job which I absolutely will not do.
There must be other women out there who have had partners use sex workers and somehow worked through it? Please

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/10/2019 21:47

Yes, there are some women who knowingly stay in relationships with punters.

Is that what you wanted for your life ?

AnyFucker · 22/10/2019 21:51

There are also some women who stay with rapists. Some who stay with paedophiles. With murderers.

Some people are able to rationalise anything. They never have peace of mind though. No way to live.

BlingLoving · 22/10/2019 21:52

I'm a little confused - he had sex with a prositute once years ago. But you think hte's still using prostitutes? Do you have evidence for this?

Obviously, men using prostitutes is not great. BUT... I think there's been a huge (very welcome) cultural shift in that previously it wasn't seen in the same light we look at it today. I am embarrassed to admit that 15 years ago I walked through the Red Light District thinking it was just a tourist thing. I wouldn't dream of doing that today.

If the use of a prostitute once many years ago caused this level of angst in you I'd have thought counselling or divorce was necessary long before. And if you think it indicates the kind of man he still is, then divorce is inevitable.

Original poster
Gizmo79 · 22/10/2019 21:52

No. But I have no family back up. I feel trapped with this situation.
I worked very hard to be in a decent financial situation job wise but I can’t afford to leave. I just was hoping for someone to say that maybe I’m being too judgemental and you don’t blame him, after all he was single at the time. If I can get that through my head enough then maybe I could start to be a bit nicer to him.

OP posts:
Karabair · 22/10/2019 21:53

You're really likely to meet them here. Not on FWR.

This is a place where men's harm to women is not acceptable. Your DH has harmed you and he has harmed the woman (women) he used. You live with it every day, so does she probably..

Karabair · 22/10/2019 21:53

"You're not really likely"

RueCambon · 22/10/2019 21:54

You just have to end it and start yr new life. It wont be easy but clearly you can't unknow the fact that makes you lose all respect for him.

Original poster
Gizmo79 · 22/10/2019 21:59

He is now ex military, but still hangs around with a lot of that crowd. He often tells me how they (his friends) go off whoring. Also used to go out with those groups when still in the military and say how lucky I was that he wasn’t off whoring, but never be in contact when he was meant to be on base. So no direct proof. Just an idea of what the expected behaviour is. If I try to call him on anything then he just gets very angry so it is not worth upsetting the kids. Sounds like a drip feed and I am sorry.

OP posts:
Karabair · 22/10/2019 22:02

He's abusive. You need to get away.

You will be able to rebuild, including your career, but you need to get away.

AnyFucker · 22/10/2019 22:04

"Whoring" ?

Charming. Looks like his toxicity and misogyny is catching.

Karabair · 22/10/2019 22:07

Raping would be a more accurate term. Maybe that would clarify what you need to do OP.

drspouse · 22/10/2019 22:08

If you split, why would he not continue to cover childcare for shifts? Or could you move into health visiting or another office hours job?

I know I'd feel you're same as you, this is an awful thing for you to have found out.

Campervan69 · 22/10/2019 22:08

He sounds terrible OP. No wonder you don't want to have sex with him. I'm sorry but I would be looking for ways to untangle my life from his.

Original poster
Gizmo79 · 22/10/2019 22:08

Whoring was not my speech. That was his term, sorry if that did not come across right.
Maybe his behaviour is due to his surroundings, I do t know.
I did not mean to cause offence, I hate the term.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gizmo79 · 22/10/2019 22:12

anyfucker that was his words not mine. Sorry if I caused any misunderstanding.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/10/2019 22:18

This is the man you are looking for excuses to keep hitched to. Someone who casually uses the word "whoring" when really he means buying sexual consent.

Original poster
Gizmo79 · 22/10/2019 22:18

I guess I was still hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel as it were. Maybe I am just a judgemental bitch. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know if my feelings are still over the top, and actually, maybe I do need to just forgive and forget.
Is it just that I feel threatened by him having sex with more attractive women, or not.
I have low self esteem. I am not attractive, a big part of me can’t blame him for wanting to have sex with more attractive women. But the fact they are s3x workers is what makes me upset, they may not even have a choice, but he still does it. I’d rather he had an affair.

OP posts:
Pota2 · 22/10/2019 22:19

Gizmo I agree with others that you need to try to find a way out of this. It must be possible, even if it will be difficult. Are there jobs you could apply for that are not shift work? If I lived with someone who repulsed me, I would definitely think about a change in career if it meant getting away from him. He sounds awful by the way.