Long time ago but my DH

[Gizmo79]

Had sex with a prostitute in the red light district of Amsterdam.
This was way before we met.
I still struggle with the idea though. He was young and single so didn’t cheat in anyone, but...he paid to fuck some poor woman who had to pay her bills. Just so he could get his jollies.
When he told me initially I kicked him out, but then forgave. But I can’t forget. Every time he comes near me I feel that he is nasty, dirty, an arrogant man who thinks that’s okay,
Probably the wrong area to post in, but I don’t know who else will understand. If it wasn’t for our children then I would be long gone. I had one DS with him when we were in happy mode prior to finding this out, and then an accident DS when I was drunk. (And yes I should have probably had an abortion in hindsight although I love him to bits so no)!
We sleep together maybe once a year at the best as I strongly suspect he is shagging other prostitutes despite his denial, plus I can only bear to do it when I am paralytic.
When I am sober- the thought of what he did makes me retch inside.
I do not know what to do. Yes, I’m nasty for not having sex with my husband, but do other women find this okay?

You're hanging on to a dream that doesn't exist, the idea that your marriage can be OK and that you can just carry on with nothing changing. That's why you're reaching for excuses like the idea that you're judgemental or over the top or you need to forgive and forget. The problem doesn't lie with you.

It's unforgivable to have landed that information on you after you'd married him and had a baby and he'd trapped you. He never gave you a choice.

He hates women. Get away from him.

I am lucky that I can work regular shifts, but even with that I still can’t afford the over £1000 a month that I pay.
And my H contributions is 243 a month in childcare vouchers. Each month I have to find 600 plus to pay. After my 243 childcare vouchers.
That will not decrease for the next couple of years. Due to age of younger child.
I guess I will hang on in until my youngest gets his free hours in April 2021. In the great scheme of things, it’s not long.
The dark side of me says - they will get a large lump sum if I die. And yes, I m pathetic, and low. But that is what I am beginning to think of. I can’t live with this man anymore. At least I won’t have to live with feeling nausea when I think about him.
I sorry, this has all made me realise what a sham my life is. Thankyou all who have replied. I guess I need to woman up a bit.

"If it wasn’t for our children then I would be long gone."
You're living with a man you can't bear to sleep with, who you suspect is still using prostitutes, whose friendship group reinforce such behaviour. You might think you're successfully hiding your repulsion from your children, but I doubt that that is possible.

Your children are growing up in a tense and dysfunctional atmosphere -this is really not good for them. We absorb what is the 'right' way to behave in relationships from the behaviour modelled by our family - what do you think your boys are absorbing from your behaviour? From his?

You need to stop thinking you are a judgemental bitch - you really, really aren't! His behaviour - and I'm not just talking about Amsterdam - towards you in particular and women in general is totally shit. He would "say how lucky I was that he wasn’t off whoring" - well that explains your low self-esteem!

You need to split. Your marriage is over and has been for some years. All that's needed now is to sort out the practicalities, and that is where you are stumbling. You speak of no family support and rubbish shifts, and you sound in a panic about it. Stop. Step back. What would it take to make it work? Don't immediately shut down any avenue as impossible.

For example, shifts - could change happen there? Could you move to a more 9-5ish routine working in a GP's surgery, or retrain as a health visitor or some other field in nursing that is less shift-based? Maybe that could be a long-term plan if retraining is involved, stay with him whilst you retrain then when your career is repositioned you can split.

Finances - look into what benefits you would qualify for, consider he would have to pay maintenance for the children, could this allow you to afford paid support? What hours would you need covered (under current shifts and future work patterns)?

You can't just wave a magic wand and it would all happen at once. But you can think it through and work out what steps would need to be taken to nudge you bit by bit to freedom from this man.

Oh my I don't get some of these comments. Most prostitutes in Amsterdam are professionals as in they choose to do what they do for what ever reason not necessarily trafficked women... It's actually why it's legal in Amsterdam, to reduce the crime involved in sex work.
Just because your husband slept with one many many years ago does not make him an abuser or worse rapist. I think PP's are being overly dramatic! I've known friends that have been to Amsterdam and done the same in their misspent youth, not something they would ever repeat but they are good people otherwise and are respectful of women and don't see them as 'SeX objects'.
If you feel this way you need to leave him so your children are not growing up in a hateful unhappy home. If you think he is continuing to use prostitutes then you need to leave him. If you don't love him you need to leave him. It's not fair for you to expect him to be in a sexless marriage with someone who finds him repulsive. It's not fair on yourself to stay with so much hurt and no love. But if you do love him and you feel you can trust him again and find him attractive once again then you need to get to the truth and you need to tell him everything you have written here if you want any chance of saving your marriage and living a happy and fulfilled life as a family.

Is it just that I feel threatened by him having sex with more attractive women, or not
I have low self esteem. I am not attractive, a big part of me can’t blame him for wanting to have sex with more attractive women

You are being threatened by him because he is a misogynistic rapist who has no respect for women. The relative attractiveness or otherwise of you and the prostitutes is beyond irrelevant. Ffs - do you really think he's (ab)using prostitutes because he finds them physically attractive? He's abusing them because he can.

To answer your question- if it had been once, long ago and if he was truly sorry and truly understood what he did was wrong then possibly "Thou hast committed...," "Fornication? / But that was in another country: / And besides, the wench is dead might figuratively apply.

But he isn't sorry; it wasn't just once; he has no understanding of why what he did was wrong or any desire to try to begin to understand. I would not want a man like him around my children.

Woman up to stay with him? No don't do that.

Why isn't he paying hs fair share? They're his children too.

"I can’t live with this man anymore."

Go and see a lawyer and investigate your options. Do something practical, it will make you feel better. You're trapped at the moment but some of the obstacles are ones you're putting up. Your children will be better off away from him and so will you.

The Freedom Programme may also help:

Are you scared of him?

Go away Natesmymate. Nobody needs to hear those lies about the sex/rape industry here.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Here's some facts about happy hookers in Amsterdam.

www.amsterdam-advisor.com/prostitution-in-amsterdam.html

www.google.com/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/voices/amsterdam-red-light-district-failing-prostitution-sex-work-decriminalisation-doesnt-work-holland-a8206511.html%3famp

I agree with natesmymate

If he used a prostitute once, years ago, that to me doesn’t mean he views women as objects or is a rapist /abuser. It means he did something unwise in his youth that he regrets.

If you suspect he is still using prostitutes, that’s a different matter. Or if he is otherwise abusive.

But can we really not allow a partner a mistake? When they were young? In a time when the sex industry wasn’t viewed as it is now? Very OTT in my opinion.

But if your relationship is over and you don’t love him, you need to leave.

How do you think the woman he used in Amsterdam felt about what he did to her Proseccoinamug?

Doesn't really matter how society views it. He paid for a woman to ignore her sexual disgust and allow access to her body that she wouldn't otherwise have given.

It's not a mistake, it's a crime.

Why are you asking us to talk you into staying when you obviously aren't happy, OP? You aren't OK with what he did. You may not be able to leave right away but you should definitely be taking steps in that direction.

Sex industry apologists - there is no receptive audience for you here and it's really not appropriate to be trying to talk OP out of her discomfort, so stop.

Put your income details in to this calculator.
It might make it all more doable.
www.entitledto.co.uk/?utm_source=BAdviser&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=GovUK

Some people have a wierd view of nursing which is specialised now,you can't just hop from one area to another.
The OP says she works regular shifts but these will probably start early and the idea that any nursing is 9-5.
See a solicitor OP as living like this is not tenable.You don't say what childcare you use ATM and how much and how much,if any ,childcare would your OH do?
Try looking at what you can do not what stops you,it will be really tough at first but you will be heading for better days and will be more able mentally to do it.
I'm a nurse,I don't have regular shifts or nearby family but when the hard path ahead becomes your only option you will find a way.

Many many blokes as young men have been to Amsterdam on a blokes weekend and have had sex. I do t think it is right but that is the case. They just don’t tell their future wives or girlfriends as that was part of their youth. I’m not excusing it. I think it is abhorrent. But it is legal in Amsterdam.

The problem you have is that you think your H is still paying for sex. You don’t fancy him and you don’t like him - I don’t blame you he sounds awful. You need to leave him.

Regardless of what he did 15 years ago, you are so desperately unhappy that you are experiencing suicide ideation.

Nurses are my absolute heros, but they are good at their jobs because they are able to put other people’s needs first. You need to put yourself first.

You need a plan - do the Freedom Programme (as suggested above, you can do the online version if if’s hard to get to an actual group) and get yourself some talking therapy - can you see a psychologist through work? Or if you prefer, go private - most counsellors do a sliding scale for payments. Full price is about £50 an hour round here. Speak to someone who offers marriage guidance, but tell them you’ll be attending alone.

If he’d done it once and was regretful and apologetic and willing to attend counselling to unpack why, then maybe it would be worth sticking around for and trying to move forward.

But it sounds to me like you are emotionally out of the door already,
Do you want to grow old with this man?
No.
So work on setting yourself free.
The universe has better in store for you. I promise.

If he used a prostitute once, years ago, that to me doesn’t mean he views women as objects or is a rapist /abuser. It means he did something unwise in his youth that he regrets.

Well it does, doesn't it? He thinks money is enough to make up for a lack of enthusiastic consent. If prostitution wasn't so normalised we'd all see that for what it is.

Your relationship does not sound healthy and it sounds like there is more that you don't want to say.
I was in n an abusive relationship for a long time but finally reached my enough us enough and left with two toddlers. I was petrified financially. However, I returned to work, 16 hours, and got child tax credit and working tax credit. This pays up to 80% of your childcare costs so you can stay in work.

At the time leaving him was the scariest thing in the world as well of the fear of him harming me and my children.

I did the Freedom Programme linked above and I realised how I was abused in so many ways and the eventual impact on the children staying with him would have.

There are so many reasons for you to stay, I get that, but these feelings will only worsen and you will be driven mad.

My life now is brilliant, I am so free and I can love my kids the way I want to. I am still healing but I'm alive.

Also I would not recommend Relate to anyone who suspects they are in an abusive relationship, we went after I found out about some of his affairs and it just made the abuse worse. It gave him ammo to control me more than ever.

Sex industry apologist!!??? Really? Because I think someone who has used a prostitute once isn't an abuser /rapist?? Jog on.
I have known and know people in the sex industry that actually love what they do. They choose it because it earns them good money and they have no problem expressing their sexuality.
The issue of sex trafficking is completely different and yes absolutely abhorrent, the best way to tackle this is to legalise sex work, and change the attitudes of the public around it.
In terms of the OP my point was that if it is something she simply cannot get past the marriage is truly over. I haven't read anything to suggest he has continued seeing prostitutes other than OP suspicion but with no evidence.
OP you seem so unhappy. It's not worth it. You have one life. You have children you have to show how to be happy in life. Life is far too short to waste it. Free yourself from such unhappiness. Make a plan and see it through. I may not agree with your repulsion at him for sleeping with a prostitute many years ago but I certainly understand that he may not be a good man and someone you need to get away from.

Just stop. This is a feminist board, cheerleading for the sex industry will be challenged here.

I have known and know people in the sex industry that actually love what they do.

And I have known people who do this as well. More than you I'd bet. One died because her heroine addiction killed her. But not before the only vein she had left was in her neck. And she would sob before she went to work but she'd go anyway. I know her sister as well. Works in a supermarket. Less fucked up and dead amazingly.

And I know which one of these people better represents the women who do this.

Besides the very fucking obvious fact that women can get laid if they aren't fussy any time they like. So if they love sex, they can get sex. Unwanted sex is what's being paid for. And what is unwanted sex?

And it's not a 'mistake' to sexually exploit a woman.

It's rape. Men who use prostituted women are rapists. We need to accurately name what they do so we can stop them.

OP you need to leave. You're suicidal. You need other support too. I would suggest Women's Aid.

Why would he tell you this, after you had a child together?

He perhaps wanted to check your boundaries and put you down... see how far he could push you.

Can you tell us how this came up. I can’t say more now as I have to go, but I will return later. Suspect he is abusive from what you have said so far. Hugs in the meantime. What a shitty situation.

This seems complicated. You said your dp wouldn't go to counseling but could you go on your own to talk stuff through? I personally don't agree with paying for sex but it's not clear if he did this once years ago or continues to do so. Or that you are conjecting that he does. If it was a one off childish mistake then I believe people make mistakes, they can regret it terribly and are not that person anymore. I know I certainly don't stand by things I said or did in my twenties. Does he express remorse over what happened? Imo, army people can have a tougher edge that they put on display (my dp is ex army) and I kinda get why. Has this single thing dissolved your repect for him or are there other contributing factors?
Your children will need and want you more than anything in the world so have no doubt that whatever happens you'll work through it with your boys rights by your side and it may take time but you'll have a bright and sunny future.