Help with note to teacher

[tinkerbellvspredator]

Can someone help me phrase a short note to my DS's teacher that will get my point across while trying to avoid a defensive/eye roll reaction?

DS has just started reception and has asked me "why are the girls more well behaved than the boys" clearly the teacher or TA has said this.

I don't mind if DS gets told off if he's misbehaving (note I don't have concerns with his behaviour as in the nursery class his report said he was a 'role model'). He is in a large class (30) and there are more boys than girls. I don't think ALL the boys will have been more badly behaved than all the girls.

I've got:
Labelling children results in them living down/up to the stereotype
Research shows that teachers tend to ignore the same bad behaviour in girls that they pick up in boys
I doubt every single boy was not meeting the behaviour standard, leaving them confused as to why they're being told they're not behaving. If this is a repeated message they will be demoralised or think they may as well be badly behaved.

Also is there an article I could share that covers this well?

Boy girl boy girl is still a popular pattern on the carpet and for lining up because, whether popular or not, it works.

I agree. And the teachers can’t be blamed for that. If there is trend of boys being more boisterous and girls being more eager to please in a young class then I think surely that’s begun at home and is influenced by how those children were treated as toddlers. You can’t blame the teacher for having to manage and deal with the consequences of that in a practical way.

She asked for advice, got it and took it. The posts decrying her and others for being hysterical or melodramatic are not really what I would expect from the feminist board.

I think it’s the OPs unreasonable assumption that ‘clearly’ her son’s comments were influenced by a teacher or TA that have made posters react in this way. What her son said could have easily and more likely been something he overheard another child say or an observation he just made for himself. If the OP had said that she’d heard the teacher say these things I think the reaction from posters would have been very different and much more sympathetic. But it’s not fair to put words into people’s mouths and then write a letter of complaint based on assumptions.

Exactly, pinkblueberry

I don't believe for a second that behavioural differences between the sexes are innate but they are definitely real.

They are messages learnt from home because I am the one who speaks to parents and is told, "he's a boy, what do you expect?", "the other boys need to toughen up"; "yeah he's a bit boisterous but show me a lad who isn't" and so it goes on.

This nonsense starts at home. The teachers just have to try and manage it and reduce its impact on the learning of all the children.

'Interestingly, the girls poor behaviour isn't called naughtiness... Its usually called unkindness.'

Never thought of that, you're right.

Lots of teachers do seem to use 'good' girls to manage difficult boys though, to the detriment of the girls.

It's on mn all the time, and it happened with my Dd2.

So I suppose maybe it gets passed on to new teachers by older ones when they get into schools?

DD1 said in year 1 that she wanted to go to a girls school as the boys were disruptive.

Now she's older she wants to be a boy not a girl.

These sort of things are linked I'd say.

You will look like a right pillock if you send a note.

Lots of teachers do seem to use 'good' girls to manage difficult boys though, to the detriment of the girls.

It's on mn all the time, and it happened with my Dd2.

So I suppose maybe it gets passed on to new teachers by older ones when they get into schools?

Actually, you start of telling yourself that you won't do that but sometimes it's the only thing that works. And, when it does work, it can mean the difference between order and disorder.

It's not standard and it's not necessary in all cohorts. But, sometimes, it helps.

I think it's a really hard position to be in.

I'm very much a "suck it up" keep head down be quiet and do your work and behave parent for the most part.

But some things you do have to intervene in and risk being labelled "that parent"

Lots of teachers do seem to use 'good' girls to manage difficult boys though, to the detriment of the girls.

This absolutely happens "who can I sit them next to so they don't get an audience?". It's done because if you are trying to get the whole class, including the disruptive boy, to make progress.

Lots of different strategies are used, and it definitely isn't only boys who are disruptive.

It's a sacrifice 1 or 2 for the good of the rest, I get that.

It's shit for the girls who are sacrificed though. And it's always girls.

Just thought,

I wonder what the girls learn about boys and relationships if they have this.

They learn that it is their job to manage poor male behaviour and put up with a certain amount of abuse,

That could have longer term consequences in their lives.

Just thought of that.

This absolutely happens "who can I sit them next to so they don't get an audience?". It's done because if you are trying to get the whole class, including the disruptive boy, to make progress.

Lots of different strategies are used, and it definitely isn't only boys who are disruptive.

Very True.

It's shit for the girls who are sacrificed though. And it's always girls.

Sadly, also true.

They learn that it is their job to manage poor male behaviour and put up with a certain amount of abuse,

I think this is a huge problem.

Yeah I only just thought of that.

It's not trivial at all is it.

From posts on mn and it happened to Dd2, seems not uncommon.

Are we setting these girls up for abusive relationships (if they are straight).

I've taught most year groups in primary and there are clear differences between the way that the majority of boys behave and the way in which the majority of girls behave. It doesn't need an adult to point it out. Children (even in Foundation) notice it for themselves.

I'm currently teaching in Upper Juniors and, while the boys aren't as boisterous in class as they were when they started school, many are still very immature compared with the girls. I often have girls who are trying to work but are distracted and irritated by boys on their table who are chatting or making silly noises.

I went to an all girls school and of course whilst there was bad behaviour, the bad girls were never sat next to the good girls for the good girls to manage

I helped with some post grad research on bullying as an observer and it was the first time I’d been in a mixed secondary school. Fuck me I was horrified at what the girls routinely put up with - regularly being called slag & slut, rulers used to lift their skirts up, bra straps pulled, “you on the blob?” If they got upset. The worst thing was When I spoke to them about it they just shrugged it off as just the way it is, just something they had to put up with. The girls did fight back a bit but it was the relentless sexual nature of the boys bullying I struggled with.

I think girls internalise very early that it is their job to manage & mitigate Male behaviour & if they can’t, to just suck it up. It’s really sad

You will be on the staff room noticeboard in the ‘That Mother’ sweepstakes.

@Ringdonna. Why not the "That Parent Sweepstakes". Yet more misogyny on the feminist board and a clear demonstration of the awful gender stereotyping this thread is seeking to address.

@Pinkblueberry. I completely agree that OP made an unhelpful assumption in her initial post. But her underlying concerns are real and valid.

The early pressure on girls to be understanding of and responsible for male poor behaviour is horrifying. And to the poster who said another pp was melodramatic to leap from poor behaviour in 5 year old to sexual assault, it really isn't. My 4 year old had her school skirt lifted on several occasions by the same boy at school. She then wanted to wear shorts under her skirts so that the boys couldn't see her pants when they did this. She is already learning that she needs to change the way she dresses to protect herself from boys. Thankfully her teachers took it very seriously.

Surprised that they have assigned seats so young tbh. We only sit our 4/5/6 yr olds in a particular seat for max 20 mins per day, am then pm. Rest of the time is choice. Seems to work quite well.

To be fair I am talking secondary.

It's shit for the girls who are sacrificed though. And it's always girls.

This just isn't true. There are badly behaved and well behaved girls and boys.

Also, the well-behaved child isn't being asked to manage the other child, just not encourage them in being disruptive.

@pippitysqueakity in our school there are two p2 classes. One has set seating for the children. The other has more choice, much like you describe. I always wonder why there isn't a whole school approach to things like this.

Its amazing how different each class is though, the individual characters that make up a class, the age balance, the needs and so on so i guess a whole school policy might not be practical.

Also, the well-behaved child isn't being asked to manage the other child, just not encourage them in being disruptive

Which often entails ignoring very distracting behaviour and taking alot of hassle.

Example from my dd.

Talking to his friends through her ears.
Her stuff being taken or thrown about
Man spreading.
Being kicked under the table
Bashed into/table wobbled.

If it was merely sitting next to there wouldnt be a problem.

'It's shit for the girls who are sacrificed though. And it's always girls.

This just isn't true. There are badly behaved and well behaved girls and boys.'

This doesn't follow.

Are boys used to control disruptive boys /girls? I've seen loads of threads on here where it's girls who are used for toys purpose, never one about a boy being used this way. OK so maybe it happens but usually it's girls isn't it.

I don't understand your point about girls being disruptive as well, and how that relates to the point. Maybe you can explain.