Help with note to teacher

[tinkerbellvspredator]

Can someone help me phrase a short note to my DS's teacher that will get my point across while trying to avoid a defensive/eye roll reaction?

DS has just started reception and has asked me "why are the girls more well behaved than the boys" clearly the teacher or TA has said this.

I don't mind if DS gets told off if he's misbehaving (note I don't have concerns with his behaviour as in the nursery class his report said he was a 'role model'). He is in a large class (30) and there are more boys than girls. I don't think ALL the boys will have been more badly behaved than all the girls.

I've got:
Labelling children results in them living down/up to the stereotype
Research shows that teachers tend to ignore the same bad behaviour in girls that they pick up in boys
I doubt every single boy was not meeting the behaviour standard, leaving them confused as to why they're being told they're not behaving. If this is a repeated message they will be demoralised or think they may as well be badly behaved.

Also is there an article I could share that covers this well?

Oh here we go teacher bashing again!
If you send it you will always be that parent and rightly so. How insulting to the teaching staff, teachers and support staff that you believe your 4 year old’s throw away comment over TRAINED professionals.
Go make a brew and calm down.

What siring said.

The thing is regardless of where your child got this message from he is going to keep seeing /hearing it. Boys do get punished more in schools. Men are more likely to commit serious crime than women. My daughter came home from school asking the same question but not because a teacher told her it was the case but because she witnessed the differences in behaviour.

You need to keep reinforcing appropriate behaviour and dismantling gender stereotypes for your son. You cant write a note to everyone in every situation where negative gender stereotypes are supported.

Thanks all. I will not send the note!

I really don't think a 4 year old is likely to ask that particular question based on his own observations (he's busy playing not observing classroom dynamics). But I take your point that I can't know for sure and it will appear sanctimonious.

As some PP have said there is a reason why we end up in with disruptive boys and we all contribute. Parents, society and yes I'm pretty sure schools aren't always remembering to actively work against gender stereotypes.

Dear Headteacher,

Please take this letter as notice that with effect from (date), I will be removing (name of child) from (name of school) in order to home-school him/ move him to (name of single-sex school).
I would like to thank you and your staff for the help, support and opportunities given to him during his time in your care.

Your Sincerely,
Tinker

I think you need to clarify was it actually said before writing anything
Maybe your son just noticed that the girls were better behaved on that day

If the teacher tells off 10 boys to every one girl he may well notice it. Children themselves may say it too.
I'd mention he said it, to the teachers. They can do some teaching around it if they feel so inclined. But just verbally and make sure they know you don't think they SAID it.

My daughter was 4 when she asked. She noticed it was always the same 5 boys who were being sent to see the HT. And the same two boys who were repeatedly violent towards her and the other girls.

Interestingly, the girls poor behaviour isn't called naughtiness... Its usually called unkindness. 😒

tinker

I think this thread is helpful in that it enables us to see just how entrenched it all is. In the these messages are there from day one in reception.

I certainly dont think its indicative of all teachers and I certainly dont even think many will even realise they are doing it. Bit girl seating plans are "normal" . Tried and tested methods I guess. And if its school policy or just how it's done then certainly it's not always going to be possible for an nqt to walk in and ignore advice given.

I would be interested to know what the modules on behaviour management and seating plans included in teacher training courses at college/uni

But yes they notice. Yes the end result is undesirable. And yes there are many many many threads about the negative effects particularly on the quiet well behaved girls.

I wish pointing these things out didnt result in cries of teacher bashing

When my DS was in reception there was a very wild group of boy ..All but one of them have calmed down immensely now ..

It was noticeable to anyone.

The thing that sticks out with all of these type of posts is that I do wonder where all these perfect parents are who say nothing wrong..Don't ever go over a conversation with their child and thought I wish I could handle that better... Obviously there are things that are completely unacceptable... however most are just not ideal and I do believe our kids learn something from that too.Even if it just opens up a conversation.

pick your battles is also another phrase you may need to hear

Agreed. I work in education (not a class teacher) and it is a field that should be as open to scrutiny as any other. Individual teachers are not being attacked by asking for school culture to be examined and improved upon for all of our children.

That's why I don't think a letter to an individual teacher is the way to go. Instead join the PTA, look at the behaviour policies, organise a volunteer group to survey parents, teachers and pupils about their experiences etc etc.

roly

Honestly I think the biggest contributor is probably the ever increasing list of things teachers cant say or do. In our day and our parents days you'd get called out for being a shit, and a board rubber launched across the class room at you. The mere threat of your parents being called was enough to get you to behave.

Now no ones allowed to single people out or offend anyone.

They have no choice but to attempt other methods

😂😂😂😂😂😂
Please send it. It'll be stuck on a noticeboard in the staffroom, and when staff are fed up with constant unwarranted backlash from unreasonable parents, it'll give them a giggle.

balls

I wonder if you would be laughing so much if it was your kid who ended up hurt or distressed and sexually harassed and the teachers response was variations of "boys will be boys"

why are the girls more well behaved than the boys" clearly the teacher or TA has said this.

Clearly You are making an absolute fool out of yourself OP. As a PP said, put the pen down. Gosh, this is really taking being ‘that parent’ to a whole new level - you can add embarrassing parent too. Luckily your DS is still young enough to be oblivious to this sort of thing at the moment but I would feel very sorry for them if they were older.

Unfortunately, you do often see this. It begins at home where the parents dismiss the boys behaviour with an eye roll and "they're boys what do you expect?" Some people see it as a sign that their sons aren't 'wusses'.

In reception, the girls generally want to please and the boys 'generally' run around shouting.

And the children do notice it themselves and will comment on it.

You really notice it when you have a 'boy heavy' class. But it's not because boys can't behave - just that, at home, they're often not expected to.

I would be interested to know what the modules on behaviour management and seating plans included in teacher training courses at college/uni

How do you mean?

I never said the boys will be boys comment is fair. Where have I said that?! I was laughing at the letter, which is totally unreasonable, that the op just assumes the teachers and ta have tarred everyone with the same brush?

I wonder if you would be laughing so much if it was your kid who ended up hurt or distressed and sexually harassed and the teachers response was variations of "boys will be boys"

Slight (huge) leap into the melodramatic don’t you think? I don’t know how 5 year old children misbehaving has turned into sexual harassment in your mind

Because it's an ongoing message. One that flows through alot of the schooling life. And sadly at home too.

Kids do notice the differences in how they are treated and its naive to think that they dont and this difference in behavioural expectations has undesirable consequences as they move up through the years.

old what I mean is, that obviously things change. For instance we switched from individual tables (or tables seating 2) facing the front which had a reasonable sized gap in between to tables put together and seating groups. Even though that means alot of the time due to space issues not only only are you so much closer to the kids and have to be careful not to whack the one behind you with your arm or chair and people have their backs to the board or the teachers and have to move which can then obstruct others sat elsewhere. And this requires the need for seating plans which are effectively used for behaviour management. Thse seating plans also involve separating people and are often even on the carpet sat at the front boy girl boy girl etc

I am.just curious to know that when dealing with these seating plans is it somehow just coincidence that's how it ends up. Is it something that is physically in the texts/studies that is taught. I am genuinely intrigued as to how we moved from one to the other and why and whether its been shown to be effective or whether its something that just ended up like that.

I am.just curious to know that when dealing with these seating plans is it somehow just coincidence that's how it ends up. Is it something that is physically in the texts/studies that is taught.

You mean are student teachers given text books that tell them to sit boys next to girls? No. Teachers sit children where they think they will learn best - obviously taking behaviour into account but also other things such as children with SEN who need support sitting near an adult or children with visual impairments sitting where they can better see and access their learning. Friendship groups need to be taken into account as well - best friends aren’t always the best people to sit with during learning, they can distract each other, and at a young age best friends often are of the same sex, so perhaps that also impacts on a trend to sit them boy/girl. In terms of tables - children used to face the board because the teacher did all the talking. Now there is a lot more group work, partner talk etc during lessons - sitting in groups is necessary for that.

I think.also within that there has to be some acknowledgement that the long term message they are sending when dealing with the situation in the now is problematic.

I also think that there is a degree of knowing that another students work akd learning is collateral damage in these situations too.

I sympathise with teachers I honestly do akd I have only intervened when my dd has been nasty effected as in.subject to physical abuse /issues

I dont think it should he taken as teacher bashing to acknowledge something I'm.sure many teachers will admit themselves is the undesirable consequences.

It's up to the individual teacher how they organise the seating in their classroom. Even in schools that have a preferred plan, they wont sacrifice children's learning. So some classes will be organised in a horseshoe shape; some in groups of 6; some in lines and some in tables of 2. For example.

Poor behaviour/low level disruption in schools is such an issue generally that teachers will just do whatever it takes to maximise learning and minimise that.

Boy girl boy girl is still a popular pattern on the carpet and for lining up because, whether popular or not, it works.

I think I agree with you Sarah. The problem which has arisen here is that a parent seems to want to advise a teacher on their job. Senior teachers are much better placed to do this as they are well aware of the complex dynamics that happen in classrooms.

Sometimes it just seems to work better than others though. I worked in a class last year that was a battle from start to finish, the planning of that group was done with the best intentions to make lots of progress with them but it just didn't work out well. They are all doing better in different groups this year.

I'm also slightly surprised that the tone on this thread is so unpleasant. The OP has come back and taken the advice she was given here. She is a parent concerned about the negative consequences of gender stereotyping and socialisation. She asked for advice, got it and took it. The posts decrying her and others for being hysterical or melodramatic are not really what I would expect from the feminist board.