Women only, can you help me out ? Crisis/mental health

[JanesKettle]

I don't think I can continue to tolerate the gender issue in my home anymore.

We just came home from the Dr (two of my kids ID as trans) and I felt a strong drive to self harm. My mother verbally and emotionally abused me as a teen, and I self harmed as a reaction to that then, but haven't really felt it since.

I WILL, of course, tolerate it, because that's my job as a parent, and I WON'T self-harm, because I've got the skills to get through tonight, but I feel like I am cracking up under it all. I don't feel like there are any safe social spaces in my life to discuss my crack up though; because it is related to ROGD and not some other issue.

I feel like I should go and see someone, but I don't trust any counsellors or psychologists with this issue. I've tried to find someone rad fem before, but no luck, as rad fem women are pretty much the only ones I feel I can trust to speak honestly.

I feel stabbed and broken. My son is not my daughter, my daughter is not my son. There is no-one to whom I can say 'this is not what I wanted for my daughter. This is not what I wanted for my son.' My son wants to get rid of his name....I am supposed to be happy about that, but I just feel endless grief and anger.

Can you help me brainstorm how I can get me through ? I wondered if it would be safe to see a Catholic counsellor ? Would they be less likely to shame and minimise my experience re ROGD ? I'm not in the UK, so general suggestions would be very welcome. I mean, I'm an ex-Catholic atheist, but maybe they could help? Can anyone think of a group besides rad fems who would be safe on this issue ?

I tried a ROGD forum, but it just made me so sad when other people's children desisted - happy for them, happy for their children, terrified for mine.

I am just broken and I need some help to get up and put myself back together right now.

Thanks to anyone who can offer any ideas. This is the one safe social place I can think of to ask.

There's an Ask me Anything thread by a GC psychiatrist that might be a good place to look - I'll see if I can find it to link.

I have nothing but sympathy for you - you are living my nightmare scenario.

Your urge to seek help for you is a good one though - you absolutely need to protect yourself so well done for acknowledging that and putting yourself first.

How old are DC?

I am a gender critical psychiatrist AMA www.mumsnet.com/Talk/AMA/3648668-I-am-a-gender-critical-psychiatrist-AMA

How that works

DC are 16 and 20.

I've read the AMA thread earlier, thanks. The psychiatrist didn't know what parents could or should do.

I am doing the right things for the kids, but I feel helpless against the social wave. One of them, at least, will go under. I can't stop that. I just need to at least save myself, and right now I feel like I am drowning.

I suggest that you find some GC friends who you can rant to.

I also suggest that you get out of the bubble - because these issues are not actually even on the radar of most of society. Which can provide welcome relief.

With my children I would be delaying as much as possible. Try to discuss sexuality, being happy however non-conformist you are. And wonder if they were on the Autistic Spectrum. And try to do things, get them involved in stuff that has nothing to do with Gender - long walks, art - whatever.

Can you say what country you are in?

Where are you? You need some real life support. There must be some known gender critical feminists in your country.

Show your children some of the detransitioner videos or blogs? Ask them to not do anything drastic until they are older?

AU

I don't need to know what to do with my kids, thank you; I need to know who might be safe to seek counselling from.

That should have said 'thank you though'. I do appreciate it.

Just where I am going to find a safe therapist who will help me get through without judging ? Where to look ?

Molly has good points. Interests in anything which doesn't involve drugs/operations is to be encouraged.

Remember to keep talking to them, and listening. They will need to feel they are being taken seriously and not just dismissed.

I am trying to remember if I have seen any GC articles from AU, contacting writers would be a start to build a network.

I can't talk and listen any more. I've been doing it for three years. We do the art, the everything. I am a model ROGD mum.

I feel crushed by it. I need someone to listen to me, and not judge me as a bigot, but I don't trust the counselling/therapy profession on this issue.

I wonder if there's an online counsellor you could find.

I'm so sorry for the distress and pain you are going through as a mother. I can't imagine what it must be like to be dealing with two children who are identifying as trans.

You're absolutely right to be seeking help and support for yourself and I hope you find the professional resources you need.

I know there's a thread here for trans widows. Maybe there could be something similar for parents with trans children.

Some counsellors / therapists provide phone or Skype sessions so that could be an option if there aren't any ones near you that you feel comfortable with.
It might be worth reaching out to the Catholic ones if you are feeling really desperate and battling thoughts of self harm. Whatever resources and help you can get your hands on is a priority.

And of course keep using this space to vent and share your worries and frustrations. It's not ideal, but will help as a safety valve especially since you don't have access to offline spaces around you.

I'm so sorry I have no therapist info to offer but I am certain you're not alone. In the spirit of brainstorming; would a support thread here, similar to the transwidows thread, be of any use to you? It wouldn't offer qualified mental health input but I wonder if feeling less isolated would help. I hope you find someone who can offer something more substantial.

So sorry you are going through this.

My suggestion is that your own health, safety and sanity comes first or you cannot tend to your children (or anyone)

Could you find a good counsellor for yourself? They should keep everything confidential and only say things that are helpful to you as you would be the client and they would be there for you.

Many mental health professionals have concerns about the rush to transition children so I don’t think it too hard to find one that is more on your page.

I can only imagine what a horrible position you are in. The lack of support for parents in this area is terrible. You know well what you need, space to rant and rave and not pretend everything is great. It may well be worth sounding out Catholic counsellors. Have you directly contacted 4th wave now? They are in the US (not sure where you are). There must be parents out there who's children have persisted but are still gender critical. Keep looking and continue to take care of yourself. I know well that urge to use our bodies to express the pain.

As a counsellor my alliance would be with you and your beliefs. Any counsellor with a person centred basis-which most do-should be able to provide non judgemental support for you to have a space to explore your feelings around your children’s choices and hide from your childhood that are leaping up for you. Google free or subsidised counselling services in your area and ask if they are person centred. Or if you have the money go private.
I’d also say as adults your children could attend appointments alone if you going too is triggering you so badly.

I can't help with finding therapists OP, I'm sorry and I hope someone else can help. As a stopgap would a thread similar to the trans widows one on here help, just to give you a place to vent? There's always the 'other place' if here feels too exposed.

Hi OP

So sorry things are so tough and respect to you for wanting to find your own support so you can continue to parent & protect your kids.

Are you able to pay privately for therapy? In the UK, it's perfectly acceptable to contact private therapists and ask questions of them to determine whether you think they'll be able to listen & support you. The content of their response is often less important than the nature of their response to you. Good therapists will respond to these initial questions simply & honestly, non-defensively and with curiosity & compassion.

There is a US counsellor/therapist (I forget her actual qualification) called Sasha Ayad who works with lots of ROGD teens and their families over Skype, she’s spoken to Benjamin Boyce on YouTube several times and comes across as kind, curious and able to slot all this into a bigger picture.

I suspect you’d rather physically get out of the house, but if I were in your position, she’d be my go to. She might be able to help you find someone else, if online chatting isn’t your bag.

I had awful (but different) situations with my teenage son and did six months of Multi Systemic Therapy to help me understand my own behaviour and feelings and how to change them to change my son’s behaviour. I don’t think Sasha does MST (nor that it can be properly done from a distance) but I get the feeling she could help a mother a lot with a similar process. If nothing else she has masses of experience as to what it’s like for families with ROGD children:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=0tF0Mykerjw
m.youtube.com/watch?v=pLd3ejFQttc
m.youtube.com/watch?v=37i2oFOl_sE
m.youtube.com/watch?v=NmODs8eOR8g
m.youtube.com/watch?v=l8mZ2IVtsL0

I’ve noticed that many of the professionals speaking out seem to come from a Jungian background - maybe that will help you locate someone suitable?

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Analytical_psychology

Isadora2007

Can I ask you a question ? Would it be Ok to explicitly ask a counsellor before seeing them if they are comfortable with clients with a gender critical perspective, and if I did, would they be likely to answer honestly ?

I'm just really scared that they are going to secretly be thinking
'oh, she's my bigoted right wing one who should just shut up and start planning transition parties, but I've got to stay professional'.

Oh hell. What an awful awful awful situation. I don't have any useful suggestions, but loads of sympathy. (If it was me, I'd try any escapism that worked just to shift the load for a while, but you still need to find a counselor / listener you can trust. Escapism doesn't solve much.) Anyway. I wish there was some way to actually help via cyberspace!

DuMondeB, I'll check her out. Also multisystemic therapy. And the Jungians. Thank you, that's a start for looking at safe modes/people.

I am paying a lot for DBT for kids. I would have to pull someone out of DBT to pay for someone privately here, I think, but they might do payment plans ?

I don't think I know about the other place. Yes, a thread could really help as a stop gap; I'll think about how to start one once I stop being so hyperventilative right now.