Women only, can you help me out ? Crisis/mental health

[JanesKettle]

I don't think I can continue to tolerate the gender issue in my home anymore.

We just came home from the Dr (two of my kids ID as trans) and I felt a strong drive to self harm. My mother verbally and emotionally abused me as a teen, and I self harmed as a reaction to that then, but haven't really felt it since.

I WILL, of course, tolerate it, because that's my job as a parent, and I WON'T self-harm, because I've got the skills to get through tonight, but I feel like I am cracking up under it all. I don't feel like there are any safe social spaces in my life to discuss my crack up though; because it is related to ROGD and not some other issue.

I feel like I should go and see someone, but I don't trust any counsellors or psychologists with this issue. I've tried to find someone rad fem before, but no luck, as rad fem women are pretty much the only ones I feel I can trust to speak honestly.

I feel stabbed and broken. My son is not my daughter, my daughter is not my son. There is no-one to whom I can say 'this is not what I wanted for my daughter. This is not what I wanted for my son.' My son wants to get rid of his name....I am supposed to be happy about that, but I just feel endless grief and anger.

Can you help me brainstorm how I can get me through ? I wondered if it would be safe to see a Catholic counsellor ? Would they be less likely to shame and minimise my experience re ROGD ? I'm not in the UK, so general suggestions would be very welcome. I mean, I'm an ex-Catholic atheist, but maybe they could help? Can anyone think of a group besides rad fems who would be safe on this issue ?

I tried a ROGD forum, but it just made me so sad when other people's children desisted - happy for them, happy for their children, terrified for mine.

I am just broken and I need some help to get up and put myself back together right now.

Sorry if I upset you, @JanesKettle your pain does shine through.
GC friends to rant to is at least a stop gap until you can find a good therapist.
I found this blog gendercriticaldad.blogspot.com/ to be well written and informative. And from that I found this gendercriticalresources.com/Support/ which might be another place to look for recommendations.

Thanks Molly, you didn't upset me, I'm just upset and not thinking and expressing myself clearly.

A few ideas, you could try the Catholic or other church route, but it is not as simple as looking at the denomination because many including our are welcoming to all, religion doesn't mean anti, but you would get a non judgemental ear because that's our job, we accept everyone for who they are. You could also try speaking to other parents in the same situation, they will have more insight than anybody else, including professionals (unless the professional is also a parent of a trans kid), finally there are counsellors out there who are feminists but I question how much you need that. A professional will help you and will not let personal opinions get in the way of supporting you.

I know 4 young trans people, only one has started full transitioning, one is taking hormones, one has deciding she's non binary and just wears masculine clothing and wants neutral pronouns and the final one decided she was a girl afterall but gay, has grown hair long, back to wearing dresses etc. I'm kind of saying stick with it, they may change their mind

I've just seen this, it might provide a starting point to finding someone who can help you.

4thwavenow.com/2019/08/06/waiting/

It's not so much the welcoming thing, it's that I know Catholics do not believe that people can change sex, so maybe a Catholic counsellor would be more likely to respect that pov ? Idk.

It will stop me ever reaching out again if a therapist says to me 'you need to accept your child's new name'. I can't risk that someone will say that to me. I just can't.

Thanks for the link, Turbo.

Have PM'd you details of the other place OP.

i cant imagine how you must be feeling.

Counsellirs should be confidential and centre on your needs but i understand your reluctance not knowing if they are GC.

A parents thread sounds like a good idea. It might be useful to have a recommended list of GC places/people that can help, by country? This might need to be private/secure - closed FB group maybe due to not wanting TRA attacks.

TY Hiding

hi op. i'm seeing a private counsellor atm as my mental health has taken a dive recently. i have asd as does my teen dc and i need professional help managing both (long run out of nhs options aside from medication).

trans issues have been a specific trigger for me and my counsellor was entirely non-judgemental when i raised it. if she's hiding a private disgust of me and/or my opinions she's doing it well enough that it doesn't interfere with the therapeutic relationship.

it's not the main focus of the counselling and not something i enquired about ahead of time, but we did discuss via email my current situation and the help i was hoping for. i would expect any counsellor worth their salt to answer candidly at the outset if they felt they were unable to assist you in your current situation.

sending all love and luck with finding the support you need.

I just remembered that I do trust my GP - should I go to him and tell him alll this ?

Yes definitely speak to your GP if you have a good relationship. They should be able to give you contact details to counselors.

I think it's perfectly acceptable to come straight out when you phone a potential therapist and say that you are looking for someone who is gender critical and doesn't believe that people can be born in the wrong bodies. My guess is that older female feminist therapists may be more GC, so you could start by finding an older woman and then asking if she's a feminist and then asking if she's GC.

I can see that there's a need for GC support groups for women with ROGD children. Are there any GC feminist groups in your area?

Yes if you trust your GP, that is a good starting point.

In someone else's post this comment jumped out the final one decided she was a girl afterall but gay, has grown hair long, back to wearing dresses etc. Why do girls have to have long hair and wear dresses? My own Grandmother would be rolling in her grave at this, she was no feminist but thought we had got beyond this in the 1920s.

But OP do build your own support network, and build in self care - it is crucial for any parent of any child in "crisis".

This is really a very long shot, but there is a very gender-critical feminist & out lesbian at the UniofSyd. See her speaking here:

(I knew her vaguely at university many years ago - my memories are that she's a nice person)

Maybe an email to her asking if she has any contacts (there are underground "secret" networks amongst feminists now) who could help you? Or a good feminist network where you can vent & receive support so you know you're not the one who is out of kilter? There may be some contacts at whichever university you are near.

It's a long time since I lived there, but I might be able to help via PM.

I do trust my GP to be professional; he's always shown himself to be so far.

I found a group local to me that is teaching skills in tolerating distress. I have to get the courage up to phone and ask if it is actually women only (it says its a women's group). I wish I could just trust it was.

I thought about why I'm so worried about counsellors - my dd (non trans) had a few in the past, and I always felt they put a lot of blame on mums. Would they park that if I was their client ? I don't know.

OK. I am going to make a GP appt tomorrow. That's managable. I'm gonna follow up a few leads you wonderful women gave me. I think pretty soon I can get into bed with a cup of tea and try some distraction to get breathing properly again.

So many thanks to everyone who posted.

I’ve noticed that many of the professionals speaking out seem to come from a Jungian background - maybe that will help you locate someone suitable?

Was about to say this, but DuMonde beat me to it!

It might also be worth looking for a grief counsellor - because I think the process is similar.

OhtheHills, someone close to me works there. I'm near there. I wll try contacting her. Thank you so much.

LangCleg

Yes. I think the anticipatory grief is what breaks me.

I would be experiencing a lot of anger, too – at how this has been allowed to happen and about the misogyny that blames women, blames mothers, blames us for not wanting to sleep with men in dresses...

Are there other mothers you are aware of through your children who you might be able to talk to and form a GC mother of ROGD children's support group?

Yes. I think the anticipatory grief is what breaks me.

I can only imagine, but yes.

Would you like me to ask in a rad fem Aus group if anyone has ideas? You can pm me city if you'd like.

It's good if you trust your GP. A good GP might be able to suggest a specific psych or counsellor they know. They also might know the right questions to ask to help you find a person who will support YOU.

Depending on state there are a few women's groups you could try. The Victorian woman's guild, nsw women's guild, fair go for qld women. All rad-fem pages for grassroots groups.

Some great advice on this thread. Hope that you find someone helpful OP.

I would suggest Petra Beuskens. She is a psychotherapist and I believe she is GC. www.facebook.com/petra.bueskens If she can't help, I expect she will know of others.