Women only, can you help me out ? Crisis/mental health

[JanesKettle]

I don't think I can continue to tolerate the gender issue in my home anymore.

We just came home from the Dr (two of my kids ID as trans) and I felt a strong drive to self harm. My mother verbally and emotionally abused me as a teen, and I self harmed as a reaction to that then, but haven't really felt it since.

I WILL, of course, tolerate it, because that's my job as a parent, and I WON'T self-harm, because I've got the skills to get through tonight, but I feel like I am cracking up under it all. I don't feel like there are any safe social spaces in my life to discuss my crack up though; because it is related to ROGD and not some other issue.

I feel like I should go and see someone, but I don't trust any counsellors or psychologists with this issue. I've tried to find someone rad fem before, but no luck, as rad fem women are pretty much the only ones I feel I can trust to speak honestly.

I feel stabbed and broken. My son is not my daughter, my daughter is not my son. There is no-one to whom I can say 'this is not what I wanted for my daughter. This is not what I wanted for my son.' My son wants to get rid of his name....I am supposed to be happy about that, but I just feel endless grief and anger.

Can you help me brainstorm how I can get me through ? I wondered if it would be safe to see a Catholic counsellor ? Would they be less likely to shame and minimise my experience re ROGD ? I'm not in the UK, so general suggestions would be very welcome. I mean, I'm an ex-Catholic atheist, but maybe they could help? Can anyone think of a group besides rad fems who would be safe on this issue ?

I tried a ROGD forum, but it just made me so sad when other people's children desisted - happy for them, happy for their children, terrified for mine.

I am just broken and I need some help to get up and put myself back together right now.

Another vote for a woman over 40 with a Jungian background as a starting point. I know someone in the UK who would fit the bill perfectly, does therapy and is a lion on this issue but this person is so deep in the system I'd hardly dare tell anyone her name! But I'd have hope. My own therapist is equally bracing on this front. There is more support out there than you fear.

JanesKettle

The PPs have given more information that I can begin to give you (I'm in the US).

I just wanted to tell you...

Supporting your children through this when you are opposed (I agree with you btw) sounds beyond difficult.

I want you to know that even though we are worlds apart my heart aches for you. You will be on my mind all day.

Please do take care of yourself, you deserve to find peace and happiness.

Sorry I have nothing constructive to offer beyond love. I send you my positive energy and hope that you are able to find a professional that will center you.

OP Holly Lawford Smith is a GC feminist in Melbourne - I wonder if she might have a name or two?

I believe in Aus if you explain how serious your mental health is to your GP, you can have six sessions with a psyche on Medicare. Your GP might have ideas on who best to refer you to.

Hang in there OP, keep us posted

(Not suggesting you know Holly but if you’re on Twitter or something, I mean) 💜💚

I have experience both in seeing a GC therapist and in having a GC therapist in the family. From them I gather several things:

It is really normal to ask questions of a therapist before working with them. Or to have initial session to ask these questions.

Lots of therapists are GC but their accrediting organisations (in UK at least) are not, so they are fearful to speak out in case they get struck off. I would be mindful of this when asking questions, as they may think you are trying to trap them. I maybe would ask feeler questions that relate back to your life experiences rather than straight up "are you GC?"

I agree that an older woman might be a safer bet. I disagree about Catholicism being an especially protective factor - some adherents of trans ideology I have come across have also been religious or have swapped one religion for believing in genderism. I would look for several years of experience and also its useful to know that psychotherapists have a more in depth training, including doing a lot of their own therapy, so they should know themselves and their own issues. (Of course you can get great counsellors and rubbish psychotherapists).

Therapists have to do a lot of CPD to keep their accreditation and of course lots of trans lobbying organisations provide CPD to therapists. One safe way to approach your dilemma might be to do it in reverse - pretend you want a therapist that buys into trans ideology and don't choose the ones that do?

Look at how the therapist advertises themselves. A GC therapist is not going to say they are one. But a therapist who fully buys onto gender theory is probably going to proudly publicise all the gender training they have done. After all trans kids are a growing market and they will want to be seen as progressive.

SOrry if this isn't much help OP, I really feel for you. My kid is only gender non conforming, they have not (yet?) been swallowed by all this. But I am terrified for them. I can't imagine what it must be like to have 2 and be so deep in it. Wishing you so much luck in your quest for self care.

99.99% of the population don't believe that people can change sex (I have no statistics to back that up - but I would be amazed if I was wrong).

I know that there is a lot of rhetoric about this - but I would be amazed if it was hard to find a therapist who understood your issues and views. I would be more amazed if you couldn't tbh.

It takes a while to find a therapist that suits you regardless of the issues. I'd just have some initial sessions and see who suits. I wouldn't let the fear of it being an issue put you off trying to find someone. I think that you may be making more out of it than you will find it to be in reality.

Good luck. Sounds v tough.

I didn’t see your tag @JanesKettle but have pm’d you.
As counsellors, personal belief should not come into it or they’re in the wrong line of work, and all should be open to being asked questions prior to working together etc.

I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through JanesKettle and I hope you are doing ok today. It sounds like a nightmare.

I think finding the right counsellor and someone gender critical is a really good idea and also understand that it is a challenge. I read about another woman in a similar position to you who also found it difficult to find a counsellor. She is Christian and found the best support within her Christian community and also with gender critical/radical feminists.

I think others have given good advice about what kind of counsellor to try so definitely look into those ideas. I'm not sure if it helps but I had a similar difficulty when I was looking for the right counsellor. I experienced an abusive relationship with a man who had all the traits of being a psychopath and desperately needed a counsellor who understood psychopathy and cluster B personality disorders or at least the dynamics of domestic abuse. A surprisingly large number of them had no understanding of these issues whatsoever and were unhelpful, one even saying she didn't believe me. However, I kept going and it took me 8 counsellors before I eventually found a brilliant one who totally got it.

So basically, keep going. You know what kind of counsellor you need and they are out there. Don't accept someone who doesn't get it. I sincerely hope you get the support you need, sending you hugs and strength.

Thanks everyone who posted after I'd gone to bed. I feel a lot better today, and able to properly read and absorb advice about looking for a professional who can support me, as opposed to the other professionals in our lives who are (rightly) concerned with supporting the kids.

I'm also able to see that taking my son to see his psych is a huge trigger for me, and so if I'm unable to avoid it (yes, he should be able to go himself but can't at this time for a few reasons) I can plan ahead to cope with it and manage my own emotions.

Thank you for helping me through a really tough evening.

Hang in there, I can hardly imagine how hard this is. You are so right to seek care for yourself - it’s draining when you are always the carer, driver, organiser

I hope you find something soon (and while we can’t match up to professional care, we’re here for you, anytime you need us).

Sorry I can't help with the practical stuff, but just wanted to say that I think you are doing an incredible job in trying so hard to guide your kids, protect them and still be there for them through such a difficult situation.

It's completely normal to feel overwhelmed and sad and yes, to be grieving.

I do think counselling can be helpful even if you find it difficult. I had six sessions with a grief counsellor and didn't warm to her or enjoy the experience ("enjoy" is the wrong word but I hope you know what I mean). But she did help. Which I only realised much later. She clearly knew how to help me even if I didn't see it at the time.

But if I had to do this again, I would ask a lot of questions of the counsellor beforehand. I think it is less immediately stress- and painful if you find the right fit for you.

I hope you do find someone soon who can help you through all of this. Look after yourself, be selfish even if you need to. Sometimes we need to focus on self-care to make sure we can keep on caring for others.

I can’t offer any more advice but I did want to send a massive hug and to let you know that I’m thinking of you. What a dreadful thing to have to navigate. Hope you find the help you need

Good luck JanesKettle .

And THanks to @Justpoppingintohelp for mentioning Petra Bueskens. I've gone to her FB page and clicked through to her essay in Areo magazine - it's terrific!

areomagazine.com/2019/07/10/wollstonecrafts-dilemma-identity-politics-and-feminism/?fbclid=IwAR28Xwx1zjcqyjY5NBk6c7NfuGM36sbDCjESrjSbsMNTws69QIT5FlwSI-I

And a huge unMumsnetty hug from me too.

I happened to bump into a forum that sounds like it might (might) be useful: gendercriticalresources.com/Support/forumdisplay.php?fid=24

You do need to register to post but I don't think you have to provide any identifying information. You could ask the way-too-many people who sound like they're in the same boat whether they've come across anyone useful in your specific area.

No advice but love and hugs to you OP 💐💐