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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

Are you abducting these children madam?

92 replies

Victoriapestis01 · 21/07/2019 12:43

Well, holiday season is here again, so I’m bracing myself for questioning from airport staff about why my children (or at least, those of them I’m taking on holiday with me) have a different surname from me.

I do appreciate that airports need to take child abduction very seriously. Also that in our society most mothers do have the same surname as their children. But I also feel very irritated by the assumption that I would change my birth surname to a male partner’s surname, or keep my ex partner’s surname. Do others feel the same? Is this a feminist issue, or just an inevitable aspect of life?

One time, I was kept in a room at the airport until the staff had contacted my then FIL who fortunately was picking me up at the airport! He had to vouch for me.......I was a woman on the loose with children and no man.... ...clearly a menace.

OP posts:

Manclife1 · 21/07/2019 12:44

do you not think it’s likely to be worse for a bloke taking children under a different name?

TinselAngel · 21/07/2019 12:49

Whataboutery coming very quick off the mark there.

MIdgebabe · 21/07/2019 12:50

Take copies of key paperwork Eg birth certificate/divorce certificate whatever helps show the trail

CarolDanvers · 21/07/2019 12:51

do you not think it’s likely to be worse for a bloke taking children under a different name?

No I don't.

Why would it be?

GallopingGreen · 21/07/2019 12:52

I get this as travel sometimes with my parents (week in Marbella type of thing) and my two children who have my husband's surname. They guards have suggested I travel with a letter from my husband permitting me to travel
This is all western EU too ...

SleepingStandingUp · 21/07/2019 12:53

@Manclife1 has a point tho. I suspect men alone with kids with different names are treated with much more suspicion than women, meaning it isn't a feminist issue

Beamur · 21/07/2019 12:54

It's an issue likely to affect any parent who has a different name to their children - but I would have thought it affects women more than men.
So, yes, I think it is a feminist issue.
On a practical level, having been married a while, I've decided to finally change my name on my passport to avoid this.
I find the surname/Miss/Mrs thing to be a highly feminist issue myself. It rilesme that DH has been single/married/divorced/remarried and had to make no change whatsoever to his name, yet his ex wife and I have...

LassOfFyvie · 21/07/2019 12:55

When did this become a thing? I regularly travelled with my son on my own from 1997 (when he was 7) and was never challenged. We don't have the same surname.

Roomba · 21/07/2019 12:56

I must have been lucky as the most I've ever had is someone asking me 'And you're... Mum?' as I presented mine and baby DS's passport. Every time I take along a letter from my ex confirming he's aware I'm taking them abroad, but no one has ever asked if I had a letter let alone looked at it.

Skyejuly · 21/07/2019 12:57

I have 4 children...3 different surnames. Its always a worry.

anothernotherone · 21/07/2019 13:03

This happens to one parent traveling with children without the other parent even when you have the same surname.

I used to have a different surname and nationality on my passport to my children, and now both are the same, but I've actually only been questioned recently, when surnames and nationality are all the same. I'm not sure if things have tightened up, or whether it's the children's ages - perhaps it's more obvious that 3 very small children must belong with the person they're with from their body language, or nobody would be mad enough to solo kidnap 3 preschoolers and fly with them... I think it's probably random though - the checks happen when the passport control queue is quiet

I travel a lot assole adult with my kids but DH has never flown alone with them, so I have no personal annecdotes about him being questioned or not being questioned. Either parent travelling solo with kids is meant to carry a copy of the other parent's passport and a signed letter of permission though.

It may be a feminist issue, but it isn't a different surname issue.

SittingAround1 · 21/07/2019 13:03

I've been advised to carry a copy of DC birth certificates to avoid this problem.

My DH has problems when travelling without his family as he's a bit dark and foreign looking.

I think it's ok they check, child trafficking is awful.

1984isHappeningNow · 21/07/2019 13:03

I have never been stopped dispite different name to my children on passport but DH who has the same name has!

He was taken to a small room with eldest DD and they couldn't get hold of me as I was in a meeting. Over an hour later they contacted her nursery and they confirmed to the Dutch Boarder officers that they knew she was travelling with her father with permission.

So I don't think it's just a feminist issue.

KennDodd · 21/07/2019 13:07

I think the fact you have a different last name to you children is also a feminist issue. Why is their name different to yours?

Herocomplex · 21/07/2019 13:10

The letter from the father doesn’t permit the mother to travel. It permits the children to travel with the accompanying adult.
I’m very glad that border staff ask questions about the welfare of children. Children being removed from the country against the wishes of the non accompanying parent is unfortunately common.

Herocomplex · 21/07/2019 13:12

And what KennDodd said.

anothernotherone · 21/07/2019 13:12

I have never been kept in a room though, only questioned at the desk. Once ds1 was instructed by the passport control officer to go back through the very small queue and get DH's ID card and tell DH to wave - he'd driven us to the airport to save paying for parking and hung around to wave us off... However I think the officer was bored and enjoying a tiny power trip - I got the sense it wasn't wholey serious

We've only been questioned leaving Germany, where we live - the UK never bothered either when baby dd1 and 1 both had British passports with different surnames nor when I had a British passport in my birth name and my kids had German passports with DH's surname.

We're all on German passports with the same surname now and I've only been checked in the last couple of years, and only when leaving Germany.

Beamur · 21/07/2019 13:14

I think the reasons behind asking these questions is well worth the inconvenience they may temporarily cause.

dementedpixie · 21/07/2019 13:14

Strictly speaking you're supposed to have permission from all those with parental responsibility whether the surname is the same or different

Chickenish · 21/07/2019 13:15

Ach, who can remember when the children just travelled on the mother’s passport, whatever surname?

Somersetlady · 21/07/2019 13:17

Absolutely not a feminist issue. Unmarried men have exactly the same problem when taking children abroad.

It’s not a hardship really once it’s happened once to you it’s a simple solution to pack the children's birth certificates and never have the issue again ime.

dementedpixie · 21/07/2019 13:17

www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

Somersetlady · 21/07/2019 13:19

I think i might get flagged more often as my children have a different country of issue on their passport to me.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 21/07/2019 13:19

I think children should have their mother's name.
As annoying as it is, it's worth that annoyance if it prevents any child from being trafficked or abducted from the parent who has custody.

Herocomplex · 21/07/2019 13:19

Yes Chickenish! Until the french border official told me not to try to enter the country again until DC had separate passport. 😬

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