Are you abducting these children madam?

[Victoriapestis01]

Well, holiday season is here again, so I’m bracing myself for questioning from airport staff about why my children (or at least, those of them I’m taking on holiday with me) have a different surname from me.

I do appreciate that airports need to take child abduction very seriously. Also that in our society most mothers do have the same surname as their children. But I also feel very irritated by the assumption that I would change my birth surname to a male partner’s surname, or keep my ex partner’s surname. Do others feel the same? Is this a feminist issue, or just an inevitable aspect of life?

One time, I was kept in a room at the airport until the staff had contacted my then FIL who fortunately was picking me up at the airport! He had to vouch for me.......I was a woman on the loose with children and no man.... ...clearly a menace.

The border staff ask, and then have no idea what they're looking at. I think it's basic courtesy that if you ask for evidence, you know what that evidence is likely to look like.

True. And basic training of staff, actually. But it works both ways. How do I know what a police badge, or gas meter ID, or Big Issue lanyard for that matter, looks like? I don’t. People could wave a jelly donut in my face and I’d probably think “uh, okay.”

Once had the FBI on my doorstep, waving badges. Didn’t have a clue how valid they were based on the ID presented.

Interesting responses!

Like a couple of other posters, I kept my surname but gave kids my former partner’s. To be honest, my family name is mine, and I wouldn’t want to change it, it is who I am, but I wanted a fresh start for my own kids. My birth family is pretty dysfunctional.

I will look out birth certificates. Preventing abduction has to be a priority after all, so many have suffered horribly through it.

The name thing is a red herring.
I have been stopped and asked, and gave the same surname as the kids.
It is getting stricter tho. I now carry a copy of DHs passport and letter of permission (but then I travel to and from a country I really wouldn't want to piss off)

My elder 2 children have travelled with their uncle (same surname) a number of t8mes. I have always provided.

DH and I have each flown separately with theDC no issues.

In fact one summer BIL and I were each away without our spouses, decided to take a day from Spain to Morocco, suddenly realised (at the border ) that neither of us had a letter from our spouse to take the children to another continent.

Fortunately we all share a surname so just put all passports together and said nothing.

The last time I travelled alone with my daughter I had a authorization letter from my husband. No one asked for it when we were leaving the country, but detained me when returned home until I found it in my luggage. Who abducts their children back into their home country ?

^You automatically have parental responsibility if you’re the child’s mother, but you still need the permission of anyone else with parental responsibility before you take the child abroad.

You can take a child abroad for 28 days without getting permission if a child arrangement order says the child must live with you, unless a court order says you can’t.
Get permission from someone with parental responsibility
A letter from the person with parental responsibility for the child is usually enough to show you’ve got permission to take them abroad.

You might be asked for the letter at a UK or foreign border, or if there’s a dispute about taking a child abroad. The letter should include the other person’s contact details and details about the trip.

It also helps if you’ve:

evidence of your relationship with the child, eg a birth or adoption certificate
a divorce or marriage certificate, if you are a single parent but your family name is different from the child’s^

So, a letter. That shouldn’t be difficult to forge.

And “contact details.” A postal address counts, right?

Anyone planning to abduct a child could easily think this through and go as far as to have a burn phone with a recorded answering message with any male (or female) voice to verify the “identity” of the other parent. “Oh, he’s probably in the plane now, that’s why we’re having a nice break while he’s gone.”

It’s a very bad system altogether. Does zilch to protect children.

I took my husband’s surname because I didn’t love my own (plus it was my father’s, not necessarily mine), it greases the social and admin wheels (I know, weak but true, I’d hate the faff of explaining), and—I suppose—I’d always grown up with an unspoken expectation to do so. But really it can down to avoidance of admin.

I can’t care much about it now

Exactly. I am the only person who can legally remove my children from the jurisdiction. I can prove that.

I'm not quite sure how I'd prove I'm the only one with parental responsibility, how do you prove something doesn't exist?!

Birth cert with only you on?

DH and I always carry a letter of permission from the other parent and adoption certs when we travel with the DC. I very rarely get asked for a letter of permission but almost always have to show adoption certs. To be fair we probably do look a bit suspicious, the DC have a different nationality to me and a mix of ethnicities so they look different from me and from each other.

I always have a copy of a letter from DH and a photocopy of DHs passport when I travel to and from Italy with DS. We share a half a surname but have different nationality passports which might look a bit dodgy. No one has ever asked to see it.

OTOH my friend in her 20s once wasn't allowed to take her 13 year old half sister (different surnames) back to England from Italy. I was surprised at that as a 13 year old is obviously is obviously going to be able to explain, yes this is my sister, no she's not kidnapping me.

I don't think its a gender issue, its maybe a surname issue and maybe a 'it depends who happens to be the gate officer that day' issue.

Oh, and different surnames. The DC have DH’s middle name as a surname and I have my own surname.

My children been questioned when they’ve been with me & my husband. We all have the same surname & were coming back into the UK. They asked DS when my birthday & he got it wrong. He was about 12!

Birth cert with only you on?

No, her dad is on the birth cert, but when she was born the man only got parental responsibility if you were married unless you applied to the courts afterwards, which he never did. The law changed shortly afterwards.

I think it is a feminist issue, because it's more likely to be women traveling with children who are affected by this, and unable to travel or dissuaded from travelling because of absent or abusive exes.

I gave my kids their dads last name, I have a different name as we aren’t married etc. I don’t like my name much but more so I hate too many people in my family with that name. My partners name is much nicer for that reason.

DH does not share a surname with our child. He has never traveled on a plane solo with her. I imagine they might get some pushback. She alwAys goes with me through security because I have a special status that gets me through faster and he does not, so we have to take separate lines. Even with my situation and dd sharing my last name, she always gets quizzed to confirm I am her parent. This is for domestic travel Within the United States.

MagneticSingularity and LaurieFairyCake it isn't though, because people with the same surname as their children also get challenged/ questioned/ their children are questioned.

The surname issue is a red herring.

It's purely solo parent travelling with children. It's fairly random, the same parent/ children combination goes straight through one flight, gets questioned another time, though some countries are far more inclined to check than the UK.

I've been questioned purely due to surname. The officer said it was due to different surnames. Other times it's been generic, but it appears to be on the whim of whoever, rather than a system, especially uk border force.