"maintenence shag"

[DuploTower]

This was a couple of weeks ago, but it has since been rolling around in my head. Listening to late night woman's hour (I think) they were discussing "maintenence shags" sex you have, when you don't really fancy it, but have to do for the sake of the relationship.

This bothers me a bit. But maybe there's nothing wrong with a maintenence shag?

Is there?

Done that before, it’s crap. I wouldn’t advice anyone to do that.
I’ve its also the sign that the relationship is on it’s last leg and not worth fighting for anymore

I don't know.

I go through phases where I'm not very interested in sex, usually related to having a small baby/breastfeeding etc so nothing to do with the state of our relationship. And sometimes I'll still initiate sex, because I know my husband will enjoy it. He has never even remotely put pressure on me to have sex, I only ever have to say I don't feel like it and it's immediately off the table, so I have that security and sense of safety there which I think makes it easier for me than if I felt I had to do it to avoid resentment.

I don't think anyone should ever feel obliged to do this, but I think lots of women do it. The idea that not being physically interested in sex at all times means your relationship is "on its last leg" is, frankly, nonsense, and suggests somebody who has no experience of LTRs or of having young children.

I don't think anyone should have sex they really don't want to have but I still think the term has merit.

As adult says sometimes you're not feeling initially very sexy in some life stages, but you make time for sex and make the effort because you value the sexual connection with your partner. I've certainly initiated when I wasn't initially gagging for it but wanted to make sure we kept that connection alive and got into it and enjoyed it quite quickly, even though I could have just gone "eh, not in the mood". I suppose you could consider those as initially "maintenance shags" although they turned into plain old enjoyable shags.

I think sex, desire and a long-term couples sexual life are more complicated and mutable than you want it/you don't.

Sounds grim. Hard pass.

I dunno, I start it sometimes in the same spirit of 'you'll enjoy it when you get going' that I use for long dog walks and bike rides.

What passes for foreplay after 20 years --
'Everyone's out - shall we?'
'Oh go on then, we could see what happens.'

I think if you want a happy, healthy sex life in a long term relationship then sometimes you have to make the effort.

Tails

I used to do this, it just made me feel very very sad. I actually had a decent libido, the nagging and pestering for more within hours of having sex just revolted me to the point I couldn't stand my ex touching me. No one should feel they have to do 'maintenance shags', if you're not in the mood you shouldn't feel obliged to try and get into it because it's what your partner wants. I personally wouldn't want to have sex with someone who was forcing themselves, and I'm not convinced these men can't tell when their partners are faking enthusiasm, I think a lot of men just don't really care if their partner is into it as long as they are satisfied.

I'm a bit on the fence as on one hand I absolutely agree that unless both parties are equally up for it then it feels wrong. On the other I know personally since hitting peri menopause my libido has very quiet, shall we say, months periods whilst DH would happily do it most days. He would never pressure me into it but sometimes I do it or initiate as I know it's important to him. I also find the connection from being intimate really important not just the sex itself if that makes sense? I have a feeling it doesn't

I think it’s important to make the effort sometimes. I can go through long spells where by libido goes out the window. Making the effort on occasion has brought it back though, and it’s just actually getting into it that has reminded me, oh yeah, you do like sex.

When it’s not alright is when you get pestered. There’s no bigger turn off than being moaned at, guilt tripped and coerced into having sex done to you. My ex did this all the time and it made me feel so dirty. Personally I wouldn’t dream of pestering my DP into sex, partially because I know how awful it is, but also because I wouldn’t find it arousing if she wasn’t into it. I have at times called a stop to proceedings because I’ve sensed she wasn’t enjoying it, likewise I’ve tried to get in the mood and it hasn’t happened so I’ve said stop.

I think as long as your relationship is one where no is respected, and both partners are in tune with the other then maintenance sex can be quite good and necessary. When it’s one partner pushing the other into it and ignoring their feelings however then that’s not only terrible sex, it’s a shitty relationship.

I think it can be good, and necessary, and I doubt it's just female thing either.

The thing is we should be able to get the intimacy you have with sex through other ways too. Saying that 'you have to make an effort to keep the connexion alive' aka having sex even if you dont feel like it is a dangerous game.
For one, it says to women who have very good reason not to want to shag their H, that if the relationship fails if it will be THEIR fault because they didnt say YES (or have sex whenever said partner wants)
It also says that the only way to get intimacy is through sex. I dont think thats true. I acually think that wo intimacy first, you dont get great sex. And its the intimacy that keeps the relationhsip going. Not the sex. Having good sex is a good way to express that intimacy. But it shoudnt be used as a way to replace any other form of intimacy iyswim.
Finally, it also works on the proviso that no relationhsip is possible wo sex. Now Im not saying that a no sex relationhsi is what we shoud aim for. But over a life time, sex drive will go in ebbs and flow for various reasons. It is often the women who is 'going off sex' because ... ah yes children and being the one to carry all the burden of family life on their shoulders. Basically the issue is the fact they 'do it all' but instead of looking at the root cause (not enough involvement of the man with housework etc etc), we say that women should have sex anyway, making THEM responsible once again.
Im sure very few women would expect their husband to have sex a few weeks afer a major abdominal surgery. or throughout a chronic illness. But somehow, its normal for men to expect sex soon afer birth or when the woman is exhausted from night waking etc... because 'otherwise' the realtionhsip will suffer. Once again, its making women and not men responsible (to keep relationhsip alive, to do it all etc...)

I don't think it means the relationship is dead at all. IME it's normal for lust in LTR to wax and wane. Sometimes I fancy the pants off DH and sometimes I have zero libido. But I find the longer we don't do it for, the less I want to. If I make an effort to do it more often, the more I want to. That's the case at the moment - we're doing it 4-5 times a week at the moment. But there have been phases it's been more like twice a month.

I doubt it's just female thing either.

Its vey different for men.
For one, if they have libido/erection problem, its considered a health issue and they are given viagra and the like. Women are told they re just frigid.
Second the pressure is completely diferent. Sure some women would love to have more sex and their H cant bring it up/doesnt want to. But the reaction is totally different and to learn to accept it as he is their H and they love thim.
Sex from women is expected. it is a due rather than something you have to work towards.

I don't like the phrase as it implies sex is a chore. Sex is very important in a relationship for me, and I would not stay in a sexless relationship, nor would I put up with a 'maintenance shag' from a man.

I think a lot of people must ignore their lack of sexual compatibility at the start of a relationship, which leads to loss of libido and resentment down the line, and maintenance shags. Ugh.

There's a big difference between a woman providing a "maintenance shag" because she wants to (in my case usually it's a "maintenance BJ" bc it's quicker) and a woman providing a shag she doesn't really want because she feels pressured into sex.

I think the term refers to something that's initiated by the person doing the maintenance shagging, not insisted upon by the person receiving it.

So with that mind, there's nothing wrong with it.

ComeandDance I think you've made some good points and in relationships you're describing thie sex issue is unlikely to be the only red flag that something is wrong. For me and DH though, where I'd describe our relationship as normal, I think the connection I get from sex is one we can't get in other ways.

Told you, splinters up my arse

I suppose with "maintenance shags" then you get into the realm of fake orgasms...
which is somewhat of a feminist issue.

DpW you can still feel pressure into proposing a maintenance shag though....

A maintenance shag is not a sign that the relationship is on its last legs. What a ridiculous comment. I'd ask if you are young and immature but that's insulting to younger people.

Dh and I would have sex one afternoon on the weekend whether we wanted to or not when the children were really small. Some days it didn't happen and we'd take the time to lie in bed and chat and cuddle which was just as lovely as sex. Still married many years later.

I'd ask if you are young and immature but that's insulting to younger people

haha. Nope im 50s and have had the experience of giving too many maintenance shags that I didnt want. All the name of 'saving the relationship' and 'he will just leave and that will be your fault'.
Believe me, forcig yourself to have a shag bevause thts what you are suppose to do is soul destroying.
Its maintenance shags that have made everything worse tbh.

I think this happens in most relationships that last a long time, the idea that it related to "last egs" is simply untrue.. There's a period in my marriage my husband calls the "Seven Year Drought" when I was breastfeeding babies, my libido was pretty flat. I struggled to have sex even occasionally but I know he found it really difficult, he's very tactile, he was sad, he was young enough to find it physically uncomfortable, he wondered if I wasn't attracted to him (he asked me once if I wanted him to lose weight.) And although he knew this sort of thing happened, I remember very clearly when it stopped when my menstrual cycle kicked in again after my son was born, he was so, so, relieved, I think he couldn't help but worry that maybe I just didn't love or fancy him any more. That was ten years ago and now we have a pretty strong marriage and things work quite smoothly most of the time. Getting through the difficult periods is what allowed that to happen.

So yeah, sometimes having sex anyway was important. And no, I don't think you have to have sex to have a good marriage, but I think that also really needs to be something you work out together. It's not generally reasonable to demand a celibate marriage any more than it is to demand sex in a marriage. Sometimes circumstances dictate, but marriages work on the basis of wanting what is good for your partner and the relationship as a whole, and trust. Does that make the people in them vulnerable? Absolutely. But there really isn't any other way.

I dunno, I start it sometimes in the same spirit of 'you'll enjoy it when you get going' that I use for long dog walks and bike rides

What passes for foreplay after 20 years --
'Everyone's out - shall we?'
'Oh go on then, we could see what happens.'

sounds like our house (only without the long dog walks - our greyhounds are too lazy - quick sprint round the park and back to bed).

I think the phrasing ‘maintenance shag’ is pretty grim, but the reality is less so, as long as the relationship is healthy and loving.

Another thought.

it is not unusual for women to be told 'to just get on with it' re sex. maybe its because they dont fancy it, theyve had a baby and they are exhausted etc etc. or like on this thread, have a maintenance shag to get the relationship going.

Now how often have you heard a man been told 'to just get on with it, get down on his partner/use hand/toys' so SHE has an orgasm even if he doesnt/doesnt want to??? Because I haven't.
The answer would be that if he cant bring it up then he cant. The assumption been that there will ne sex wo him ejaculating/having an orgasm.
On the other side, many women have sex wo orgasm on a regular basis. and it is assumed that women CAN have sex even if they dont feel like it because they are a receptable (physically) vs a man who has an 'active' role (he needs to get hard first).

The bottom line is about boundaries. And yes in the feminism section, its more likely that women will make an effort but its within a good relatinhsip etc... so not an issue.
I believe it is a massive issue to perpetuate the idea that women HAVE TO make an effort when we dont expect that from men (hell we dont expect them to give us an orgasm each time we have sex!). Because it blurs boundaries for women who already are vulnerable and feel like they 'ought to' (nice left over from the idea that a husband could never rape his wife etc...).
A maintenance shag can only exist within certain boundaries to still be acceptable. A general statement saying that a maintenance shag is a normal thing to do FOR WOMEN is an issue.

Pesonally, until said men arent able and expected to reciprocate then its a dangerous zone for women in general.

What you are all talking about are respectful relationhsip though.
If you go onto the relationship threads or AIBU, youll see that its not he case for many many women.