"maintenence shag"

[DuploTower]

This was a couple of weeks ago, but it has since been rolling around in my head. Listening to late night woman's hour (I think) they were discussing "maintenence shags" sex you have, when you don't really fancy it, but have to do for the sake of the relationship.

This bothers me a bit. But maybe there's nothing wrong with a maintenence shag?

Is there?

I have to say, I’m wondering, for the posters who say they’ve had maintenance shags etc...

• How often has your partner had a maintenance shag with you vs you for them?

• How would you feel if your DH/DP was telling you they had sex with you just to keep you happy but actually they didn’t feel like doing it?

• Have you ever said to your DH/DP this was a maintenance shag and did they say?

@Lamaha
Having sex is very different from going in an airplane though. There is a vulnerability and an intimacy you will never have in other circumstances. Which is why you just can’t compare having sex with a lot of other things we do for the people we love.

I have to say, I’m wondering, for the posters who say they’ve had maintenance shags etc...

- How often has your partner had a maintenance shag with you vs you for them?

- How would you feel if your DH/DP was telling you they had sex with you just to keep you happy but actually they didn’t feel like doing it?

- Have you ever said to your DH/DP this was a maintenance shag and did they say?

Well, since you asked:

1. how would I know? Or he know? The only difference to any other shag would be whether I was into it from minute 1, or save minute 5, of foreplay. I don't know if DH ever sometimes hasn't felt totally like it but gave it a chance, nor do I feel I need to know. If he has, I consider that a gift and a good sign that we are equally invested in nurturing a sexual connection that I know we both value.

2. see above, but also: I have never had sex I really wasn't into. The "long bike ride" analogy is perfect. If DH initiates, I give it a chance despite not really feeling it, and after 5 minutes I'm still not really feeling it, I say so and we stop. Same for him. I don't believe either of us has ever had sex we weren't really into.

3. no, why would I? Because as I've said above, it's just a shag. A shag that I gave the chance to and it caught fire.

I think you're seeing this as far too binary. Sex stokes desire and desire can shift quickly. There is a spectrum between initiating sex because you want it bad right now and initiating sex you don't really want to placate a man/stop nagging/whatever. I'm as against the latter as anyone, I've never had that kind of sex, and I'd consider it a bad sign for a relationship.

Having sex is very different from going in an airplane though. There is a vulnerability and an intimacy you will never have in other circumstances. Which is why you just can’t compare having sex with a lot of other things we do for the people we love.

But it was my choice.
And I think facing the possibility of crashing from the sky is a HUGE thing to overcome for love! I know they are not directly comparable, but I would say putting aside one's feelings for a few minutes is actually less a thing to overcome than the fear of flying!
I fly frequently, but even I now and then think about it -- that planes do crash, and you just never know.
At least there is no risk of death in a ms! And it wasn't all that often anyway.

It really depends what you mean by maintenance shags doesn't it? Could be something pretty abusive really. Could be something perfectly fine.

Fwiw, DH and I have discussed this before and are both of the view that sometimes we might have sex because we think it's a good idea rather than being specifically horny. We both just feel better and are happier with each other and people around us.

So for example if it's been more than a week or so, assuming no illness, childbirth etc, one of us is likely to suggest it just because we both find our mood and concentration is better if we don't leave it any longer than that. There are often times when it's been maybe 7 or 8 days and I'm jumpy or not as relaxed, and I realise I could do with having sex, even if I'm not actually particularly thinking I want it. Yeah, you can always sort yourself out, and he does sometimes, but it's not as satisfying. We find the benefits of regular sex outweigh any disadvantage of eg being tired, wanting to watch they telly instead or whatever, and I have never not got into the mood and enjoyed a 'maintenance' shag even if I cba at the beginning. Pretty sure the same is true of him! It's a caring thing for the other one but also self-interest because it ultimately benefits both.

That said, we don't define sex as just PIV and it isn't over until we've both orgasmed. So there's that. And neither of us has ever had a medical condition that prevented sex for more than a few days, other than childbirth.

I definitely do maintenance shagging 😔

I have 3 small children, run my own business, am going through a very stressful house move, suffer from anxiety, am permanently exhausted and all I want to do in bed is sleep

But if we don't do it regularly it really takes a toll on the relationship

I do still love and fancy dh but we've been together 11 years, it isn't like the early days where you're constantly horny is it

It was as if I'd outgrown it and the whole thing just felt ridiculous to me.

There was a while where I found it actually kind of gross. It's funny really, looking at it objectively, it just goes to show how influenced we are by hormones. Lots of people go around interested in sex most of the time, can't get it off their minds. But one little hormone shift and the whole thing looks silly or like a very unsanitary exchange of bodily fluids.
I have to say I am glad it stopped seeming yucky. I don't mind indifferent so much, but not yucky.

I know my husband has had sex when he wasn't really so keen. And it hasn't always resuted in an orgasm. Of course if he's really really not keen it might be impossible but that isn't his fault.

People get taken advantage of, including in sexual relationships, all the time. There is no way to make it so that can't happen without destroying the possibility of an actual relationship.

There was a while where I found it actually kind of gross. It's funny really, looking at it objectively, it just goes to show how influenced we are by hormones. Lots of people go around interested in sex most of the time, can't get it off their minds. But one little hormone shift and the whole thing looks silly or like a very unsanitary exchange of bodily fluids.

I used to think, what would sex look like to an alien from a distant planet? And I had to laugh my head off. Once you remove the internal "neediness", it just seems silly and a bit yucky. I was able to overcome the "yuckiness" part of it but it still seems silly to me; though I understand what it's like for younger women.

But I hear of so many older women going off sex completely (yes, I know that many don't!) and worrying about it so much and thinking they have a disorder and need to get their libido back. I just want to tell them no, it's not a disorder. It's one path we can take and it's perfectly valid in its own right. (And it's really nice not to want/need a man!)

The main problem truly is having a partner you love who still has the need. Either you set him free, or you try to help him. Neither is a very satisfactory solution. But that's life, isn't it. It's never perfect.

Men worry that going off sex is a kind of disorder as well, that may be one thing where there is almost more pressure for them as it is so tied to their sense of manliness. It's an area where it might be very helpful if there was more of a cultural narrative that supports an idea of older people taking a different path if their bodies nudge them in that direction. Instead we work pretty hard to medicalise natural ageing and instil this psychological need to remain young and virile and sexually active.

You should read Sheila Jeffreys' book Anti Climax. I'm pretty sure she covers maintenance shagging.

@Lamaha I think that too 😂

I remember when I was younger thinking it must look sexy and beautiful like in the movies 🤦🏻‍♀️ erm no

...and that is why, when children first learn about what really happens, their first instinctive reaction is eeerrrgh!!!! yuck yuck!! And no matter how often you tell them "oh but it's so beautiful,", they don't believe it!

@Lamaha yes that's true 😂😂