Expectations of mothers includes financial abuse?

[clairemcnam]

We all know that mothers do much more than their fair share of housework, childcare and cooking than fathers in the vast majority of relationships. But there also seems to be an increasing expectation that as well as this, mothers should be contributing 50% of the family costs. Given that mothers are on average paid less than fathers, this means that mothers are being expected to contribute financially a larger proportion of their earnings to the family pot than fathers.

So mothers are now being expected increasingly to contribute more than 50% to raising a child on all fronts.

its fucking disgusting.

@nettie434

IME the sexism i have encountered has mostly been from men my own age or younger. Older men................nope.

DH is 70 next birthday and we have never had a problem even remotely like the ones on this thread. I have had a couple of convos like this with another MNer Graphista on other threads and she has found similar.

I always find it quite surprising when I hear that mothers are paying for all the childcare costs out of their wages, rather than it being a shared expense with their other half.

HelenaDove I wonder if the older generation still have the mindset of being the provider, from a time when married women couldn't work, and men earned enough to raise a family.
Decent men understood that as a responsibility that comes with privilege, not a burden to carry with resentment.

theinebriati you see to me, everything about that mindset is sexism. Men providing, women staying at home. Someone with that mindset wouldn’t even get past a first date with me

I'm not sure how you've misunderstood my comment, yes of course its sexism. Its a paternal attitude towards dependents. Its not often seen in modern men, we are talking about an older generation.

What I am saying is that they understand and accept the contract of earner + home maker. So they don't feel resentful about using 'their' money to pay for their children.

Sorry, I thought you were saying that was a good attitude to have! Misunderstood your meaning

There was a thread on here ages ago from a woman whose partner earned more than her, she was disabled and worked less, did childcare when not working and they lived with her mum. She absolutely insisted on paying her 50% of everything so she didn't feel like a sponger, even to the extent of not going on some days out because she couldn't afford them. Her partner didn't agree with her and had told her he was paying for them all to go on a big holiday together because he wanted the kids to have the experience and he wanted her there. It was a very odd attitude. All driven by her.

I think there's a good point in there about old fashioned attitudes. I'm not of the view that home and caring stuff is automatically better done by women, nor do I claim to know how far the choices we make are determined by social conditioning. But I do think the 'contract' mentioned in the last couple of posts is not the worst arrangement for women by any means (though I admit I've never done it). As long as the respect is there. The problem came when it wasn't. I come from a tradition where the men would earn the money then tip up the wage to the woman of the household, and were proud to do so... but a few of them didn't. Then it got really bad.

I'd also agree with the posts about global capitalism. Not values I subscribe to either.

I used to work with a woman who had a well paid job. She was married, no kids.
They went on an exotic holiday. She told me she had wanted to go for an extra week but couldn't because her DH didn't have enough money.
I don't know who was driving that, but it seems very odd to me to keep everything separate to that extent once married.
I'm pretty sure she was the higher earner.

I don't really get it, but different strokes I guess. At least she was willing to tailor her lifestyle requirements downwards to reflect a partner's lower earnings. The worst situations are when one partner earns a lot more but wants both 50/50 and a lifestyle reflecting their own higher income, rather than accepting they'll either need to pay more or live cheaply enough for the other to afford their share. Seems quite analogous to some of the fathers mentioned in this thread, wanting it both ways.

I don't understand it at all. DP and I love each other so we want each other to be happy. Not for one of us to be able to afford to do things the other can't.

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I would add that this is the case when couples are gettng divorced too.
So woman is at hme, does the bulk of the job, is taking a step back in her career to aomodate said man.
he sees his wages going up. She doesnt (or actually they might weel go down as she is accepting part time hours, jbs with less responsibility ec...).

but if they split... then she is expecting t stay up on her tw feets financially, regardless of the sacrifices she has made. she is still looking after the dcs, paying for all the chilcare (basically putting herself into poverty) whilst the man can just swam away with no care in the world.
And if he does settle don again and the new woman has kids, he is not expected to pay for anything for hos step kids because they arent his....

Yep. I agree. Women have been conned into a system where they have to be 'just like men' (earn and be financially ijdependent) whilst the men havent even started to make an effort and take on all the work women do. (And are very strongly resisting doing so too)

Russian fwiw I am in a similar position. Very low earnings due to disability. And yes I do feel guilty of not being able to put more in the pot.
because I have been told that I shouldnt be financial dependent and be a lazy scrounger (you see those commenst a lot on MN actually too) byt the society around me.

So yes I get it.

YY @ComeAndDance Agree.

@Totur

Classic example.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3620314-To-consider-divorce-over-financial-bullying?watched=1&msgid=88044344#88044344

@clairemcnam I'm so glad you've addressed this issue. It's definitely a feminist issue

A mother funding her own maternity leave is perhaps one of the most extreme and perverse examples I can think of. The woman has not only endured pregnancy and child birth to create their shared child but also undoubtedly taken a hit on their career through having the time off and they're supposed to pay their partner for the privilege?

I know. Women have really been sold a line this somehow has anything to do with equality. Men do seem to expect this type of thing, in the name of equality.

@clairemcnam

Sweden which has a very high rate of mothers returning to work, also has an incredibly high rate of women off ill and retiring early on grounds of ill health.

Gosh that is very telling isn't it

54,000 women a year lose their jobs due to pregnancy related discrimination. This coupled with this expectation that women should save up for their own maternity leave like the pregnancy was an immaculate conception, may well result in more women choosing the child free by choice option.

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