A really interesting article for anyone experiencing narcisstic behaviour in their lives

[pombear]

For anyone experiencing narcisstic behaviour in their lives, particularly women, this is a really interesting article.

donawheeler.wordpress.com/2015/09/17/ignoring-the-narcissist-how-to-spot-the-monkey-dance/

To enable this thread to remain, let's not speak of this again. But you may want to risk reading the link whilst it's still here.

Grey rock is a fabulous technique. It works. Recommend it to any woman dealing with a narcissist.

But really, grey rock is best

www.chumplady.com/2018/08/new-narc-strategy-be-boring/

It’s absoluteky the drip drip of being in this sort of relationship. My ex ground me down but there was just enough good, and he was so good at narrating to himself what a good guy he was, that I was always doubting.

Until he over stretched himself and started intruding on my work. That was the line for me. The blinkers snapped off and suddenly I could see him for who he was and what he’d been doing.

I still think about what a narrow escape I had from being too ground down to leave.

Ewe - I find Chumplady very down to earth.

(Sometimes my brain switches off when I am reading long things)

Coercive control and the law

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

(Off topic but I could never remember which way to spell grey/gray until someone the internet told me it was grAy for America and grEy for England)

Oooh nice one ewe

Ewe I'm another huge Chump Lady fan. Sensible, straight forward articles, especially the ones around ways of responding to the most typical scripts.

The more I read about narcissists, the more I realise my ex was one. Do you think they are aware of it or not?

No - they are not aware. They genuinely think they are amazing and everyone else is lesser.

Do you think they are aware of it or not?

No. They're only aware of themselves. They don't see other people as actual real, live human beings.

Always remember: with narcissists, accusations are admissions. When they're arguing, it's not with you: they're shouting at themselves in the mirror.

We have one of those 'fake' grey rocks that you're meant to keep your spare key in outside in the garden, in case anyone forgets theirs.

We've never used it, as it looks too obvious!

But whenever I've needed to channel the 'grey rock' technique in my life, I always visualise that. It's a really helpful visual 'anchor' to remind me.

to those who've shared some of their experiences of controlling behaviours in their lives in this thread.

I used to know a guy who treated others like shit while squealing with outrage if anyone ever stood up to him. I couldn't understand his behaviour - it was beyond rational explanation. A while later someone who'd studied psychology said he almost certainly had NPD. It was the first time I'd heard of NPD, but it fit this guy like a glove. What I mainly remember about him was that as well as being a vindictive, lying bully who betrayed his friends, he had a massive sense of victimhood while thinking of himself as a super-admirable and desirable hero figure.

But also incredibly relevant to feminism as these moves are made by men at both a personal and political level to re-enforce oppression by gender.

Yes. Important to note that the dynamics of interpersonal abuse can also replicate into societal level abuse. Techniques don't alter.

It's an extremely useful article.

A good friend of mine was in a terribly abusive relationship - with her husband of 20+ years.

I'd known her for years, but I never knew quite how bad he was - until he was arrested for viewing online child abuse images. Dawn raid by police.

Turned out he had been emotionally, sexually and financially abusive to her for years - the only thing he didn't do was hit here, and because of that he held himself up as some sort non-violent paragon of virtue

Anyway - to cut a v long story short - he is now serving a prison sentence for raping her.

Yet somehow,he has managed to continue to harass her, and abuse her from his prison cell. Via lawyers (he's not allowed to contact her directly). Via her solicitor - he makes a fuss about everything - their dc, their divorce, the financial settlement - everything. Appeals every court decision. Says he is innocent of rape, and will overturn his conviction and have her prosecuted for perjury and take the children. He is a very. very angry man. He has to win - he won't stop. He won't leave her alone.

Believe it or not, he frightens Judges and the police. I've seen it. I've been in court with her. I imagine he tries to intimidate prison/parole officers too. He's v well educated, (Oxbridge) and gets very angry about "his rights". He's the most horrific example of a narcissistic bully.

Sorry for the long post. I'm going to send article this to her.

I so wish I knew about grey rock years ago. I could of saved myself a lot of anxiety and a whole lot of trouble. I want every woman to read it!

Btw, my friend found the book "Divorcing a Narcissist" very useful - would recommend.

And I introduced her to Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?" (I think it's called, iirc).

Both very good.

ToeToToe

I’ve also got a friend controlled by another well educated extremely wealthy oxbridge ex, it’s unbelievable the lengths he goes to. He’s not in jail, but many years after their breakup he is controlling her by using their kids and taking her back to court as often as he can. She’s gone through absolute hell and is always sick. I’m sending her all these excellent links tomorrow.

Via her solicitor - he makes a fuss about everything - their dc, their divorce, the financial settlement - everything. Appeals every court decision.

Invoking authorities - courts, the police, social services - as proxy abusers is a very common technique. Pay attention when this happens.

Jessica, my friend has had hers, and her children's lives ruined by this man.

He treated her appallingly - but thinks she should have stood by him after his arrest for downloading child abuse images. She couldn't.

He is literally spending his life - and I imagine, unlimited time - in prison, thinking of ways to drag her back to court.

It's made her ill too. The letters he writes to her solicitor are so convincing. He's so sure he's in the right.

My DD is only 11, but already I'm gently prepping to spot the signs of narcissism in other people.

My DD is only 11, but already I'm gently prepping to spot the signs of narcissism in other people.

ToetoToe This is incredibly important. Me too. Pat from The Freedom Programme does do a 'children's' training session. If only we could prepare this society's children to watch out for the signs beforehand, rather than try to repair the damage once it's done.

pom I'm a massive admirer of the Freedom Programme for the stance they take on all manner of male abuse. Follow them on Twitter.

Lang - yes, "invoking authorities". Another one to add to the "Waitress test" - we all teach our daughters the Waitress Test, right?

Watch your partner’s interactions with strangers. Notice if your partner treats waiters or waitresses, taxi drivers, concierges or anyone else in the service industry disrespectfully. This is a sign that someone has a mean superiority complex. He divides the world into worthiness and unworthiness and this sense of unworthiness will soon be inflicted on you.

Such a good resource. It's incredible how women can communicate to so many other women about this.

The benefit of their experience is invaluable. And, as I said on another thread, the uniform way that these things happen, the predictability, the script - is incredibly useful for women in order to spot the (inevitable) patterns.

to all the women who shared their experiences here.