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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Should this LGBT club be going behind parents backs?

73 replies

steppemum · 05/03/2019 13:39

dd is 14 and gay. No problem.

I have just seen an email from her to a local teenagers LGBT club. It all looks OK, and in principle I wouldn't have any problem with her going along to it, but she wrote to them aged 13 (just had her birthday) and asked to join. They wrote to her and said you are welcome, this is where and when we meet and you are welcome to bring along a parent/friend. The club is open to kids aged 13-19

But, she was 13. No other activity that she goes to aged 13 is allowed to have her there without signed parental permission. I only saw this email as I get copies of her emails to my computer still.

While I have huge sympathy with 13 year olds strugglling with their sexuality and wanting to access a place liek this without their parents, I just feel really uncomfortable that at 13 they will welcome her to a group, meeting in town, in the early evening, (so finishes at 7:30) with no permission needed. It doesn't sit right with me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BettyDuMonde · 05/03/2019 13:44

It’s run by adults and they are facilitating conversation about sexual orientation and therefore sexual/adult topics?

I’d be concerned too (the LGBT bit is neither here nor there really).

Original poster
steppemum · 05/03/2019 13:49

I've just been talking to dh, and realised, they wouldn't have any contact details for us if there was a problem. We wouldn't knwo where she was.

It just all feels really cloak and dagger and red flags ringing all over the place.

The real problem I have is that dd will want to go, and I undertsand that. But some of the kids there are 17,18,19, and the discussion is around sex.

hmm.

OP posts:
FloralBuntingIsObnoxious · 05/03/2019 13:53

Yeah, that's a safeguarding concern, I think. DP runs a church youth group and they have permission forms as standard. I understand that there are homophobic parents (Oh boy, do I), but this is not appropriate.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 05/03/2019 13:56

Well I regularly participated in various societies etc at that age that didn’t require parental consent but then again none of the revolved around sex.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 05/03/2019 13:58

That's a massive safeguarding concern Shock

The LGBT is nothing to do with it, a group of adults formally interacting with a group of children without the children's parent's knowledge is a huge red flag.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 05/03/2019 14:01

The mixed age is a concern too - are all of the adults (both leaders and attendees) PVG checked?

Original poster
steppemum · 05/03/2019 14:04

all adults DBS checked, what is PVG?
They are funded by Stonewater and The Diversity Trust.

Gregory - how long ago, and what sort of societies? I can't think of a single group now that wouldn't require proper forms for this age. (martial arts, dance, scouts, orchestra, afterschool clubs etc etc)

OP posts:
BettyDuMonde · 05/03/2019 14:07

Is the 19 top limit actually policed? I know in many small, community focussed groups those that age out are wont to continue hanging around - that’s understandable, but sometimes (as in this case) completely inappropriate.

Is there an LGBT society at school she could attend instead? At least that way you would know that adult facilitators had been vetted and no former members/inappropriate adults will be hanging around.

Original poster
steppemum · 05/03/2019 14:09

She goes (or went) to a LBGT group at school, was really excited about it, and it was through that that she came out.

But recently she has got fed up of the group. Not sure why, it is led by a couple of older girls and I suspect they are annoying, added to that, once all the emotional rollercoaster of coming out was over, I am not sure that they had much in common!

OP posts:
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 05/03/2019 14:09

all adults DBS checked, what is PVG?

Sorry, PVG = Scottish DBS

Are the adult attendees definitely DBS checked as well as the facilitators?

FloralBuntingIsObnoxious · 05/03/2019 14:10

Yes, I was going to suggest a school club.

Original poster
steppemum · 05/03/2019 14:10

Betty- I agree about the upper age range but actually, technically I think it should be 18 and then enforced. Not really happy that 19 and 13 are in the same group.

OP posts:
howmanybiscuits · 05/03/2019 14:10

What's Stonewater? Or do you mean Stonewall?

Original poster
steppemum · 05/03/2019 14:11

The website says 'all volunteer leaders are DBS checked'

That wouldn't include the 18 and 19 year old attendees.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 05/03/2019 14:11

PVG is the new DBS check. I think groups should be in touch with parents till the kids are 16 I know this is supposed to be a safe place not all parents will know their teens are Gay etc but I do think another outside adult should be an emergency contact.

FloralBuntingIsObnoxious · 05/03/2019 14:12

Ah. Just seen the post about school.

I'd investigate further, tbh, given that your issue here is very sensible concern for the proper responsible running of a club for potentially vulnerable young people.

Original poster
steppemum · 05/03/2019 14:12

Not Stonewall, I did double check, no it is Stonewater (is that an offshoot of Stonewall>)

OP posts:
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 05/03/2019 14:13

Is their safeguarding policy on their website?

This is quite a useful checklist in general:

www2.gov.scot/Publications/2002/10/15502/11395

Original poster
steppemum · 05/03/2019 14:14

Floral - any suggestions as to what to do? I have looked at their websote, but there is no more information.
The only other thing i could do is contact them.

OP posts:
beenandgoneandbackagain · 05/03/2019 14:14

a group of adults formally interacting with a group of children without the children's parent's knowledge is a huge red flag.

This. This. This. Young gay men have been targeted and groomed in similar situations.

I used to run meetings which were of interest to teenagers, anyone under 18 had to attend with an adult/parent. Once the parents were okay, if they were over 16 they could come without the adult/parent. If they were under 16 they had to have the parent there for all meetings.

I would seriously question the ethics of anyone running a group aimed at teenagers with such obvious poor safeguarding in place.

Willow1992 · 05/03/2019 14:17

I am not sure if this has changed since, but when I was a teen (26 now), although more formal clubs might have required parental permission I remember a youth club for teens in town where you could just casually turn up. Is there a loop hole there maybe?

I can see the argument for providing a space for LGBT teens without having to inform parents... 13 is quite young to be out without parental permission, but then again some children could be already becoming sexually active and need advice that they don't feel comfortable or safe to ask their parents about?

FloralBuntingIsObnoxious · 05/03/2019 14:18

Contact them. Have a conversation. You support your daughter, and you have legitimate concerns about the way the group is run. If they are on the level, they should have no problem addressing your questions and misgivings here. I wouldn't trust anyone who assumed a rift with parents as a given. They should be encouraging good, supportive parents of gay young people.

MrsJayy · 05/03/2019 14:19

I think you should contact them even if it is a chatty email just asking about their group activities workshops etc .

BettyDuMonde · 05/03/2019 14:19

I agree that the age range is ridiculously wide.
Personally, I would want it to be divided along pre age of consent /post age of consent lines to ensure that the material shared and the topics discussed were appropriate to the age of the group - I suppose they might divide into two groups for some of the discussions?

BUT not having a way to check/learn more/stay informed as parents means the red flags can’t be folded away.

Bummer re: the school group. Are there any other similar groups in your area that would make a viable alternative? Do you have any friends/contacts that have had first hand experience of growing up gay in your area who can advise?

MrsJayy · 05/03/2019 14:23

Sorry I didn't know PVG was just in Scotland.