Surname change after marriage

[CalmDownPacino]

This probably seems trivial but is really bothering me and I don't have the right responses to people! Getting married in a few weeks, am not changing my name. Some people have asked if I'm changing my name and I've said no. The responses I get are mainly "well you'll still legally be Mrs Blah even if you pretend not to be". As far as I know this isn't true but I don't know if I'm right, nor do I have the right reply when people say this to me. As I said, I know it's no biggie but it's really irritating me.

most of us (I'm mid 40s, which I think it similar to most FWR regulars) we grew up with the outright expectation that a woman would change her name on marriage; that a woman who didn't do that was weird;

I'm a similar age and definitely did not grow up "with the outright expectation that a woman would change her name on marriage." Yes it was - and sadly still is - the norm but even then there were loads of exceptions. We're not talking about the 1950s here.

I grew up in the 80s, 90s, I didn't know a single person who changed their name. All families had the same name. We were quite rural though...

I grew up in the suburbs of London in the 80s and also never knew any married women who kept their own name.

Yes - I get this and now my new sister- in- law is doing the same. My MIL actually phoned me to tell me that she’d sent me a cheque in my other name. I pointed out that I only had the same name I’d ever had. Bloody rude.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread. //
Just wanted to say that my mum married my dad 32 years ago and did not take his surname. 30 years+ later and some members of the family still address cards etc to her under my fathers surname rather than her own. My surname is the same as hers. It never bothered my dad at all but people would often comment, which I found weird.

I'm now 28 and just married. Keeping my own surname!! For now at least. I'll change it if and when I want to. Have already had a couple of comments including from MIL. Which I find really hypocritical as DH has her surname rather than his dad's (they never married / long time separated).

*I have a male friend whose Turkish father changed the spelling of their name to the phonetic version when they moved here in the 70s. Still the same name, but they felt it reduced confusion over the pronunciation.

Why didn't he do what so many women say they do in these circumstances, and take his wife's name? Problem solved!*

He was born in the 30s so I guess it just wasn't something that happened in the decade that they they married (1950s). Plus, he was married to a Turkish woman who possessed an equally unfamiliar name to the english of the 70s.

Context is everything, isn't it? What looks ridiculous to a generation raised now was commonplace and unquestioned 60 years ago.

Context is everything, isn't it? What looks ridiculous to a generation raised now was commonplace and unquestioned 60 years ago.

True, but my point is that Anglicising your name isn't at all the same thing as abandoning your name and taking your spouse's instead. Almost no man - not hen, not now - would even consider doing that, yet it remains the norm for women.

I really, really regret changing my name on marriage. I had lots of stupid embarrassing reasons - his name was unusual and posh and double barrelled, and I wanted to send a clear signal to my ex that he could get to fuck, and I was giddy about finally getting married in my 40s . But now I share a surname with my stepchildren, who I do actually love, but not my own children, who obviously I love also (they have my birth surname). And it's never really felt like me. Plus it's a stupid unpronounceable type of double barrel, and without fail whenever I speak to anyone new on the phone I have to repeat it and spell it. And double barrels are a pain in the arse on forms. I wish I'd never changed it. I've changed it back at work, and I want to change it back in real life too but (a) I can't face the admin and (b) DH will be upset. He won't try to stop me, and understands why I don't like it, but I know he'll see it as a clear statement of intent, which it isn't. I just wish I'd never changed it. Funnily enough, my own children are very much against me changing it because they don't want their stepdad to be hurt. They're boys though, wonder if they'd get it more if they were girls. I thought I'd raised them to be feminists too.

Personally I only changed my surname because his was better, my previous surname was annoying.

He is under no illusions that I did it for tradition or through transfer of ownership

Personally I only changed my surname because his was better, my previous surname was annoying.

Do you have any male relatitives who are married? Did they also replace their 'annoying' names with their wives' 'better' ones?

I love the way Ms sounds. Feels so much more modern than either Miss or Mrs. It's nice to use.

Maybe the best solution would be to make it law that everyone, on marriage, changes their name. Each happy couple is allocated a brand new name to use, that bears no resemblance to their old names. Their old identities are wiped clean, they no longer exist. Using their original names is "dead naming" them and people will be charged and prosecuted for not giving them their new names. Does that sound familiar?

Or we could just do as they do in Spainm and in the rest of the Spanish speaking world. Both partners keep their names, and the children take both. The only thing I'd change is the tradition for the man's name to take precedence, but other than that, it's a system which seems to work without problems for hundreds of millions of people.

Sorry, that was flippant, but it does seem that we're just replacing one set of rules with another. The fact that it's feminists setting the new rules (you WILL keep your name after marriage) doesn't make it right.

Kennehora - because I think that the last 30/40 years has seen immense social change in regards to family set ups, which all has an impact on things like name changing / retention

When I was growing up, I didn't know anyone whose parents had divorced until I was 10, never mind divorced and re-married. There was one family in our primary school with a single parent. I didn't know any out gay people until I was at secondary school, certainly not (out) gay parents.

My children have grown up with all of the above being completely normal, fairly common and un-noteworthy. Although they don't directly impact on the "shall I change my name when I get married?" question, they all help inform the circumstances in which people are making the decision

Ah yes, Spain. Peaceful, women friendly Spain.

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-46921214?intlink_from_url=www.bbc.co.uk/news/topics/c302m85qenvt/spain&link_location=live-reporting-story" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-46921214?intlink_from_url=www.bbc.co.uk/news/topics/c302m85qenvt/spain&link_location=live-reporting-story

So this chap, Jose Javier Salvador Calvo is named Salvador after his father, and Calvo after his mother? Correct?

Of course, the order of his names is so much more important than anything else.

The fact that it's feminists setting the new rules (you WILL keep your name after marriage) doesn't make it right.

Nobody's saying you have to keep your name. Don't be silly.

But this is a 'Feminism' board so obviously the discussion is going to focus on the gendered nature of name-changing. And however people may try to skirt around it, changing you name IS a gendered decision. Almost no man - not even right-on feminst types - would ev want ten consider doing it. Very many women do without much of a thought.

If you want to abandon your name in favour of a man's, by all means go ahead. But let's not pretend this decision isn't being made in a context where a woman's identity is still considered dependent on a man, and where marriage is still considered the ultimate 'achievement' for women.

Of course, the order of his names is so much more important than anything else.

Sorry, but you're just being overly defensive and tendentious now.

Of course name changing isn't the most important thing, or even close. Nobody claimed that. My point was that a large proportion of the world's population get by quite well with a system which doesn't depend on a woman (never a man) sacrifycing her name for a man's. To read some of the posts here, you'd swear the earth would stop turning if a husband and wife have different names.

How do you imagine that it will become 'far less common' without individual women making the decision to resist and refuse this patriarchal tradition?

Well, exactly. It used to be rare for women to wear trousers, work outside the home etc. But these things are now quite commonplace, because individual women in their millions set out to change them. They did so often at considerable cost to themselves.

There really is no taboo against a woman keeping her own name on marriage. And there hasn't been for quite a while - I disagree with the poster above in that respect. As I said before, it's obvious that many women just like the idea of taking a man's name. That's fine - I guess - but let's not pretend that it's all about 'nobody can spell my name' or 'What if the kids had a different name?" They just want to take a man's name. That's not a feminist decision but not every decision has to be.

I don't necessarily know that I have the education or even the intellectual capacity to discuss feminism in the depths that the more experienced here can, which I'm sure a lot of you can tell. But I do know that changing your name doesn't change who you are as a person. Age does that.

I suspect in most cases it's a combination of reasons, including tradition / custom / societal pressure; wanting everyone to have the same name; wanting to change their birth name; wanting to show to the world that they are married etc etc

If you have an unusual or ugly surname, that might help tip the balance in favour of changing your name. Like when posters on the Baby Name board say that their DH wants to name their son after his father, and if the name is something lovely they get responses that say it would be a lovely idea ("nice to honour someone important to DH, keep the tradition going, wonderful name on my list too"), but if the name is terrible it is suggested that they find another name ("allow the child to have their own identity, what about your family, why set him up for a lifetime of teasing")

But it's ridiculous to ignore the fact that for most of us (I'm mid 40s, which I think it similar to most FWR regulars) we grew up with the outright expectation that a woman would change her name on marriage; that a woman who didn't do that was weird;

I’m 41 and I don’t recognise that. Yes, I’m an outlier in not changing my name, but I don’t recall any pressure whatsoever to do so during my formative years.