At what age did you 'become at peace' with your body?

[RedToothBrush]

Just that really.

Cos I'd say in my early 30s.

And before my face. I missed liking my face before it started to age and never appreciated it.

45 this year and I am still waiting. There has never been a time when I've been happy with my body (except perhaps whilst pregnant). I've always felt big and unattractive (even though looking back I really wasn't "big" when a child/teen/young adult, just tall and solid not fat). I have wasted so much of my life hiding away and never feeling comfortable or confident with my body. I truthfully can't even pick out a favourite feature or even one physical thing I like about my body. I've never, ever worn a bikini and always, always wore a baggy t-shirt over my swimming costume when I was younger.

And yet objectively I know I should be so thankful that I am strong and healthy and my body has given me 4 easy births, healthy children and easy breast feeding. It makes me cringe when my DP compliments me because I automatically think he must be lying (although he swears he's not!). I probably need about a million years of therapy to get me to a place where I actually like my body.

I found it very empowering to look down at my stretch marks and realise that (a) they're never going to go away, they're part of me forever so I might as well learn to accept them, and (b) they're a badge of honour, the marks of having grown amazing human beings inside me!

I don't like the saggy, wrinkly, empty handbag that has replaced my once washboard-flat stomach. But, hey, it's what I've got. Shall I punish myself for 15y of obesity? Shall I punish myself for having been pregnant? Hell, no! I'll not hate myself anymore.

as others have noted men aren't really that fussy so it wasn't an issue finding a husband

I find this assertion utterly baffling, tbh!

My experience has been the opposite. I was only talking to my friend this evening about the fact that I cannot remember the last time a man asked me out. I've been mostly single for a few years. I have asked out the few men I have briefly dated.

I went out with friends last week and was the only one who wasn't approached by anyone all night.

I'm not particularly comfortable with myself but I know that I'm not unattractive.

The men I have dated have been critical of my age (even when I was younger than them); told me I could "stand to lose a few kilos" even though I was a size 10/12 at the time; and I'm rarely complimented on my appearance/looks.

I've decided to stay single (not that the alternative is an option!) because, to be quite honest, I'm sick of constantly being told/made to feel that I'm not quite good enough by men I'm supposed to be in a relationship with!

That's horrible @stuffingsandwich, never put up with being put down.

Have you tried Hinge? It's a dating app that two of my friends have had great success with. It's nowhere near as shallow as some of the others.

For some survivors of violence, I think the question may be the wrong way round.

At what age did your body, if ever, come to terms with reality?

Still not, though I have a chronic pain disability that only became apparent in my 20's, so suspect I'll always feel this uncomfortable disconnect with my body.

ReaganSomerset

I don't stand for being put down - that's why I've only dated them briefly

It doesn't upset me but it does puzzle me - I'd love to know why my experience is consistently and persistently so different!

I was becoming more comfortable with my body/appearance at one point. I did feel more confident but that just seemed to make it worse.

I came to the conclusion that men like women to be confident in their appearance/sexuality but only if they agree. Otherwise, they're more than happy to point out that you're wrong. And almost seem to see it as a personal affront that you don't appear to hate yourself.

Some men seemed to feel that as a 40 year old, averagely sized/shaped, averagely attractive woman, I wasn't self loathing enough. That's what I came away with from it.

Clearly just another act of womaning I'm getting wrong...

I’ve never loved nor particularly disliked my body. Maybe because it’s always been fairly average. When I’ve been a bit fat I can’t say it really affected me.

@StuffingSandwich "I'm mid 40s and not comfortable enough with my face or body to entertain a relationship now."

this is interesting. I think I've made peace with my body now, at 43, but I think if I was partnered up, it would be much more difficult. I love being single so this thought only occurred to me quite recently. I'm shocked sometimes when I read threads where partners comment on appearance - even positively. I just think it would be very difficult to have someone else paying attention to what I look like though.

I'm still struggling with my face starting to look my age though, which is pathetic of me.

Early twenties, but it was a side effect of having a few years where my body didn't work very well and I could have died. More a sense of perspective, than comfort, if that makes sense. Most people are comfortable with their elbows, as in they don't really think about them, that's the kind of comfort I have.

Also, the realisation that most people don't even notice or care and are worried about themselves. That comes with age.

Late 40s now and only now looking at my poor body in terms of caring for it rather than abusing it. It has survived so much abuse from me stemming from mh problems that have dogged me all my life but it is still here.
I now realise what a gift it is and am learning how to love it and treat it properly. I eat well, exercise moderately and am kind to myself both physically and mentally. It is a relief to be able to say I love my body for what we have been through together.

It has broken my heart a little bit to read everyone's stories here. We are taught to be so horribly critical of ourselves from being so tiny that we almost become divorced from our bodies.

Oh and I am another who looks back at pics of myself in my twenties and can see a young, beautiful woman but at the time I KNOW I was a seething mass of self hatred and insecurity unable to live life to the full. So bloody sad for us all.

I’ve never been comfortable with the way I look. My looks bring me down so much, I try to avoid photos/mirrors. I’m an adult now but I still will get nervous walking past a group of lads in case they stare, laugh, and make comments on my appearance (it’s happened before many times)

I've never understood people crying over their looks or body image if that's the worst problem in your life, consider yourself lucky

^ you’ve clearly never been ugly. Count yourself lucky! I hate how it’s seen as a trivial matter, I’m not a vain person all I wish to look is ‘average’ but instead being an ugly woman in society is hard. There are even scientific studies to show the halo effect, and how unattractive people less likely to get hired etc
Also, my ugliness doesn’t prevent me from experiencing other ‘normal’ problems that people can sympathise such as illness bereavements etc. In some ways I could see my looks as being one of my worst problems as it’s constantly made my life harder

I’m frequently talked down to, presumed to be stupid, and less worthy just because of my looks

Grace212 my partner rarely comments on my appearance lol - he would positively if I asked him but I would have to ask. I think it is good if a partner doesn't rate appearance as an important thing. Or anyone for that matter. I bet there are lots of people who consider their own appearance carefully but are completely accepting about the appearance of others!

I’ve always kind of viewed it as an acceptable vehicle.

I really hated the changes involved pregnancy, and I’m still breastfeeding and bleurgh. Not keen on my breasts at the moment, I will feed until 2/3 as I did the others but I can’t wait to be ‘free’.

Also pregnancy / birth fucked my pelvic floor.

So at the moment my feeling of peace is around a 6/10 (first year after birth I’d say 2 or 3). But I’m reasonably confident / hopeful it will go back up to 8 or 9 once I’m free from reproductive duties.

At 28, after my first baby. Even more so after my second baby.

I mean, I actually look bloody awful. I’m 4 stone heavier than I was in my early 20’s, covered in stretch marks and my hair is a birds nest half the time. The heavy bags under my eyes tell the tale of many, many, many sleepless nights rocking and feeding our babies. But I’m actually okay with all of that.

I don’t know why I’m happy like this though. Maybe I’m just too tired to give a shit anymore

52 and still a very long way from being at peace with my body. Maybe I’m more at peace with not being at peace though?! Kind of more accepting that I have not been blessed with an aesthetically pleasing outer shell and still a bit resentful!

It is so very striking to me that men have no idea about this aspect of being a woman. None at all.

What aspect?

My DH is incredibly insecure in his body, his weight yoyos, he’s very emotionally tied to his perception of how he looks.

He is always trying to draw out an opinion from me on how he looks and I just tell him I love him and love how he looks.

Only time I raise his weight as an issue is because there’s a point where it impacts his sleeping, makes him a noisy restless sleeper. But I have to do that so carefully because the potential for upset is huge.

Of course he has no idea what it’s like to be pregnant or breastfeed so that aspect is uniquely female.

Always, despite having severe mental health issues and being bullied (including being called ugly) at school I've honestly never disliked the way I look facially or bodily

Can I have my knees back? The ones that didn't hurt when I bent down?

I'm still struggling with my face starting to look my age though, which is pathetic of me.

I know what you mean!

Although since I started making sure I drinking 2L of water a day and using the oil cleansing method, people generally assume I'm around 8 years younger than I am. So might be worth a try...

Also, the realisation that most people don't even notice or care and are worried about themselves

Letssplashmummy I really wish this were true, but I don't actually think it is. I come from a family of hypercritical people (I'm sure it contributed to my ED) where it was considered normal to comment on the appearances of everyone you came across, and it didn't even occur to my parents to think that this was cruel, pointless, or a waste of one's energy. As a result, I am always quite aware of how others look, usually in comparison with myself. For instance, I will know within about a minute of entering a room whether I'm the fattest one there or not. I can't tell you how much I wish I wasn't like this, but there it is.

And you only have to read any thread on MN about weight and fat to realise that a significant number of people go around judging others on their appearances and being disgusted by them.

Batteries I mean the constant and relentless societal pressure on women with regard to their looks that just is not there for men (as well as the female only issues of having a female biology).

I am sorry that your husband is suffering but I would imagine that this is far less prevalent in men and that most men would just not 'get it'.

Batteriesallgone

In my experience, most men are only insecure about their appearance when there is something to be concerned about - e.g. being overweight to the extent that it impacts upon health (and even then my exh didn't consider for a second that being obese might make him unattractive). Whereas women are almost 'required' to feel bad about themselves even when they are young, slim and attractive.

There are entire industries based upon creating and preying upon insecurities and very successful they are too!

I don't doubt for a second that some men have insecurities but it appears to be a uniquely female experience for the large part.

Oh my, dudes and their body issues? I could write a book. I'm honestly seeing more and more men obsessing over their diet and their gym, and now fashion too.

I remember my own dad being very preoccupied with his appearance. Apparently when he got his first job, he went to the bank and got a loan and spent in on designer clothing, when he was very young. He'd keep up a tan religiously, enjoyed fashionable accessories, once as a teen I 'caught' him using my salicylic acid because he was going on a date and was worried about what the lady would think about his complexion (he didn't know how to use acids and gave himself a burn. Very clever, daddy, very clever.) Oh, and when his hair started falling out in his late 20s, he would frequent and spend a fortune at some fancy shmancy Swiss clinics. Yup, he ended up spending an absolute fortune but his hair still all fell out. :) Don't think he ever got over it.

Now my own DH has so many hangups about his body that I just roll my eyes at him nowadays because I can't be arsed to listen to his lamentations anymore. DH works out obsessively, cycles for miles every day, and is always in the mirror saying that he's fat. Well nope, he isn't, his weight is well within the healthy range but with a skeleton as huge as his, (now he is a prime example of Big Bones), he'll never look skinny. Funny thing is that his body is perfectly acceptable. Amazing legs from over 20 years of religious cycling, nice muscle definition from all the weight lifting, perfect V-shape physique. Nowt to moan about. But he gained a couple of kilos over Christmas and the whinging is neverending. Blah-blah. But I guess at least he keeps himself in shape, which pleases me greatly. I'd be pretty pissed off if he let himself go.

And I'm seeing more and more men overall, obsessing over their diet and workouts and fashion. Male grooming is becoming a huge thing. To be honest, in a way I'm happy with this - more good looking dudes for me to look at, so I'll leave them to it. shrug.