worried about partner

[Nsmum14]

My partner started watching Jordan Peterson videos around this time last year. Being an insecure man who has not really known privilege he was instantly attracted to J P and to his lectures. My partner started to say things like male privilege is a myth. He now believes it is men that are hard done by by the world generally. That women act like they're victims but it is simply an act.
A year on he's watching all these seemingly vile videos on youtube. Last night he was watching a video called How Women Destroy Nations (and why men let them). Whenever I ask why he is watching this stuff he gets angry and goes into fighty mode. We fall out enough as it is so I'm just keeping silent and hoping this phase passes.

It is upsetting to me though. I don't know why I'm posting this. He seems strengthened by what he watches, I think I just wanted to hear what some of you think of this.

Why are you with someone who upsets you?

Well I am sorry to hear that, my brother has done the same.

I don't see his very much - we live in different countries from each other but I have had to ask him to stop emailing me his political sexist views.

I am not working at the moment but as soon as I am again I am going to save up some money for his wife and daughters.

I am afraid he is very negative now about women Muslims - he calls me a neo Marxist.

I spent lots of time trying to debate respectively but I have just had to accept that he has the most horrible views. I spent one weekend listening to him and he has awful alarmist right wing views.

I don't know what you do?

I was quite surprised about Jordan Peterson but I think it allows men who deep down feel they are somehow victims to feel empowered.

Like I say as soon as I am working I am going to make it a total priority to save money for his immediate family as I honestly believe his wife needs to leave him and the only way I can think of helping her is by getting some money together that is just for her.

It was horrible and I could see that she has to try pacify him as I ended up doing as it just seemed safer.

I really think Jordan Peterson is dangerous.
He seems to have got a hold of my brother and I believe ha that's spiralled into more extreme views from the Internet.

Good luck - I am sorry but I found it very scary seeing my brother and the way he treats women now is appalling in my views.

I hope you are not married to him.

If I were you I would get out of the relationship ASAP.

That might not be what you want to hear but it sounds like your partner hates women so no good can come out of this.

You would not I hope stay with someone if they did not like amor acted hated your ethnicity.

Please don't stay.

Make moves to get out of the relationship.

Thanks for replying zuzzies. Sorry to hear about your brother. My partner is an otherwise intelligent man, he reads philosophy and history, likes to think he has an unbiased view on most themes. But since listening to Jordan Peterson he seems to have become interested in some seemingly poisonous opinion groups. Despite not having read or followed his ideas, I have a feeling you might be right. Jordan P is dangerous not so much because of what he says, as because of where he leads men on to.

Yes. Once they watch one JP video on YouTube the get a whole train of suggestions of other JP talks to worse things. JP is the gateway.

I think the best thing to do is ask to watch it with your DP and take the piss out of what a verbose insecure twat JP is at the same time. Adding comments like "do you think he believes the shit he's spouting himself or he is just putting a load of random words together to sound impressive because he knows the logic and evidence are patchy?"...

I think that Peterson is dangerous because he mixes some occasionally insightful commentary with outright lies.

If your partner is intelligent and thoughtful, you could try to get him to check some of the facts that Peterson says. Finding out that how many of them are made up may make him wake up to the extent to which the guy is a fraud

Facts help. For a really clear example,

What's the rate of murder or sexual assault of males by their female partners?
Compare to the rate of murder or sexual assault of females by their male partners.

Given these facts, is it really so "unreasonable" for women to be wary of male strangers?

Continue into other issues.

Also, It is a common belief among MRA types that the reason women stay home more and men work more is because of female privilege. if it's possible given your circumstance, you could attempt to convince him to become a kept man. Just make sure he knows that if he takes you up on it, he'll be responsible for 90% of the housework and childcare and that you get at least 2 nights a week out with the girls to unwind from your hard day of work.

Then when he says know you can ask him why he said no? And maybe suggest that this is not a totally free choice for women who are just too lazy to work hard?

Stop worrying about him and think of yourself. He no longer sees himself as your partner, he has chosen to be radicalised and join a misogynistic culture.

I suggest you two have a break, separate, and and see where you are in 6 months time.

Aside from the fact he watches JP, which is his choice, you don’t actually sound like you’re happy in the relationship. Getting into ‘fighty mode’ when you ask him about it, plus fighting a lot already, doesn’t sound like a happy relationship.

I heard JP say one thing that made me stop and never listen again. He says that he thinks people are ‘more wise than they are foolish’. This is such a dumb thing to believe and say given the endless examples of this not being the case, in any country, that I cannot believe any intelligent person would give him much of their time. I think you should break up with your partner for that reason alone.

Try and get him to watch hannah gadsby's Nanette

It’s amazing how some men come out with all this toxic bullshit, yet left to their own devices they would be utterly screwed. Personally I’d tell him to drop the incel bollocks, otherwise he’ll be one himself. Obviously I know that’s probably a stupid idea and would potentially lead to all sorts of anger, and if that’s the case, I’d seriously start getting things in place to LTB. Life’s too short to spend it tip toeing around a misogynistic asshat. You really don’t get that time back, and the longer you leave it, the harder it is. Also, once that dam of anger breaks, it’s impossible to plug again, you’ll be for ever waiting and worrying it’ll happen again. Really, once those red flags go up there’s nothing you can do. You can’t save him, so you need to save yourself. Living with an angry man who can flip on a coin is pretty terrifying.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who is working on developing a deep hatred of women. Why would he expect you to stay with him when he's making it clear what he thinks of women?

thanks WeRiseUp and FWRLurker for your suggestions, I will try both. To the people saying 'break up' or LTB, that is not a helpful suggestion especially when you have so little info to go on from my post. Yes, our relationship is not great at the moment but surely the sensible things is to try and work things out and find mutual understanding rather than give up without even trying? As pointed out in my original post, this is a recent thing (the last year). We've been together 15. His recent interest in these sites has really surprised me, as he does not have a history of being sexist or a misogynist, in his thoughts or actions.

OP, it sounds as if you aren't getting anything from this relationship apart from conflict and distress. He sounds toxic.

I agree with Upstart - separate and maybe review in a few months' time. But I have to say it doesn't look as if there is a future for you as a couple.

Eviecee We watched Nanette together and he was very unimpressed

If he won't talk about it and gets "fighty" then what is there to do? He isn't interested in changing, so the only option you have is to make it clear what the consequences are if he continues like this.

Ah Jordan Peterson. The messiah of life's dick-owning losers, who, despite having all the odds stacked in their favour (particularly if white and western), still can't make anything of themselves. Instead of looking at their own inadequacies, they prefer to blame the wimmin. LTB.

Well sorry we didnt tell you what you wanted to hear but your post says you’ve tried to talk and he gets ‘fighty’ and you fight a lot as it is so don’t sound interested in challenging him at all. Not sure what we can possibly suggest as an action f talking is out of the question. A year is a long time to be watching women-hating videos and I can only suggest what I would do, which is quite honestly: leave.

OP given the length of time you are with him I would be very very careful.

Honestly I look at my sil and it is very sad - she feels trapped because of her children.

My brother honestly has gone done the rabbit hole with this stuff - and once I let him ramble I saw the true hate he has towards women and marginalised groups.

He even brought up white farmers in Africa and he lives the opposite side of the world.
He spits out this shit about hating affirmative action. He is very angry when challenged.

As to how bad it has got - for him I can tell you it won't be long until he is fired and loses his job. He makes kinda about affirmative action and I sure he will do it at work and get dismissed.

He has been made redundant a few times and I think that made him get into this as he was badly impacted by the recession.

His family is isolated, his children and wife can't have anyone over because of his views.

My own husband thinks he will never change is just a right wing vote for some objectionable party. My own husband and I have decided our children can not go near him.

It is heartbreaking but I have decided to just step away - I told my brother to only communicate to me regarding family stuff and he has stopped communicating with me.

Op I suggest you read some Lundy Bancroft.

The political is personal.

Same thing happened to my brother. Started reading JP about a year ago and now constantly berates feminism and women - tho he says he loves women (my mum, his GF, and me).

I don't think JP is to blame, tho is a gateway to allowing men to express their misogynist traits. My brother has always been miogynist (like my dad), it's just he was never interested in the philosophy or politics around MRA until now. Or had the language to talk about it. Now he does.

In a way its a good thing, because he can express who he is and what he thinks precisely. I guess it's the same with your DP. He probably, like my DB had misogynist tendencies, but now can express and justify them.

When people show you who they are, believe them.

Does he have a sister? Perhaps you could ask her? If my "SIL" (they arent married, just been together for ages) asked me, then I would be willing to divulge and give advice.

My advice would be be. He's still the same person, but he's showing you who he is. What you do with that information is your call. If you can live with that attitude (some women don't care) then do it. If you can't (and I wouldn't) then don't.

Problem is with blokes like my brother and your DP the political isn't personal, so when they talk nonsense about "women acting victims" they don't realise how hurtful and insulting they are being.

"See if you can find ways to channel his anger toward more appropriate targets, combined with ideas for constructive action instead of just fuming."
This sounds like good advise. He is a very malleable person, and just as he has gone the way of men's rights, he could turn and focus his interest on something else.
When he arrives home I will ask him why he watched the crap he was watching yesterday. And see how he reacts. I have a feeling he will be defensive, which is when he becomes "fighty" as I described before. I think he is terrified of being proven wrong with all this. But the way to show he is wrong isn't to insult him or the groups he has been watching, but to stay level-headed and demonstrate with facts that it is a clear misdirection of anger.
He was bullied at school by girls and has never had male privilege, so yes, like just about all of us he has reason to be angry. But it is the focus of it at the moment that is wrong.

Thanks Gabcsika, it could be that also. Him finding a way to express what he has always felt. I would not want him as a life companion if that were the case, obviously. I suppose I'm just clutching at straws that it is just a phase. He has been through so many phases before, but this one is offensive and off-putting.

I don't think I'd agree that he has never had male privilege. He may have not had he privilege that other types of people have had (wealth, class, perhaps) but that doesn't mean he hasn't had male privilege in other areas. Being bullied by girls at school doesn't wipe out all aspects of male privilege.

Donna Zuckerberg has some interesting observations about this phenomenon of using classics and faux intellectualism to justify the feeling of white male oppression:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3420810-Donna-Zuckerberg-Social-media-has-elevated-misogyny-to-new-levels-of-violence