Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Men and creepy banter.

59 replies

TheMatriarch · 13/12/2018 10:20

16 yr old dd works in a local pub. We live in a rural village, have know many of the locals for years.
The pub is mainly used by men, aged 35 -70.
She will overhear comments about her bottom and looks etc, her friend gets constant comments about her boobs. This is often from the older customers, fine upstanding members of the community.
It’s all seen as a bit of a lark, harmless fun for men winding down from a day at work.

Dd thinks this is a village thing.
I suspect it’s a nationwide thing, possibly even worldwide, but the comments are creepier because they’re coming from older men who’ve known her from when she was a baby. Comments and looks from strangers in a large town are more easily dismissed and ignored.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 13/12/2018 10:23

I think whether these men know her or not, it's disgusting and inappropriate behaviour and I'm sad that your DD seems to think it's just the way it is. A bit of harmless flirting is entirely different to inappropriate commentary on a young woman's body.

If she DOES know all these men, I'd suggest to her that every time she hears one she says, "Would you say that if my dad was here for a drink with you?" But she shouldn't have to. Frankly, the landlord should be putting a stop to it.

SimplySteve · 13/12/2018 10:28

DD (then 18) was working in a bar/nightclub for a few months. She left because (in the bar) the same middle-aged customers thought the young females were appropriate fodder for their sexualised banter.

DS lives abroad. Same shit.

This is definitely a growing trend, along with racism, disablism and BAME trends.

Original poster
TheMatriarch · 13/12/2018 10:28

The landlord doesn’t care.
It’s almost like the 70s and 80s expectation that waitresses will have their bottoms pinched, and that it’s all a bit of fun.

Dd hates it and knows it’s disgusting, but since she was 12 she gets comments about her body, or people stare. At school (and now college), when out and about, even at the supermarket with me, it’s as if boys and men think they have a right to leer and make comments. It’s disheartening.

OP posts:
Squall · 13/12/2018 10:28

Its crazy what you have to learn to accept as a girl and young woman. It took me twenty years to realise that actually boys trying to undo your bra at school was unacceptable. I just shrugged it off as something that happens.

Original poster
TheMatriarch · 13/12/2018 10:36

Yes, bra pinging and trying to take it off!
At school there was a boy who would jokingly pretend to choke girls, because that’s what they like (no prizes for guessing where that’s come from) - he’s the one person in my life that I’ve had really bad vibes from, and have asked dd to never be alone with him!
School accepted sexual and poor behaviour from boys and would fob us off with “monkey love” (treating girls badly because they like them) and boys will be boys.
Teenagers have very little choice but to put up with it, because it’s so accepted that boys will behave like this. Then people wonder why boys and men often behave like this Hmm

OP posts:
Badgerthebodger · 13/12/2018 10:41

Urgh. These men are just revolting creeps. It’s worse because they’ve known her forever! Horrible, I’m sorry your DD has to put up with such grim sexist bullshit in 2018. I agree with a PP about the dad comment but the best way I found when I was young and working in a pub was to loudly call it out, every single time, along the lines of “What did you say?” And make them repeat their horrible comments to her face. I used to then pull a face and say something like “Right. I’ll get on then”. They weren’t usually brave enough to say it to my face and it did die down after a few weeks.

I wish I could come down with 20 others from this forum and make these horrible men accountable for their disgusting views on young girls. Just grim.

jessstan2 · 13/12/2018 10:43

Totally inappropriate, she is a young girl, not a seasoned adult woman (not that it would be right in that case but as we get older, we learn how to divert such comments).

Bra pinging is awful, I remember from my young days. Didn't imagine it was still going on.

The men need to stop!

Original poster
TheMatriarch · 13/12/2018 10:47

Why will they stop though when it’s being accepted by the general population as being ok?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMatriarch · 13/12/2018 10:49

Hope that doesn’t sound arsey!
I’m so sick of boys and men being defended for their shitty behaviour, and girls not only bearing the brunt of it, but being told it’s ok, and that they’re being dramatic if they make a fuss.

OP posts:
EverardDigby · 13/12/2018 10:49

My DD says no bra pinging any more, I said "that's great!" She said "they ask us for blow jobs in the corridors". Oh.

Girlofgold · 13/12/2018 10:50

Hmmm. Not amongst the men in my domain. However, my FIL friends included a few of these characters and I think growing up there was one or two creeps in a group, the few that liked it and joined in but wouldn't instigate and then the reasonable guys that didn't say shit like that. Having discussed with my brother on what women think are creeps we realised he thought these were the popular guys and felt out of sorts for not being like that. So called fucking "banter". Were in our 40s.

I hope creeps are becoming few and further between.

BlingLoving · 13/12/2018 10:52

I foresee arguments between me and schools in the future. Luckily, DC sjunior school so far is pretty good in terms of behaviour, but I have noticed a few assumptions that I suspect I'll be commenting on at various times in the future. But in high school, I won't be that parent who accepts "boys will be boys". I'm dreading it. But I don't get the sense it's really getting better....

Original poster
TheMatriarch · 13/12/2018 10:56

I’d like to think not in my domain either, but as I hear the names of the wonderful family men, salt of the earth, respectful members of the community talking to their mates about there being “more than a handful there” about a 16 yr old girl, it makes me wonder.
My boys hear about stuff like this from me and dd, so I would hope that they know never to behave like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMatriarch · 13/12/2018 10:59

Everard - ugh! Xmas Angry

OP posts:
Knittink · 13/12/2018 11:00

It's disgusting. The managers should do something about it. I worked as a barmaid in my holidays when I was a student 30 years ago. The landlady threw out a very regular customer for behaving like that towards me.

AngryAttackKittens · 13/12/2018 11:06

When a man who worked with my dad tried this shit on me when I was 13 (...) and I quickly figured out that my being pissed off didn't put him off in the slightest I told him that if he didn't knock it off I'd tell his wife. That stopped it immediately. Might be worth a try.

Not that DD should have to threaten the blokes to make them behave, creepy old gits that they are. Maybe we need to train them via a shock collar around the ballsack that delivers a shock every time they attempt "banter", if they're determined to pretend that they have less sense of appropriate behavior than most dogs.

(Watch that get screenshotted as an example of feminists being eeevil.)

Wordthe · 13/12/2018 11:11

I think calling it out with 'what did you just say'?
is a good strategy

Wordthe · 13/12/2018 11:19

Attackkittens you've reminded me that when I was in my 20s I worked as a cleaner for a couple and the man started trying to chat me up and make suggestions
I was totally bemused by this, it seemed a ludicrous idea that a young woman like me would be interested in this much older and married man
so I told his wife

She was very apologetic and said oh no not this again, he was all 'what??? you told my wife???' I think I just sort of laughed at him and shrugged

I suppose he just assumed that I would feel embarrassed and as if I had 'asked for it' in some way and that would stop me from ratting him out?

Jaxhog · 13/12/2018 11:29

The landlady threw out a very regular customer for behaving like that towards me.

The key here is 'landlady' rather than 'landlord'. He's part of the problem. It's disgusting that this STILL goes on. I thought we'd left this behind 30 years a go.

My only suggestion is for her to wear shapeless clothing or work somewhere else.

SimplySteve · 13/12/2018 11:36

Having discussed with my brother on what women think are creeps we realised he thought these were the popular guys and felt out of sorts for not being like that.

I'm in my 40s too. This highlights exactly what things were like when I went through school. For not "being like that" and being different it was usual to be bullied, punched, kicked, and teachers did fuck all.

Iused2BanOptimist · 13/12/2018 11:46

Both my DD's work in a busy pub. Checking loos is part of the job. I am incensed that men cheerily use the urinal in front of them (Don't mind me is the nearest to an apology let alone restraint). They roll their eyes. I still think it's very bad in front of teen girls.

Wordthe · 13/12/2018 11:49

Using the urinals in front of young women😒
it's a way of softening them up so that they will be receptive to the advances of other men isn't it 😔

deydododatdodontdeydo · 13/12/2018 12:24

They know it's not acceptable in this day and age (sad that it was ever!), but they do it because they can get away with it.
Their peers don't police their actions and the landlord/lady doesn't.
It shouldn't be up to your DD - it's a workplace after all!
I like a traditional pub, but avoid places like like the plague. There are plenty of decent, friendly pubs not dominated by lecherous old men.
If I was your DD I'd resign and tell the landlord why.

HestiaParthenos · 13/12/2018 14:46

If I was your DD I'd resign and tell the landlord why.

This.

I wouldn't want to work in a place where any man would dare behave like this - but even less would I want to work in a place where I know my employer doesn't care!

When will he start caring? When they touch her? When they rape her?

I hope your 16 year old daughter doesn't have to work for a living, so resigning should be rather easy, shouldn't it?

Girlofgold · 13/12/2018 15:22

As her mum I would think I would speak to the landlord or head of pub chain if no joy there.

Swipe left for the next trending thread