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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Engagement rings

116 replies

PerverseConverse · 01/12/2018 09:17

I've just read this and found it interesting. I'd never thought of engagement rings from a feminist point of view.

I'm divorced but still wear mine because it's something I wanted from the moment I went into Tiffany's in New York with my mum and said I'd buy myself one one day. It has no sentimental attachment to it from my exH but it means a lot to me. I've tried wearing it on my right hand but it doesn't fit as well and gives me an itchy rash. I think soap gets stuck under it. Maybe I should have it resized.

I've no intention of ever getting married again and don't care that people will think I'm "taken" as I wear it because I love it and I paid for it.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-45797780

OP posts:
PurpleOva · 01/12/2018 09:39

Meh, if you are going to think that an engagement ring, however you do it personally, is going to be a sign of patriarchal control. You probably aren't going to be the type to get married anyway.

For us it was a sign of commitment, bought many years before we finally got married. It was just a symbol that we were on the same page about where we wanted the relationship to go.

I think both engagement rings, and marriage can be approached from a modern, more personal perspective that reflects the couple in question without necessarily reinforcing the patriarchy. But maybe that is just what I tell myself to justify doing it!

IWasTrendingThereForAMinute · 01/12/2018 09:41

I can't link feminism and engagement rings to be honest.

MutantDisco · 01/12/2018 10:05

I didn't get engaged, we just got married. I probably would have gone for civil partnership nowadays.

I despise the trappings of engagement/marriage, it's all done under the guise of being 'the bride's big day' but it's clearly a form of patriarchal control. I've never fully shaken the uncomfortable feeling I had on my wedding day.

BeanBagLady · 01/12/2018 10:12

I have linked engagement rings and feminism since I was about 14.

sackrifice · 01/12/2018 10:20

I have linked engagement rings and feminism since I was about 14.

Me too. Hence never getting married or engaged.

How is that people do not know this?

If you want it, put a ring on it. Fuck sake.

KinCat · 01/12/2018 10:39

I love my engagement ring and don't view it any differently to my wedding band. We both wear wedding bands as a symbol of our marriage.

TeeJay1970 · 01/12/2018 10:44

It's a visible sign that property has been claimed.

Engaged men never wear them, engaged women nearly always do; therefore it's sexism.

You can't wear one and have a non-sexist wedding. I have no problem with women wearing them - their choice - but don't wear one and claim you're gaving a non-sexist wedding.

Babdoc · 01/12/2018 10:47

I was happily married to my wonderful DH til the day he died, but neither of us had engagement or wedding rings. We both felt they smacked of ownership. We only got married as we needed the tax break - both of us saw it as a patriarchal institution, so we just had a quick minimal ceremony - us, 2 witnesses and a female registrar. No “giving away” etc!

IHaveBrilloHair · 01/12/2018 10:48

Ffs l am a feminist, but some of this stuff puts me right off it, to the point where I'd be reluctant to say it in public.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 01/12/2018 10:48

When my brother got engaged, both he and his fiancee got engagement rings. I guess that's about as close to equality as an engagement ring can get, since both parties were publicly declaring that they are 'taken'.
I do agree with her really, but I still wanted ring. Dh got a nice new watch when I got my ring - joint money paid for them both, since we were living together and had a baby at that point.

AssassinatedBeauty · 01/12/2018 10:51

IHaveBrilloHair what is it that makes you so angry about this? I would have thought it was fairly uncontroversial to point out the patriarchal background to engagement rings, and the idea that some women therefore don't want to wear one.

BeanBagLady · 01/12/2018 10:51

Or make it a mutual thing.
I have nothing against people making a mutual declaration of their love and intention to be a partnership. And of course it is each person’s choice. It is possible to put a little consciousness into the process, which actually makes it more meaningful.

(I don’t wear any rings)

TeeJay1970 · 01/12/2018 10:56

Ihavebrillo

Pick a side.

AnonymousIsAWoman · 01/12/2018 10:59

On a similar note, the notion of a man asking a woman’s father for permission to marry her infuriates me. It is in no way romantic. I am not my father’s property.

Invisible1234 · 01/12/2018 11:00

I don't think in terms of feminism, I just do as I wish. It's your ring and if it makes you happy to wear it, then wear it.

I have 2 engagement rings and I only don't wear them now because they no longer fit me and don't go with the other rings I like to wear now. I haven't stopped wearing other jewelry bought for me by previous partners.

I used to wear a ring on each finger and it would have looked odd if I missed out one finger because that was meant for engagement and wedding rings only.

IfNotNowBernard · 01/12/2018 11:04

Engaged men never wear them, engaged women nearly always do; therefore it's sexism.
Not sure that women doing something they want to do and men not doing it because they have no interest is sexism. It's just difference.
Anyway, dp told me that when I finally propose he wants a ring (and I'd get him one too) so some men will wear them. It won't be a diamond though!

TeeJay1970 · 01/12/2018 11:07

Think a deeper Ifnot.

Why do women want them?

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 01/12/2018 11:08

I think it is a feminist issue and would not wear am engagement or wedding ring

AssassinatedBeauty · 01/12/2018 11:08

Only if you ignore the historical and social context. It's not some weird coincidence that mainly women choose to wear them and men don't.

QuentinWinters · 01/12/2018 11:14

I agree with her.
I'm currently going through separation/divorce and it really irks me now that marriage and engagement is dressed up as a big romantic gesture when the reality with marriage (and used to be with engagement) is that it is a legal contract. I never thought through the implications of that until I tried to get out of it. I think culturally the chat round rings/dresses/flowers serves to obfuscate the fact the woman is essentially coming under control of the man.
And yes, I agree the ring is a very visible symbol of ownership. And we are told we should want to be owned and for other people to know we are owned.

I don't like not having a ring now as it feels like a visible symbol of my failure at marriage.

Gone right off them TBH

AnnaMagnani · 01/12/2018 11:16

I really did link engagement rings and being property and was adamant I didn't want one.

It did feel a bit like being 'owned'. Especially as DH wasn't having one too. Plus it was the first taste of the wedding industry - please spend ££££ on a ring because of a massively successful ad campaign by De Beers.

However DH was working abroad so we were in a long distance relationship so in the end I got one as it made me feel connected. Ended up changing my name for the same reason. Without this, I'm not sure I would have done either.

Ring was my choice however and I have a great big garnet as I wanted a giant rock but did not have diamond money Grin

LassWiADelicateAir · 01/12/2018 11:20

IfNotNowBernard
Engaged men never wear them, engaged women nearly always do; therefore it's sexism
Not sure that women doing something they want to do and men not doing it because they have no interest is sexism. It's just difference

Goodness sake, I don't begin to describe myself as a feminist but an activity which has no objectively logical or biological basis for one sex doing it and the other not doing it but which nevertheles is only done by 1 sex is the very definition of sexism.

I am married. I don't wear a wedding ring, except occasionally when I want to wear the very beautiful engraved Victorian wedding ring which I own. I'm as likely to put it on my right hand as left. I wear whatever ring I fancy/ suits my outfit on my left hand.

IfNotNowBernard · 01/12/2018 11:25

I don't think it is nessecarily lass. Or if it is sexism it's not the kind I can get worked up about, so yes, perhaps that's what I mean. I can't imagine feeling like anyone thought I was a man's property so it doesn't rankle. (For me-everyone has a different perspective )
Why do women want them?
Because they're purdy Grin

pigsinarow · 01/12/2018 11:29

Can someone explain how feminism and engagement rings are NOT linked???

Of course they are - the woman wears one, the man doesn’t. The woman wears one as a visible symbol to show she is taken off the market, the man doesn’t. OK perhaps that’s not exactly why most women wear one these days but that is the origin of an engagement ring and therefore can’t be ignored.

I have been mulling over this a lot recently having got engaged/married myself with no engagement ring (we both wear a wedding band) but am not articulate enough to start a thread or write an article on it myself. I have been waiting for it to be highlighted as to me it is such an obvious feminist issue.

GenderIsAPrison · 01/12/2018 11:30

I have an engagement ring 💍 I love it.
I think i’m A feminist but I don’t go out of my way to label myself one.
I don’t see the conflict with engagement ring or marriage.

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