How men ask for sex

[hdh747]

Ok, I'm not going to ask this on AIBU as I know I'll get told, 'want it up the arse bitch?' is an empowering question.
I'm quite sensitive to how I'm asked for sex, even with a long-term loving partner. Some phrases ( a lot less obviously offensive than my example above) can make me quite cringey or affronted. Eg, 'want a shag?' Now I totally know that I can say I'm not happy with being asked like that so bog off. But this is me trying to get a benchmark, for what other women (who don't find lap-dancing etc empowering since that's just not me) feel. I know I have issues around this, but I also think there's probably a line when, even in a loving relationship, it can feel unintentionally misogynistic.
Opinions please.

Tbh I've never thought about it but now you come to mention it I don't think me and my DH ever directly ask for it, we just use our own funny euphemisms. You're right though, I would find 'fancy a shag' or such like a little uncomfortable at best - unless it was very obviously ironic and jokey.

I quite often ask DH if he fancies a shag in a jokey way. He would never say anything like that to me but he is a much more naturally reserved person than his motormouth wife. I wouldn’t mind if he asked me in a jokey way but if he said it seriously it would be a bit yuck. It’s difficult though isn’t it. For me, if a partner said something like “Let me make love to you” I would find it a total turn off. I prefer the “chancing your arm approach” a bit of heavy petting and not getting the huff if you’re told not tonight dear. But I have seen plenty of times on MN that lots of women hate this. I think each to their own - as long as you’re in a generally loving relationship with mutual respect and you haven’t just had a stinking row about the housework

I think everything changes when the relationship is tricky to navigate. If a man is generally condescending and has the tendency to be a bit unkind then LTB I can completely see how “fancy a shag” would be a much more loaded question

There was a mind boggling thread once entitled something like 'how does your dp initiate sex?' which uncovered the astonishing fact that lots of men do a sort of doggy pelvis jiggling thing which the people on the thread christened 'jack russelling'. It turned out that 1. this is very common and 2. no woman has ever found it attractive.

Years ago ex and I watched a funny film where the male, sleaze, character used to say to his wife in a horrible sleazy drawl 'fancy a little old roll in the hay?' It was sooo cringey and hilarious that we started saying it too. Good thing was it was always said in a jokey way so neither could take offense if the other wasn't interested

That's exactly what my DH does countess or the even worse, touches my feet with his feet which makes my skin crawl (very ticklish and hate my feet being touched) and I move away from him.

Could be why we rarely have sex!

I think with me, it’s not so much the manner of asking that would get to me, it’s the moaning and pressuring if I say no. This goes mainly for when I’ve slept with men in the past, but also women as well, occasionally. I’m not sure I’ve ever seriously been propositioned in an unpleasant or misogynistic way, not in a relationship at least, but if I have then it would’ve been met with refusal. If someone says, ‘fancy a fuck?’ I might take them up on it, or I might refuse. If the refusal wasn’t followed up by being guilted or pressured then it wouldn’t bother me. OTO I can remember times when I’ve been asked perfectly politely and sensitively, then if I have declined I’ve got pestered, or resentment, or guilt tripped. I’m of the mind that you can ask how you like, but no means no, and to keep in mind that the manner of asking might make it less likely you get a shag.

Like applestrudels, neither of us directly ask for it.
One of us might say, "do you fancy something?" or "what are you after"? in a jokey way if we have been kissing for a while.
To ask outright for sex would be weird and off putting.
I can't recall previous BFs being so outright either, although it was a long time ago.
Leg humping - well, we would never have made it as a couple!

Ok. I'm going to need a much more detailed description of "Jack Russeling"
WTF?
Pretty sure I've never encountered this but ir doesn't hurt to be sure.

My ex persisted for years with 'd'you fancy a quick fuck?' To which the answer had to be 'no'. He thought it was funny to phrase it that way, I thought it was demeaning and unpleasant.

I'm an old romantic, I often say, "I'm going to go to sleep in the next half hour, do you fancy a quick shag?" As the old mn adage goes, it's an invitation not a summons.

@ Jack Russeling

13thWarrior Jack Russelling is for example when you’re bent over the washing machine loading it up and the man walks up behind you grabs your hips and starts thrusting your bottom in the hope of seduction. In the manner of a jack russell jumping your leg.
It is right up there in terms of seduction techniques with Willie helicoptering. I had a boyfriend that did both. Note I said had.
Thankfully dh does neither we go for the daft in jokes and euphemisms approach.

If it’s before bed time we’ll say “shall we get it out of the way so we don’t have to bother later?” and if we’re waiting until bedtime DP will usually say “someone’s in trouble tonight” or he’ll tell me I’ve got “that look in my eye” or that he can tell that I want it because I’m breathing or awake, or I’ve got boobs or something.

I’m a staunch feminist but something about sex makes me go completely the other way and I find his playful domineering a bit sexy. If he says “I’m going to take you upstairs and do xyz/unspeakable things to you” I go all weak at the knees. If he tried being all respectful about it I don’t know how I’d feel?! I guess if it went along the lines of “I’ve missed having your hands on me” I’d be ok, but if he ever said he wanted to make sweet love to me without a hint of irony I’d have to LTB.

Rare to put it into words. Extended eye contact and a snog sealed the deal about 99 X out of 100. 'Fancy an early night' or 'how tired are you' for a more subtle approach...

I think context is everything really, in two ways.
Firstly what gets you off is personal and in a long term relationship they ought to have a pretty good idea what you like and what you don't, whether that be kinky dominant stuff or 'fancy a shag?' or 'you look beautiful, can we make love?'. If they're habitually doing or saying something you have made it quite clear you don't like, that's a problem, even if the words themselves are innocent enough.
And secondly is it an appropriate moment? If they know you have a raging headache or haven't slept for a week or you have just had that big row about housework, just about any approach can make you feel objectified and shitty because if they were aware of you as a human being they really should have noticed you weren't going to be up for it.
I honestly think this is far more important than what is inherently said. Sure, some lines are pornified and might reveal all sorts of deeply dubious connections to sexual violence if you analyse them, but in a non-abusive context where both partners are into it, even that can be part of fun sex rather than a misogynistic attempt to degrade.

Never really given this much thought. DH is an amazing man, very aware of feminist issues.

Sex tends to either come spontaneously from other intimate contact, or if we're in bed and not currently one of us will rub the bottom of the other. If the partner takes your hand and pulls you into a cuddle it's a no, otherwise it goes from there.

So we don't ask but we're very good at reading cues but part of that is probably down to how long we've been together.

This thread reminds me of being a child and my parents saying "We are going for a lay down, just for half hour. Would you mind watching the little ones?"

I’m not sure either of us ever asks for sex. We just try our luck with a kiss and see where it leads.

I agree that there are some pretty repulsive ways to ask and none of them would work on me.

Ok, I'm not going to ask this on AIBU as I know I'll get told, 'want it up the arse bitch?' is an empowering question

It's been a long day and this has made my evening!

In actual response to your question, we don't really say anything. One of us tries our luck and see what happens. Sort of spooning leading to forking.

This is an interesting thread and it's made me realise that my DP who I love dearly has never actually "asked" for sex, ever. I can just tell in the way he kisses me. If I feel "it" too then we're on, if I don't it's not.

I think a few times after a lot of good kissing I've said "make love to me" but only after it's pretty obvious that's where it's going. So I've never "asked" either. It's all in the body language.

This, what, doggy humping thing haa no not come across that with him or previous exes.

I remember my ex ended up kind of really putting me off him because he liked a BJ in the morning and to begin with I was OK about that but he'd ask for it by basically not getting out of bed and just looking up at me with puppy eyes or reaching out to pull me back into bed regardless if I only had 15 to get ready and out the door.... He just wouldn't get out of bed. It was really annoying.

Jack Russelling is for example when you’re bent over the washing machine loading it up and the man walks up behind you grabs your hips and starts thrusting your bottom in the hope of seduction. In the manner of a jack russell jumping your leg.

Sounds... romantic

Any attempt to grope or even kiss me whilst I'm clearly busy trying to get something else done, really pisses me off and pretty much guarantees I won't be in the mood later either .

Jack Russelling

(not envy!)

Jack Russelling men probably moan down the pub "My wife doesn't understand me"

Any attempt to grope or even kiss me whilst I'm clearly busy trying to get something else done, really pisses me off and pretty much guarantees I won't be in the mood later either
Oh god yes . It's always while your washing up or makimg pack lunches or something drives me fucking crazy. And apologies for tmi but there's certain times if the month where this " romantic gesture" bloody hurts.

Hate it with a fucking passion