How men ask for sex

[hdh747]

Ok, I'm not going to ask this on AIBU as I know I'll get told, 'want it up the arse bitch?' is an empowering question.
I'm quite sensitive to how I'm asked for sex, even with a long-term loving partner. Some phrases ( a lot less obviously offensive than my example above) can make me quite cringey or affronted. Eg, 'want a shag?' Now I totally know that I can say I'm not happy with being asked like that so bog off. But this is me trying to get a benchmark, for what other women (who don't find lap-dancing etc empowering since that's just not me) feel. I know I have issues around this, but I also think there's probably a line when, even in a loving relationship, it can feel unintentionally misogynistic.
Opinions please.

More than one man in my lifetime, not more than one man at a time

There was a mind boggling thread once entitled something like 'how does your dp initiate sex?' which uncovered the astonishing fact that lots of men do a sort of doggy pelvis jiggling thing which the people on the thread christened 'jack russelling'. It turned out that 1. this is very common and 2. no woman has ever found it attractive.

??! I don't think there's any man in the world so attractive that I wouldn't find that actively offputting. Are you supposed to pat them on the head and offer them a doggy biscuit afterwards? I'd be tempted to point towards the dog's kennel and say "stay".

One of my friends owns an actual Jack Russell who seemingly finds me very attractive.

I’m a habitual floor-sitter but at their house I sit on the sofa.

weloveheyduggie, he's got some cheek, you're dealing with small children on your own and he rocks up expecting to be serviced?i hope you can successfully ingore his mantrum.

Jack Russelling... - not envy

I think in long relationships a shorthand is aften found, as you say, OP. My first (late) husband had all sorts of strange ideas when we first moved in together; things like it was rude to ask unless I'd indicated interest by putting a sexy nighty on - given that I didn't even own a sexy nighty that was rather inexplicable. I blame boarding school TBH. Pretty soon though nothing ever needed to be said explicitly, we'd just exchange that look. But at times our sex life was tricky (small children, when he was having cancer treatment etc..) it was important to be able to talk about it and laugh about it and be really honest, and we could.

Now in my second marriage, sex is initiated by flirting, or occasionally 'quick, the teenagers are out, the baby is asleep, I'll race you to bed!' DH likes to whisper sweet nothings the whole way through which is very different from my first marriage but I discovered I rather like, though I would hate it if he said cringey thngs. Basically, if it has ever been said in a porn film then I don't want it said in our bedroom, I think. But he feels the same - he's all for the romance, ather than talking about the sex itself. I do sometimes find the talking distracting and tell him to shhh and concentrate on what he's doing.

The only time either of us had said something that left the other affronted was caused by me when we were about to DTD for first time. I was incredibly nervous and asked if we could just shag and get it over with. He stood up and said that didn't sound like enthusiasm so, actually, no. We should take the expectation off ourselves and just enjoy our weekend away sans sex. I think his honesty in that moment was very important to our relationship, actually, and learning with each other that if the other one says something that feels a bit off, for whatever reason, it's good to stop and deal with it immediately.

Read some of these to DH last night and he said he wanted to apologise on behalf of all the Jack Russelling men, that hearing this kind of thing makes him embarrassed to be a man and what women have to put up. Some of the other posts made us hoot.

Both your husbands always sound so lovely Somerville (I remember following the thread where you fell for number two). Always cheers me up to know there are some lovely men out there.

The “how tired are you? Aappeoach combined with “are the kids asleep yet/still asleep?” variants are deployed here if asking is needed, but often its not.

This is actually a massive deal in my relationship, and probably the main reason why our sex life is practically zero.

Oh just doesn’t get that “fancy a shag”, groping my boobs in the kitchen, or doing the jack russell thing makes my ovaries shrivel up and my legs clench shut. Neither does asking for a hug, when every fucking time a “hug” is his way of trying to get close enough to grab my bum or boobs in an attempt to initiate sex.

Part of the problem is I actually have no idea what would work. Oh has a tongue tie so kissing isn't wonderful which is always how stuff got started with previous bf. He does try so hard but we’ve found nothing and he just resorts to the familiar.

So reading this thread with interest.

With DH it’s an eye contact/how we kiss thing. Sometimes he asks me to dance round the kitchen (not verbally, he holds out his hands then, we dance, then we kiss).

The two ex’s I had the best chemistry with, one used to pick me up and kiss me (he was very tall). The other used to kiss the back of my neck. Don’t think I ever declined any requests like that, not sure if they both had good timing or if the manner of approach was successful in itself.

More than one man in my lifetime, not more than one man at a time
Just as well, Eresh, or you might have been listening to the lot of them having a natter about the footy.

Sex?, blimey I've forgotten now;(.