DH showed his true colours today

[serenawren]

We were at the shopping centre and we walked past a group of early teen boys who had spotted a girl that they took a fancy to. One of the boys made some motion to his friends to signify that he was getting a hard on. Of course, I was disgusted and told DH that if DS did anything like that, I’d be really upset. He just laughed and said ‘boys will be boys’
I said that is not an excuse for anything, we’ll just carry on letting men assault women because hey, boys will be boys 🙄
Then, he had the fucking audacity to ask me if I was due my period. A few harsh words were said and once we were home, he asked if I was still huffing with him. I said no, but I do think we need to talk about it later once DS is in bed and he says ‘really? You’ve been in poor form all day and I don’t know why’
WHAT?
We had a really nice day! Wtf? I asked how, and he couldn’t say, just I’ve been moody. What a ridiculous diversion tactic.
Does anyone know of any good articles in which I can show my DH which could potentially explain this better than I can? TIA

No, but they're making divorce much easier...

Talk to him about setting a good example for your son and how condoning poor disrespectful behaviour by anyone is setting a very poor example.

Would he be OK with that behaviour towards you?
Would he be OK with that behaviour towards your daughter, his mum, his sister?

Explain how it makes you FEEL to know he doesn't support you in rejecting this behaviour by men.

I would feel unsafe around him - when you should be trusting him.

Tell him you thought he was one of the good ones and he's destroyed that.

Did the boys approach the girl at all, or have you reacted to a private interaction between the boys?

If the former I think you are right, if the latter I think you are wrong.

It's so bloody tiring, isn't it? I spent a long time educating my children, but I feel like I'm at work all the time trying to show DP the extent of the bullshit.

He still does the 'Are you/is she due on?' He still doesn't understand the extent of the damage his words do to his daughter's self esteem. I get so tired of bringing him up on it, and he rarely engages and his initial response when I speak is always eyerolling and "Here we go again" stuff.

He has told you he thinks such banter and behaviour is acceptable.

It's actually a good thing that he has shown you his true opinion of women. Good luck with trying to change that.

Would it really hurt boys to be respectful to women/girls in their ‘private’ interactions as well as publically though Milk?

This website may be of use to you, but I'm guessing that you will be talking to a brick wall - after all you are a woman so your opinions will be of little value

link here

I understand the impulse, but would looking up articles really help?

Giving him "homework" to do on the subject could make him dig his heels in and get more defensive.

Calm, sad and honest answers from you will hopefully be more effective in trying to tell him.

But I don't think any man will ever really totally "get" what it is to be a woman and to have to face the "boys will be boys" mentality in society, and everything behind it.

You could ruminate at him on the irony of women being called emotionally unstable when actually it’s men who do 98% of the ‘losing it to the point of violence’ stuff.

You could ask him what actions he takes in his daily routine to avoid being sexually assaulted by men. Then contrast with yours.

It wasn’t a private interaction between the boys - it was in a public place and OP saw it. That’s public, not private.

@Hidingtonothing - absolutely, but the human race isn't like that. Everybody talks about people in less than respectful ways all the time.

I think getting pissed off at people's private conversations is a bit "thought police".

Have you heard teenage girls recently 😂.

The difference with girls is they’re not vocalising harmful, misogynistic attitudes women have been battling for centuries. The only way we stop those attitudes is to educate our boys so I totally see OP’s point. I’m not sure it’s ‘thought policing’ to expect women and girls to be seen as human beings rather than sex objects.

I have a teenage daughter and while her and her friends are very loud and giggly out of school, there is nothing disrespectful to other people and they know how to conduct themselves in public.

So, yes, I have heard teenage girls Milk and I would hate the thought of any of them being subject to sexist sexual objectification in a public place or elsewhere

The difference with girls is they’re not vocalising harmful, misogynistic attitudes

Males find females sexually attractive - is that really misogynistic?

@KataraJean - you know very different teenage girls to me then.

Males find females sexually attractive - is that really misogynistic?

No it’s not. Gesturing at their genitalia as like a troop of hooting chimps as said female passes by is though.

Not at all, if it’s a private reaction to an attractive person. Sharing that with his friend turns it into something which could have caused embarrassment, upset and/or fear to the girl had she seen it and isn’t an attitude we should be condoning in our young men. I have a DD, no idea whether you do Milk but if you do is this (and everything else which goes along with the objectification of women) really what you want for her?

Thanks everyone, I'm not going to give up changing this mindset that unfortunately a lot of men still have. DS is still very young so I have time. I don't want to give up and not bother for him to then project this mindset to DS.

I agree I fully intend to have a conversation with him about it, just wanted to read up to find the most succinct way of putting it.

We can only do our best with educating, it definitely doesn't mean turn a blind eye to it because 'they'll never get it'.

Gesturing at their genitalia as like a troop of hooting chimps as said female passes by is though.

I totally agree with that, but there's no indication in the OP that that is what happened. I did ask, but the OP didn't reply.

@beenandgoneandbackagain thanks, this is exactly what I was looking for!

Referencing your genitals when in public is wrong. I don’t care who you are or how much you want to friends to hear about your penis, you don’t do it in public where other people, including children, can see or hear.

Well the OP saw it MilkTwoSugars, so clearly it wasn’t a private gesture only visible to the other boys in the group.

This short film, linked on another thread, may help him see the problem?
plan-uk.org/act-for-girls/street-harassment

something to watch

and

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks I don't know if the girl saw it, but I certainly did and I'm sure others would've and I found it intimidating and uncomfortable. Having this 'banter' amongst friends, whether it's witnessed by anyone else or not, reinforces that behaviour within that group which will keep carrying on if no one educates them about these issues.

Wow, your husband is a prick. Sorry. I’m glad your DS has one parent to educate him.