DH showed his true colours today

[serenawren]

We were at the shopping centre and we walked past a group of early teen boys who had spotted a girl that they took a fancy to. One of the boys made some motion to his friends to signify that he was getting a hard on. Of course, I was disgusted and told DH that if DS did anything like that, I’d be really upset. He just laughed and said ‘boys will be boys’
I said that is not an excuse for anything, we’ll just carry on letting men assault women because hey, boys will be boys 🙄
Then, he had the fucking audacity to ask me if I was due my period. A few harsh words were said and once we were home, he asked if I was still huffing with him. I said no, but I do think we need to talk about it later once DS is in bed and he says ‘really? You’ve been in poor form all day and I don’t know why’
WHAT?
We had a really nice day! Wtf? I asked how, and he couldn’t say, just I’ve been moody. What a ridiculous diversion tactic.
Does anyone know of any good articles in which I can show my DH which could potentially explain this better than I can? TIA

I don’t do ‘serious talks’ with DH about stuff like this OP, it’s counter productive because he struggles not to see it as personal criticism. Instead I drop little things into conversation when the opportunity arises, personal anecdotes about things that have happened to me or family/friends, things I’ve read etc and then leave the cogs to turn. I also verbalise my internal risk assessments to him, so if I have to travel somewhere I’ll do all that ‘which car park is busiest and best lit’ or ‘I’d better book a taxi rather than risking finding one’ thinking aloud so he realises what we have to do to stay safe.

It’s a slow process, changing ingrained attitudes, but we should all be doing whatever we can if we want our DD’s and DGD’s to have better than the shit most of us have had to put up with.

Have you heard teenage girls recently.

But it's not the same. I'm not excusing them. It's disrespectful and they shouldn't do it.

But would a boy be worried about his physical safety? Would he be worried that they might follow him? Would he make sure that he merges with a crowd, or goes into a shop, or sticks with his friends, or avoids the short cut through the alley to the bus stop? All those things that women and girls do every single day to avoid being sexually assaulted.

No.
Bowl 's right.
And that's the difference.

@AtrociousCircumstance in the 5 years I've known him, he has never once shown this type of behaviour before, so I'm hoping it's not as deep rooted as it is in other men. We're 50/50 in all aspects of our lives, he does as much of the childcare as I do, as much of the housework etc.

He has since apologised but I'm not entirely convinced he knows what he's apologising for!

@Hidingtonothing that's a really good idea. I do want to explain to him what I was the most upset about, but I will make sure it won't turn into a lecture.

This is pretty effective...https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=37&v=sdn15-t7kg0

I do drip drip drip with my children and avoid big talks as they don't get it. Maybe same would work with DH?

Pointing to an erection isn't the same as saying to friends I'd like to ask her on a date surely.

Have you seen the new campaign in Australia against casual sexism? They're very short videos, but rejecting the "boys will be boys" mantra.

www.respect.gov.au/the-campaign/campaign-materials/

Annoying isn't it? I don't know of any articles about this subject but you could say that no, your period isn't due, you're just being a shit and that applies whichever time of the month it is. Repeat ad nauseum until he gets the message.

I think you're in cloud cuckoo land if you don't thing that girls in groups exhibit misandrist attitudes too. Not to say that either is right. And not to say that the impact on boys is anywhere near that of the impact on girls. But I don't like this blanket tarnishing of boys when girls can be and are just as bad.

I'd be annoyed about the period comment though.

Milk, you didn't ask if the boys were gesturing at their genitalia, you asked if they approached the girl, which is a different question.

I'd be really fucked off with my DP if he did this, both 'boys will be boys' and the frankly insulting question about your period.

That may be true Milk so maybe stop with the casual generalisations.

@ferrier I never once discussed the attitudes of girls, and that's because I don't know what teenage girls attitudes are these days; I never really have too much interaction with females who aren't my age. When have I done any blanket tarnishing?

Try this twitter thread:
twitter.com/JuliusGoat/status/1048547179193946112

Reverses it round men being kicked in the nuts and contains some gems like girls being girls and just can't help kicking men in the nuts.

@serenawren Sorry, my comment wasn't addressed to you but to some others on the thread.
Agree with the drip drip approach though.

So...:

• You had an opinion (if DS did...)
• He had an opinion (boys will be boys)
• You belittled him (we'll carry on just...)
• He belittled you (period..)
• You 'told him off' (harsh words)
• He blamed you (huffing)
• You threatened another telling off (need to talk about it)
• He blamed you again (poor form)

Honestly, you're as bad as each other.

No one is perfectly nice/calm/woke-enough/banterish-enough/funny-enough/chilled/whatever ALL of the time. You both just need to break the cycle of being a dick back and forth to each other if someone happens to fuck up.
It doesn't matter who, though be nice if you both try on the odd occasion necessary.

@MrsBethel thanks, you have a valid point and I'll take that on board

#DearDaddy does it for me and is my pinned tweet.

If a teenage girl were to do something similar within sight or earshot of an adult, nobody would be saying girls will be girls.

Ask him if he's going through an early male menopause because the only men who thinks like he does are either elderly or going through a hormonal crisis. He's obviously not a teenager. He's obviously not elderly. Male menopause.

If my partner ever said boys will be boys and is doing 50% childcare I'd be worried. He needs lecture and he needs one now.

Oh an no @ on here. It's not the done thing.

I have a teenage boy and while him and his friends out of school can be annoying and loud there is nothing disrespectful to other people and they know how to conduct themselves in public.

I don’t normally do the “but what about the menz” but from what I see and hear girls can be just as disrespectful in public as boys can. However I agree that some boys have learnt bad behaviour.

very off topic but you've hooked me in, how would I mention someone on a post without @?

Just to say OP, I absolutely didn't mean "turn a blind eye" when I said I don't think men can really get it. Sorry if that's what came across?

I just meant that showing him articles online probably wouldn't be as effective as talking to him.

I also think that it's really normal for even "nice caring 50/50 parenting" men to not really "get it" deep down.

I expect all we can ever do is keep talking and keep trying to share our experiences.

This is the one I’ve shown to DS - Guante