Someone help me hold my arms up...

[FloralBunting]

...because they are flagging under the weight of parenting a troubled daughter amongst all the other stuff.

I'm posting this here, rather than elsewhere on MN, because I'm reasonably sure to get a decent amount of genuinely compassionate responses from GC women.

As some of you know, my daughter is struggling with 'trans identity' issues and has been for sometime. She had a really wobbly episode this evening, and DP is handling it all very poorly. He's probably dealing with some depression himself, but he is appallingly defensive about everything, and is taking my daughter's mental state as an attack on him.

So she's sobbing this evening about how much she hates her body as it is, and shouting at everyone, and I am trying to hold everything together after three night shifts, and instead of trying to help me, or support me, or even just make a cup of tea, DP has gone to bed because he's tired and sick of the drama.

Well, yeah, it's not very entertaining in our house right now. But I don't get to check out. A CAHMS appointment is coming up next week and it will be me going, of course. I am buckling under the weight of this and all the other normal day to day stuff and work stress.

floral, it sounds very, very hard.

No advice other than keep handling it how have been. Have a gentle inmumsnetty hug as well.

Oh that sounds so hard.

How old is your DD?

I'm afraid my response if I was in your situation would probably not help but I'd turn it back on them.

Floral hugs and hugs

Must be unbelievably hard Floral. Wish I could say/do something helpful. I spent the last year as a carer and know how it feels to be the one holding up the world; even more so when it's your child. Hugs to you.

Floral - wish I could get you a real

FloralBunting - from your postings here you conduct yourself with calm and dignity so I can't imagine how disruptive this is for you.

Whether you respond to the drama or not, it will rage about and around you. Please practise self-compassion and look after yourself.

Floral

Sending you a shoulder to lean on, Floral. and also , , , - whatever helps.

Oh it sounds very much to carry alone when you need a team to deal with dd and

So sorry you are dealing with this. What do you think was the trigger for your daughter? I’m wondering if the pending CAMHS appointment has created this wobble or maybe her period? Whatever it is, I would try not to reinforce her wobble and act as normal in the morning. I hope you sleep well. A big cry helps me.

What Arranfan said, hope things settle down soon

There's a saying "you are only as happy as your least happy child" which always rings true for me.

Funnily enough, I've never heard it said to a father.

I've been through very troubling times with one of my children (not gender dysphoria, but I've felt equally helpless) and we've come out the other side now - but it's difficult to cope with anything at all whilst you have a child in pain. It's agony - I feel that I can deal with any of my own problems now - but when it's my child - it's utterly disabling.

Women are the ones who are never able to just check out, to go to bed because they've had enough, women are usually the ones holding it all together. We seem to carry the mental load.

Sending you much strength, sister

Aw, babes. I wish we all lived closer so I could go over with a pot of soup and offer hugs and practical support.

Your DP needs to step up and help you more.

They're all abed now. Just me with that horrible post-cry shuddering chest thing. I'm going to employ some self care tomorrow when they're all out at work and school and I have the luxury of no work and no need to go anywhere at all. Bath, comfort food and Netflix probably.

oh floral

Look after yourself

Floral I shall be grand and use the royal we because I think it applies: We've got you. We hear you. There are many strong arms here to help you get through this.

Yes we've got you, as best we can .

If it's any small tiny scrap of consolation, I put my mum through absolute hell as a adolescent (I'm sure many of us did) - how on earth she survived it I have no idea. My self-loathing was visceral and pathological; she was justifiably terrified of losing me. But I survived it because of her. Her consistency and unwavering love meant that not only did I get through it (with professional help), but I've gone on and flourished. We now have the best mother-daughter relationship that I know of, and I spoil her rotten .

If I was an adolescent now I have little doubt that I would have been swept up in this trans cult, and the thought horrifies me. Protecting girls who are similarly vulnerable is my main motivation for being so committed to this issue.

So hang in there, a day at a time. We're all fighting for you, even if we can't be with you in person for and and hugs.

I'm sorry Floral. You are supported by us, even if you're not feeling it IRL

Hi Floral

I / we hear you xxx

I don't know what to say on the support front. My son has dyspraxia with a huge sidr order of anxiety. He nearly became a school refuser in y8 (beforr he was finally diagnosed) and he had a shitty gcse year. My husband ..... he thinks that I forced a diagnosis out of the system, that they did that to shut me up 😮 . And that my son isn't dyspraxic at all.

I hear you on the lack of support. I have walked in similar shoes. On Monday I did the same. It helps me stay sane, you can't pour from an empty cup xx

Sorry to hear you had a troubled night along with your daughter, FloralBunting.

We're all here to help in any way we can (I know that's going to be precious little for some of us).

you definitely need to make sure yuo do self care, mental health breaks, etc. try not to feel guilty for taking time out when you "should" be doing xyz. you need to have the mental resources to keep the whole show on the road.

you also need dp to manage some of the stressors, if that is not dealing with dd's emotions etc he needs to pull his weight somewhere else. (eg housework, organising stuff etc)