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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Someone help me hold my arms up...

60 replies

FloralBunting · 19/09/2018 23:24

...because they are flagging under the weight of parenting a troubled daughter amongst all the other stuff.

I'm posting this here, rather than elsewhere on MN, because I'm reasonably sure to get a decent amount of genuinely compassionate responses from GC women.

As some of you know, my daughter is struggling with 'trans identity' issues and has been for sometime. She had a really wobbly episode this evening, and DP is handling it all very poorly. He's probably dealing with some depression himself, but he is appallingly defensive about everything, and is taking my daughter's mental state as an attack on him.

So she's sobbing this evening about how much she hates her body as it is, and shouting at everyone, and I am trying to hold everything together after three night shifts, and instead of trying to help me, or support me, or even just make a cup of tea, DP has gone to bed because he's tired and sick of the drama.

Well, yeah, it's not very entertaining in our house right now. But I don't get to check out. A CAHMS appointment is coming up next week and it will be me going, of course. I am buckling under the weight of this and all the other normal day to day stuff and work stress.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 20/09/2018 07:12

I’m also sending a hug, Floral. Coping with adolescents is tough at the best of times, let alone with the extra trans issue and your DH not sharing the load.
Is there any way you could get your DD to a gender critical feminist counsellor? Because millions of teen girls hate their developing bodies and the fact that they are becoming visible potential victims of patriarchy.
Who in their right mind would be happy to “identify” with the gruesome vision of womanhood portrayed in porn and the media?
Who wants the pain and mess of periods, the risk of sexual assault, the discrimination in career prospects, etc etc?
I think your DD needs feminism much more than she needs any encouragement towards the trans pathway of sterility, drugs and mutilating surgery.
Try to catch up on some sleep, even if it’s just catnaps between stressing. You will be exhausted with all this, and it’s hard to remain calm or make good decisions when you’re running on empty.
Try to get out of the house, and offload some of your strain on a good friend or relative, who can give you a real life hug and some support.
I hope the situation begins to improve for your whole family soon, that DD matures and gains some insight into why she hates her body, and DH apologised and steps up to take his share of dealing with his daughter.
My prayers and good wishes, Floral. God bless.

HotRocker · 20/09/2018 07:14

Oh Floral, hugs to you and your DD. We get to deal with all the shit don’t we? If all the women of the world just said fuck it and went to bed I think the world would end. I hope CAAMHS are more helpful Than adult mental health.

Exasperatedtherapist · 20/09/2018 07:24

💐💐💐💐to you Flora. It will get better (almost always does).
PM me if you’re in/around London and would like to be linked in to GC therapists.
Enjoy sofa, hot drinks & Netflix today!

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 20/09/2018 07:42

Ive got nothing useful to say floral

They say its worse before the dawn but fuck me can dawn be a long time coming!!!

Hopefully your daughter will have calmed down slightly after her wobble, I appreciate someone said about counseling for her but is anyone giving you and your husband real life support and counseling

Freinds of mine are going through similar, their son seems to be quite content but it has/is causing problems for the other members of the family

Im in hampshire so if there is anything useful i can do like a chocolate or flower delivery...i can also drop to a a PO box Smile (do we have them in this country? Not sure we do now ive said that)

TonnoEMaionese · 20/09/2018 07:46

also drop to a a PO box smile (do we have them in this country? Not sure we do now ive said that)

Equivalent is probably an Amazon locker these days..

Floral, I don't know what I can say, except I hear you - take the time you can today to give yourself some of your own headspace.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 20/09/2018 07:49

Do you kmow what... i thought that tonno but its not got the same ring

Beamur · 20/09/2018 07:52

Hope CAHMS can help. My DD had counselling via CAHMS for anxiety and it made such a difference for her.

ChattyLion · 20/09/2018 08:00

Flowers Floral your daughter is so lucky to have you to help her. Hang in there.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 20/09/2018 08:02

I found this for my daughter, im not one for memes but i think maybe if fits you as well

Someone help me hold my arms up...
FlippinFumin · 20/09/2018 08:03

Floral Flowers

My DD had an awful time as an adolescent. We both went through the mill. Not with gender issues (they weren't really a thing back then) but issues because she was a female. She always says she appreciates that I stood by her, that when she threw a coffee table and its contents across the room I just hugged her. She now spoils me rotten, unfortunately we don't agree on gender issues. She thinks I am on the wrong side of history. I think she is.

And she also won't let me have a coffee table in the living room grin]

Hang in there, it is hard going through it, and even when she is settled you won't be able to for years. Sending you strength, you already have wisdom and love.

Starkstaring · 20/09/2018 08:29

Floral - going through something similar, although my daughter is older. Dealing with mental ill health in your child is really horrible, especially so when ideology has replaced clinical evidence. I do hope CAMHS are helpful.
You are obviously so strong and a fighter, your DP is taking advantage of the fact that he knows you will keep going. Which isn't fair on you.
I had a period of mental illness which stemmed from my DD's mental health problems (preceding the trans announcement). In some ways it was helpful because DH had to go to appointments with DD and do the difficult things. It was good for all of us.
All the best to you.

Anlaf · 20/09/2018 08:40

Cake to you floral (and your dd)

A little like posters upthread I was a difficult, eating disordered, rebellious teen. Actually, with a defensive, emotion-checking-out-of pa.

But my mum was wonderful. And we got through.

May Netflix bring you peace.

BernardBlacksWineIcelolly · 20/09/2018 08:40

Flowers Floral

I hope you get that bath, Netflix and comfort food today

May I recommend Anne with an E (seaon 1, it gets a bit woke in season 2) and macaroni cheese?

LangCleg · 20/09/2018 08:54

More love and empathy from me too, Floral. Why do men think they can just check out of this stuff for a bit when they want to? Even the good ones do it.

My oldest had a hard time for a while during adolescence and the low level hum of it doesn't leave you even when it's not crisis moment, does it?

I second the recommendation of Anne with an E (first series) if you haven't seen it already. It's lovely.

Flowers
placemats · 20/09/2018 09:03

Sending support and hugs across the internet.

Make today a day for a relaxing bath, comfort food/drink and TV.

Flowers
MsMcWoodle · 20/09/2018 09:03

Sorry to hear this Floral. Sending you my support and just wanted to tell you that your posts are really good value. I know you are doing a great job.

birdbandit · 20/09/2018 09:12

You will get through this.

This is all shit, and I wish I knew what to suggest, what action would magically make this better.

All I can suggest is to try as hard as you can to make your presence, your company a warm and comforting place for YOU and your child. If you achieve that, then your child will value you and your guidance.

Massive hugs from me to you.

BeUpStanding · 20/09/2018 09:14

Flowers for all the mums and Flowers for all the girls, including us when we were young. Women are amazing.

Hope you got some sleep Floral x

OvaHere · 20/09/2018 09:19

[Flowers] Floral

I'm having a hard time with my DS albeit for different reasons. As other posters have said the daily grind really wears you down and you are always on alert for the next crisis point.

I hope things are a little better today.

OvaHere · 20/09/2018 09:20

flowers fail, please have some more Flowers

gendercritter · 20/09/2018 09:40

Flowers for you. I struggled so much as a teen with my body and have very much come out the other side if that helps the tiniest bit. You sound like a great mum.

Wrathofjurgenklop · 20/09/2018 09:49
Flowers Hang in there Floral, you are the best person to handle this situation. You may not feel this at the moment but your thoughtful posts on MN indicate you are a strong wise woman. May the road rise with you.
stillathing · 20/09/2018 10:19

floral i agree with other posters here. you do sound like a great mum. i hope you are enjoying some time alone today. and don't do the stuff you need your partner to do for you, the housework or tea making. if you don't do it, its not being done will act as a visual prompt to kick him into action. hopefully!

Forgotthebins · 20/09/2018 11:47

Floral Flowers. You write such great articulate posts which have really helped my thinking, I had no idea you are also living through this. I know what it feels like to support a child (though on a different issue) and it can be all consuming so Cake and Wine. I can't do much else for you from a distance so I made the donation to FPFW that I've been meaning to for a while.

KittyKlawsReturns · 20/09/2018 13:49

Floral - I find these boards hard sometimes and I am not living through it like you. How your children feel affects you so much and in addition to work etc. I echo everyone else and say you should look after yourself. I enjoy your posts very much you have a most unique and difficult perspective (in that you are experiencing this first hand). Thank you for your posts - we are here to support you and your daughter is lucky to have you there for her Flowers

(a ps: I too have noticed that men can check out/go to bed/ go out for a bit but women must continue to carry on - so extra Flowers for that.