Protecting children (sons) from the influence of porn

[ConcernedMim]

I have posted this in Feminism Chat because I want to protect my sons and I want to protect girls they might date as they get older. They are currently pre-school / primary school age.

So, I have never watched / seen much porn. I’m a woman in my 40s. Many years ago I saw the odd video at a friend’s house and it seemed to me to be bored women being shagged over the kitchen counter by the pizza delivery guy they’d let into the house 2 mins earlier. Not my cup of tea but didn’t seem massively harmful to viewers (although I know the women involved may not have had many choices).

But I have read that porn has changed - it’s more violent and more misogynistic. Or maybe it always was but I never saw it. It’s also easier to access due to the internet. And the damage that can do to girls, and to boys.

My children are young but I assume at some point their friends will introduce them to porn or they’ll find it themselves. How do I help them see that it’s not a realistic view of sex? I can’t imagine they’ll listen to their mum. Obviously I’ll try to talk about consent, and I already do (‘stop tickling your brother, he’s not enjoying it anymore’) but will that be enough? I try to encourage friendships with girls but the older one isn’t really interested, he just wants to be friends with boys.

Their dad and I are married and I don’t think he uses porn. If that’s relevant.

Anyone got any advice for me? Thank you.

And the teenage mind is not built for self control. Once they’ve had fun with porn they will not think oh I can live without it now, they will want to masturbate to it all the time. A lot of self discovery happens in the teenage years. They WILL seek it out. Why you would want them to give them the easiest means to do so is beyond me.

Captainproton

I get you are concerned about porn and the internet, but you seem to have a really extreme, borderline obsessive fear about the result of letting your children access electronic devices. Hundreds of thousands of children use personal electronic devices every day and manage to NOT get groomed, NOT become porn addicts and NOT send pictures of their genitals to strange men in the Philippines.

I'm 100% behind you in the sentiment that you are there to be your children's parent, not their friend, however like most things in life, moderation is key.

What your proposing is so extreme that your children will be social pariahs.

Your call, but I'd maybe ease off a bit if I were you. You can still control their use of devices without being so Draconian.

When people say 'your kids will hate you' they definitely will, but you'll probably make them hate themselves and their lives as well.

@captainproton

Personally I am not letting them have smartphones / iPods or internet enabled devices until they are 16 and finished their GCSEs.

You will struggle with that.

My youngest has just finished year 7. In secondary school, not only are they able to keep their phones with them. Even if they don't have their own they will be able to see others but they also use their phones to research the internet during lessons.

As well as managing their social interactons.

I assume your children are very young at the moment. Hopefully you will realise your position is untenable at best and damaging at worst by the time they are older.

How do I help them see that it’s not a realistic view of sex?

The porn that is available nowadays is not simply unrealistic (eg perfectly toned bodies etc) it is violent, abusive and degrading to women, and men and boys are not repulsed by this, they positively enjoy it.

It is not nice to have to face this, but if you (or any other parent) refuses to face this then things will never improve. The starting point is that your son (like nearly all boys and men) gets aroused by abuse, rape, torture, degradation, continues to seek it out, takes pleasure from it and believes he is entitled to an on-demand supply of women online or off to use in this way.

"Not realistic" doesn't even begin to touch what you are facing here.