Protecting children (sons) from the influence of porn

[ConcernedMim]

I have posted this in Feminism Chat because I want to protect my sons and I want to protect girls they might date as they get older. They are currently pre-school / primary school age.

So, I have never watched / seen much porn. I’m a woman in my 40s. Many years ago I saw the odd video at a friend’s house and it seemed to me to be bored women being shagged over the kitchen counter by the pizza delivery guy they’d let into the house 2 mins earlier. Not my cup of tea but didn’t seem massively harmful to viewers (although I know the women involved may not have had many choices).

But I have read that porn has changed - it’s more violent and more misogynistic. Or maybe it always was but I never saw it. It’s also easier to access due to the internet. And the damage that can do to girls, and to boys.

My children are young but I assume at some point their friends will introduce them to porn or they’ll find it themselves. How do I help them see that it’s not a realistic view of sex? I can’t imagine they’ll listen to their mum. Obviously I’ll try to talk about consent, and I already do (‘stop tickling your brother, he’s not enjoying it anymore’) but will that be enough? I try to encourage friendships with girls but the older one isn’t really interested, he just wants to be friends with boys.

Their dad and I are married and I don’t think he uses porn. If that’s relevant.

Anyone got any advice for me? Thank you.

I just wondered what sort of age those with older sons (and daughters!) Started introducing different ideas..... When did you explain what sex was? When did you start speaking about porn? I am worried I will leave it too late as I am not sure what is age appropriate

If only more parents worried about this - the ubiquity of it suggests to me that not enough do. When DD's junior school put on an IT awareness session with the local police Child Sex Exploitation person I was shocked at the poor attendance. I think there were about twenty but it was a session for all parents at the school. That was when I first heard about sexting, so it was an important start to learning about the issues assailing our children and raising my general awareness. Their senior school had regular parent sessions which were well attended and of course regular sessions for the children. I think these have been very effective and both my DD's are very sensible in their use of social media. The elder just uses facebook for university stuff, Group notifications and that sort of thing but she posts very little personal stuff. The younger isn't interested in going on FB, just uses Snapchat and Instagram. In some ways I think I'm lucky, having girls, and they have been to girls only School which I think has given them huge protection. I am quite sure the younger hasn't viewed porn even though people tell me I'm deluding myself and of course she has. But she is 17, quite shy, not had a boyfriend yet and mostly likes looking at silly kitten videos if she is on YouTube etc. She really isn't interested. But then I worry she is wholly unprepared for a porn soaked boyfriend. And the thread re:Laura Huteson / sex games gone wrong is just terrifying I think, for any mother of girls. I'm telling them don't date boys who do porn but I realise that's pretty unrealistic because a. How will they know? and b. They must be hard to find.

I think a multi pronged approach is best, combining open chat, discussion of the unreality of porn, thinking about the people who make the films - are they being abused for instance, (I've told my girls about Linda Lovelace who went from porn star to activist against porn, and was abused during her porn days), and yes, limiting social media access where possible.

So much agree about men setting a good example to sons/brothers/nephews etc.

My parents were not tech savvy when i was younger so at 10/11 I saw some things I probably shouldn't have and that mixed with abusive relationships has made my outlook on sex very skewed.

I have daughters but I still plan to educate them on porn and to make sure they know if a guy says he wants something and she doesn't like the idea of it she should stick up for herself.

I'll also teach them about some of the manipulation techniques and how to combat them.

You could explain to your sons that learning about sex from porn is just about as stupid as learning to drive by watching Grand Theft Auto.
Both are violent and antisocial and neither bear any resemblance to real life.
Tell them that actual girlfriends will be much more impressed with them if they know how to satisfy a woman, rather than hurt and abuse her.
Quote Russell Howard, who said that giving his partner an orgasm made him feel like Ronaldo scoring a goal, and that violent porn was sickening!
Finally, point out that repeated porn use causes erectile dysfunction as male users need ever more extreme images to become aroused. No woman is going to fancy an impotent violent abuser.

When did you explain what sex was? When did you start speaking about porn?

Sex? When they asked. I have a large extended family, so someone is usually pregnant! So mine were about five or six when they first asked how babies came to be in tummies. I just answered with the truth and in words they could understand. You'll find they repeat the same questions over time because they only actually take in the answers when they are ready. If they're not ready, they just forget until the next time it occurs to them to ask. Simply give the info they ask for and don't go into extra detail - they just perceive that as an irrelevant lecture.

Porn? I don't recall, honestly. Things weren't as bad in the early 00s when mine were small. As I said above, I think it's better if these topics come up between parents in discussions kids can hear rather than are required to be a part of. Then, if they have questions, they have the opportunity to ask without having to bring it up themselves.

langcleg

I think that is why I am wondering, I am surprised my 5 yr old hasn't asked how babies get in tummies yet, and I was wondering if I should give him a gentle nudge....I mean, he knows about everything else, how they are born, periods etc etc (much better understanding of women's anatomy than I had at almost twice his age)

Acorninspring - I think you have time yet! They tend to ask when they need to know in my experience. Good about understanding of women's bodies already - it's so much better that they acquire this knowledge naturally through normal family life and conversations.

I have told my son that porn sex isn't normal, and that nor is anal. don't know what else to tell him...

It is depressing the though how hard (impossible) it is to protect them from viewing content you don't consider suitable. When mine were about 7/5 Grease seemed to be having a renaissance. We agreed it was not suitable and we didn't want them to see it - it may have some catchy tunes and seem like a fun movie but I'm not a fan of the message that you have to ditch the nice girl image, don black leather and start smoking if you want to keep your chap. Along with other themes such as the girl that can't say No.
So then the girls went to Granny for the W/e and guess what DVD she had bought thinking they would enjoy it. 😡😡😡 Worse the School were using the songs in music. To have your five year old daughter sat in the back of the car chanting "tell me more, tell me more, did you get very far...did she put up a fight" is just the worst. I should have kicked up more with the school but we were moving and changing schools. At our new school I found other parents complaining about the same thing. Iirc I think there was a government minister in education at the time extolling the joys of school music and Grease was on the approved list so it was everywhere that year.

Thanks all. I’m pleased others are finding the discussion helpful. It’s a shame that so many of us feel worried though.

I am finding the advice useful. I like the WWE / Grand Theft Auto analogies for porn.

I have tried to take the approach of answering my sons’ questions about sex honestly but age appropriately. I read a book that said when your child asks a question like ‘where do babies come from’ you should ask what they think as that tells you their level of understanding and you can take things from there.

It’s my husband I said was shy. I am pretty convinced he doesn’t use porn (I’m sure he’s seen some though) although as mentioned above I can’t be 100% sure as nobody can.

@Babdoc
"Finally, point out that repeated porn use causes erectile dysfunction as male users need ever more extreme images to become aroused."

Then he'll Google that 'fact', find out that the data behind it is at best inconclusive (except with those with an agenda to push) and think 'oh look, feminism again'.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast
"I have told my son that porn sex isn't normal, and that nor is anal. don't know what else to tell him..."

That you'll still love him if he turns out gay?

I just wondered what sort of age those with older sons (and daughters!) Started introducing different ideas..... When did you explain what sex was? When did you start speaking about porn? I am worried I will leave it too late as I am not sure what is age appropriate

We talked about the mechanics of sex and where babies come from (and how they get in there!) with our boys from about 4.5-8yo in age appropriate language. At that age they are still in “why is the sky blue? Where does rain come from?” stage so its easy to have factual, unembarrassed Q&A as & when tot arises. We figured it would leave the ‘squeamish’ phase free for abstract relationships/emotions/consent type conversations & that’s proved to be the case.

DH had the “porn talk” with DS1 (not real sex, some it v nasty/unpleasant, not suitable modelling for real life relationships) when he started high school & had his first (smart) phone. It was good to have done so, as another boy is his year was watching porn in the playground & trying to show it to others in the first week. Off the back of this thread, DH & I have agreed a follow-up chat with DH is due. We’ll do the same for DS2 when he starts high school.

We also talk about consent, sexting & other topics as they come up e.g. in response to a news item.

There is really nothing wrong with pornography. Your kids are going to learn about sex in this way from other kids anyway. The only way you stop your kids from being exposed to this form of media is if you lock them up and don't let them socialize. Of course then your children grow up sexually oblivious and it can have a domino affect on their social life/confidence.

Wow, I don’t think You can grow up sexually oblivious just because You dont have access to pornography. Sex is in literature, films and art. You can have a discussion about sex, feelings and relationships without porn. you can still access the internet from a pc without owning a smart phone or internet enabled device. Why do teenagers need a smart phone?

I actually have my old copy of Claire Rayner's The Body Book. As well as "It's Not The Stork". I always intend to have a bit more discussion with my two primary school age boys...

We do the same as pp though and talk about consent and not doing anything you don't want/hugging anyone who doesn't want touched etc.

The threads about porn linked to above were horrifying

@Derwini123

“pornography is strongly correlated with factors widely recognized as contributors to sexual violence including defining masculinity as embodied through violence, hostile attitudes towards women, and gender inequality.”

Source: m.medicalxpress.com/news/2015-01-pornography-sexual-behavior.html

The porn that is widespread on sites like pornhub is violent, racist, misogynistic and cruel. I do not want my son to grow up thinking that is how sex is amongst consenting adults.

Placemat king. My naive DD will be starting high school in September and I know she will be exposed to port, and to boys whose expectations are shaped by boys. I'm wondering what I can say to prepare her without scaring her.

Oh dear, lots of typos...placemarking of course, and exposed to porn not port, and boys whose expectations are shaped by porn not boys!

Talk to them early and often about the mainstream violence they are exposed to every day. Talk to them about the difference they are seeing in cartoons and games between people doing things together and a person doing things to another person. Talk to them about the ways stories signals good and bad people and justify their actions.
Start early and talk with them often.

To be honest it may be quite hard to “protect “ them from porn in the sense of them never seeing it, but I would suggest when you think they are at an age to understand sex (the physical act) explain that what they see is not real and is no long lasting and satisfactory replacement for a truly loving intimate relationship. That’s not to say all sex has to be in a relationship but try to get across the value of respecting the other partners choices and that the act should be about the pleasure of both individuals and not just one party to use the other as an object. I may have put together a very simple answer and their are probably people here who have better ideas but just saw this was active and thought I’d post my thoughts.

Placemat King sounds a pretty good username if anyone needs one. @theconstantinoplegardener

When we were young it was boys passing round a top shelf mag

When my dc were the same age, (Y6) they were shown by mates in the playground.

Mothers (we were sahm's) went to school to speak to head, but of course the horse had already bolted.

My dd is 14 she was shown some before secondary too.

The answer is you can't protect them.

When I say ‘protect them’ I suppose I don’t necessarily mean prevent them ever watching porn* but to some extent to ‘vaccinate’ them from seeing violent / misogynistic porn and think this is something to be emulated in their own sexual encounters. I’d like them to be the kind of young man who says ‘not for me’ and discovers consensual and hopefully fun sex where both parties are having a good time.

• although on the whole I think I’d rather they didn’t watch porn ideally as I’m not sure to what extent the average porn artist is making a totally free choice, similarly strippers, also I’m not sure porn is generally a helpful introduction to sex even when non-violent

Thanks boatyardblues and langcleg , I'll just wait for the questions to come up.

Derwini123 I totally disagree that there is nothing wrong with the pornography that is easily accessible through the internet. And there are many ways to learn about healthy sex aside from pornography.

Honestly speaking, as a man, the problem you will face is that most boys want to seek out sexual content/stimulation a good few years before they're old enough to actually engage in any sexual activity with a partner.