Does anyone else struggle to be in a mixed sex relationship whilst holding RadFem politics?

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Just that really. Sorry for NC. Husband and I have discussed this a lot over the last decade particularly. I’m bisexual and sexually happy in this relationship. Husband is generally in the top quartile (!!? 😉) for being a good man who I like and respect. And love, too. But. My politics find it a hard fit being in a relationship with a man. I will be staying, absolutely, but wondered if anyone else feels this difficulty at times? No worries if not.
No background other than I have identified as a radfem for the last twenty years and am active in voluntary work outside my paid job in womens rights activism. Past paid work in women’s sectors e.g. VAW. It’s hard to not see men through shit coloured lenses at times. Sorry if this offends.

So many interesting points made! I’m typing on a pad because my laptop has decided to take until next millennium to update so apologies for brevity and typos. Interesting thought about whether people are intrinsically closer based on sex or other characteristics. I am far emotionally closer to DH than any female friend, and we are well matched in most fundamental areas. We enjoy a more emotionally honest and equal relationship than any other couple in our friendship group (horses for courses). The point isn’t whether he’s great or not (we both have our own specialist areas of greatness and of twatbadgery 😉), it’s more about what we do with the feelings of potential anger, disappointment, rage, that this is a member of a group whose life has been made easier by our own oppression. I’m aware that I’m relatively privileged by colour, education, ability, and have at times earned more than DH (even pegging atm). My anger doesn’t stem from living with someone who doesn’t pull their weight, it’s deeper and less tangible than that.
In common with some PPs, I’m decided that in the distressing event of DH croaking before me, or taking off with the inevitable young, reed thin P.A. (said very slightly tongue in cheek), I think I’d be better matched with only women or perhaps a good book.
For the current life though, what to do? He’s pretty educated, a gentle man who only betrays his socialisation by relatively minor male behaviour/viewpoints, and supportive of me. I’d be pushing my luck to expect a better person to share my life with, and am interested to hear any ideas to manage this dissonance/issue.

I suppose direct the anger at the structure not the individual? You aren’t angry at him, you’re angry at patriarchy. He isn’t the problem, the structure we all live inside is. And yes he’s part of that class but while that’s useful for analysis it’s not going to help relations between you.

Men have to be part of the solution to all this - you seem to have one who is, as do I. That’s a positive thing. Anger directed outwards, love directed in?

But whilst he’s a little active in reading very occasionally, and will sign anything I suggest, it’s more a passive agreement there’s a problem but no real fury at the system. It’s a passive and unresisting acceptance of all that implicit and intrinsic unearned privilege. That’s l8e someone saying ‘I get it, I see it, but my arse is fine thanks Jack’, IYSWIM?

Bowlofbabelfish has it right, IMO. You're not really angry at him, you're angry at the class oppression you are a part of, and that he's part of the oppressor class, not the oppressor himself. He can no more help that he was born male than you can that you were born female.

I get it though. My god, I get it. Sometimes you want to rage at the injustice of oppression to the person you adore, and well, while they are happy to listen, they don't quite get it deep down. With other women you have a shared, unspoken understanding. And that really matters.

So yes, throw yourself into activism. It's the only thing that has stopped me being so "itchy" and ragey at the whole situation. I now know I am trying actively to make this better for myself. And somehow it makes it easier to deal with, despite knowing far more of the injustices now than I ever have before.

Basically, it's Pandora's box, and you can't put back the horrors once you have seen them. But you can learn to live with knowing about them.

Increasing my activism may be the answer. My participation has been a bit less the last three years due to various life/work events, so I’m feeling a bit less wired to the solution. Will give it a try! Thanks for the suggestion. It’s nice to feel heard and that my experience is shared a bit. I was worried the responses would tell me that ‘I’ve got a good one’, and that I was too radical/man hating, etc