DD2s ‘friends’ have decided she’s trans

[MaitlandGirl]

She’s not - she wears trousers to school as it’s winter and too cold to leave the house at 7am in a skirt, doesn’t wear make up as she has stress induced excema on her face, ties her hair up in a ‘man bun’ as it’s ridiculously out of control otherwise and wears Dr Martens as it’s too cold to wear her converse.

All of these examples have lead her supposedly pro-feminist ‘friends’ to decide she’s trans and when she tried to put them right they decided she was in denial and reported her to the pastoral team at school for urgent counselling.

I’ve spent her entire life telling her that being a woman doesn’t mean she has to follow the societal norm and slap on the makeup, have straightened/highlighted hair and wear skirts half way up her thighs and now, because of the strong pro-trans movement across social media, she’s again being told she’s not a ‘real’ woman.

Neolara

I hope the school have named this as bullying to the girls. I hope they've not just counselled and supported the DD, because the underlying message of that (un-intended) may be to locate the 'problem' in the bullied child

BTW, I am not attacking schools. I do think many teachers get this (I certainly don't agree that there is any evidence from MN that teachers are swallowing the trans agenda - quite the reverse in fact). But teachers may be constrained by the 'woke' messages they are being given

Yes, definitely see the school. This isn't just about bullying, it is about the school needing to have some real conversations about trans issues that go beyond fluffy ideas about 'acceptance' and actually address some of the pressing issues about social contagion, peer-pressure, incorrect understandings of sex and gender and the fact that for those who do experience dysphoria it is a real issue and not a fashion statement. The school needs a chance to consider reviewing its own teachings and policies and considering how they could have led to such rubbish.

Familiar with this. Not in the clearly overt bullying sense that is happening with your daughter, but with my own GNC child and her friends.

It's why I don't have any truck with this notion of rampant 'transphobia' everywhere - the youngsters round my daughter are desperate for the cool factor, and having a trans friend is the epitome of that right now. They can bask in the reflected glow of being 'special'.

I'd be tempted to speak to their parents

At that age I got jeans and chunky caterpillar boots out of the boys section of the littlewoods catalogue. Back when your average teen could only get DM's in black, cherry red or if really lucky, forest green, and you had to go to the Army and Navy store to get them! Happy days.

I would've been singled out as trans. I was very shy and wore baggy clothes because I hated the attention drawn by my changing body.

Gosh her 'friends' sound awful. They are bullying her.

I don't wear dresses (my wedding dress 9 years ago was the exception) I very rarely wear make up, my hair is cut in a style that I can wash and leave. I am however very much a woman.

I'd encourage a pulling back from her friends and I'd be raising hell at school about the bullying.

It sounds like they want a token trans friend.

You mentioned HSC so I assume your in Australia. Has the school done Safer School program? If so it might be worth complaining to the safer schools coalition and CC in your local member.

Sounds a lot like attention seeking by her friends. Perhaps they thought Ja'mie from Summer Heights High was a role model instead of a parody?

Definitely go to the school and speak about enforced conformism and medicalisation of a perfectly healthy youngster. Ask if the school is in the business of education or reeducation. I'd also be distancing the 'friends'. Is there another school she can go to if this one starts playing games?

This is what children believe now, this is the message that trans sends. Stereotypes are used to measure children and they truly believe that they matter more than sex. The sexist stereotypes are far worse than they were 30 years ago. Gay kids and kids who don't perform their role get transed. This isn't progress.

That's grotesque and I'm so sorry for your daughter - I'm glad she's staying strong but it must be maddening and concerning. I agree with approaching the school, but also how well do you know the girls themselves or their parents? Could you approach any of them and explain the potential harm they are doing? Sometimes teenagers can be very thoughtless - I doubt they realise the full implications

This is why I find it so laughable when people say there isn't any sort of social contagion behind the observable rise in this phenomenon. As others have said a trans friend is currently "cool". What really concerns me is that some adults including those in authority are actively encouraging harmful practices.
I'm the past, harmful teenage trends like anorexia, self - harming etc and networks which supported then were roundly condemned. These children are not getting the slightest indication that any of this is dangerous.

My DD wears jeans and jumpers, no make-up, boots all year round and trousers in winter.
She is also quite comfortably female and fortunately has friends who are mixed sex and happy with themselves and each other as they are.

She did have issues with a previous friendship group who bullied her. I spoke to the school, and the school spoke to all the children involved. But I also encouraged her to make new friends.

She read a book called ‘The Happiness that comes’, I do not know the author, which was about an anorexic girl and her journey to self-acceptance. DD credits this with helping her feel okay about herself again and she is much more confident being herself. She also had a year of counselling with a young person’s worker (as our family had been through DV), nothing to do with gender. So a mixed approach, and she is happy enough with herself. Not a fan of dresses, though she did buy a gorgeous one this summer. Yet to see her wear it.

She could challenge them on their hetero-normative patriarchal beliefs, as others here have said. It sounds like they're overly-compensating on being "woke" and are desparate for a real-life trans friend, to up their social credibility.

I agree with what other have written here.

I am also impressed that at your dd’s school girls wear skirts half-way down their thighs - round here their skirts barely seem to cover their crotch/bum cheeks. I dread to imagine the criticism a girl would receive for wear a skirt that long. I would much rather they all wore trousers.

I'm wearing docs right now... They are frickin comfy. Also, unbrushed hair in a bun and I haven't worn makeup in a decade.
Your dd's friends are idiots. I'm sorry!

What is this phrase 'woke' that is appearing? It looks more like sleepwalking into a nightmare to me.

I agree with the others

It does sound like bullying

Dd wore trousers, boy style brogues, rucksack instead of handbag, prefered to play the boys at sport, no makeup (does have long hair... but so do some of the lads)

And there was no hint that people thought she was a boy or wanted to be a boy

Ds1 on the other hand was called gay or a girl through most of senior school...its fucking lucky this trans business wasnt really On the radar ' at his school 5/6 years ago

I wore trousers my entire school years, and no makeup, can't see anything wrong with it but then I'm from abroad. In my case it's about being from Scandinavia and having grown up in the seventies. The "man bun" makes me think of the mischievous character Little My from the Moomin family; moomin.wikia.com/wiki/Little_My

You could be describing my daughter there too, apart from the hair. She wears trousers precisely because the majority of other girls don't, it's her way of kicking back against uniform rules/stereotypes. I did exactly the same, actually - we weren't allowed trousers back then, but I insisted on a blazer and tie rather than the open-necked blouse and cardigan. My younger daughter also wears trousers at primary - because she once fell off a chair and her skirt flew up. She never wants that to happen again.

This is definitely bullying. I can't add to the good advice you've had but wanted to wish you strength.

I am so sorry - your daughters friends are not being friends right now. Though it’s possible they think they are helping (and also maybe are excited about the idea of having a trans friend), this is so unhelpful. They do not get to decide for your daughter that she is someone other than who she says she is.

I was a determined trouser wearer in secondary school for years, and what I was accused of being was a lesbian. I think I’d try to encourage your daughter that having clothing preferences is fine, and to push back against her friends (if she feels able) with “Isn’t that a bit sexist? Are you saying that I’m not a girl because I don’t like skirts? Is that what a girl is - just CLOTHES??”

It might also be encouraging for her to see some photos from societies where men and women wear basically the same thing, or where women traditionally wear trouser and men skirts (kimono in Japan, salwar/kameez and pajama in Pakistan, skirts on men and women in the pacific islands, kilts, etc) and have a bit of a chuckle about what the Samoan police force would think if some social justice warrior turned up there insisting that they were all clearly trans because their uniform has a skirt on the bottom half. I think the more the ridiculousness of this can be pointed out, the stronger your daughter may feel.

Her friends have no right to define (stereotype?) her.

DD was lucky as a teenager that she did a couple of activities that allowed her to mix with women slightly older than her - mid 20s. It was really good to have a good range of role models comfortable within their own skin. Some (again stereotypically) of her hockey team might be described as butch, though none, as far as we knew described themselves as trans. And certainly not all - lots of flicky pny-tails as the forwards rushed up the pitch. Importantly, it mattered not one jot, nor did being a teenager or a 40 year old. What mattered was being a good team member.

Ditto DD helped out in sessions for disabled swimmers at her local leisure centre once a week. Most volunteers (male and female) were mid-20s and in their first jobs. Physios, publishing etc. Again kind, practical and straightforward. Some way away from the tensions of school girl society, and a need to confirm to other people's expectations.

Is there anything your DD could do outside school where she will meet kindness and be accepted for who she is, whatever that is. And like PPs I would not see DMs as odd or a sign of being trans.

I've had friends like that, they don't necessarily mean any harm. But it is curious that being trans that is supposed to be some strong internal feeling has now become something that someone else sees in you.