I don't really post on here very much as I often don't feel like I have anything much to add, but I just wanted to thank you all for reassuring me that I am neither crazy nor a hate-filled bigot.
There is not really anybody I feel safe to discuss gender and sex with in real life, unless on those subjects where my views and the prevailing orthodoxy align. I do have one good friend that favours legalisation of prostitution (I favour the Nordic model) and we've had respectful discussions about that and maintained our friendship without any problems. But the big issue, I think you all know what I'm talking about, I just don't dare to ever bring up or respond to. I don't say things I don't believe, but I do just stay silent.
I used to be fully right-on as well, but really I just hadn't thought about it very much. I just went along with the orthodoxy and now I see the danger of that. I always had niggling doubts. 'If gender is a social construct and we are fighting against that, why can't a woman like and do masculine things without being a man, why can't a man like and do feminine things without being a woman?' I would ask myself. I somehow convinced myself that it was different, but never quite managed to nail down how exactly. I guess I just rejected all critical thought, to be brutally honest about it.
The thing that 'peak transed' me was when a man in our social group came out and said that he was a woman. I just could not make myself believe it, though at first I did try. He just isn't a woman in any way whatsoever. I have sympathy for him and I believe in his case it is trauma from a horrific sexual assault and rape that his mother experienced that is most likely behind his rejection of being a man. But that doesn't make him a man. And then there was a photo (he is involved in local politics) of him with a group of others involved in some council or something, and there were something like 6 men and 1 woman. A woman commented sarcastically about the gender ratio and was rebuked because one of the men was in fact a woman. He was dressed like a man, typically male haircut, male body (obviously), this was before he had even done anything except declare his womanhood and the woman apologised for making the comment! I couldn't believe it. And then I felt angry, because he had exactly the same male privilege as every other man in the photo. There was no basis for claiming a (very slightly) fairer gender ratio based on his involvement. I saw suddenly very clearly how this ideology could be damaging for women.
I have a good friend who is a very liberal right-on kind of feminist and she's just put a post on FB about 'no terfs' and 'no boundaries'. I will never raise this with her. I don't think it would end our friendship but it would change the way she thought of me. I have numerous other acquaintances who would all vilify me if they knew what I thought.
Anyway, sorry for waffling on, but my point is that spaces like this on the internet are so important. Please please keep doing what you do, because people like me are listening, and no doubt others who have their doubts but don't want to be a bigot. Thank you, women of Mumsnet Feminism Chat!