Do you ever wish.......

[HuckfromScandal]

I sometimes long for the days before I was GC, before I was a feminist, before I knew what misogyny was (and didn’t realise when it affected me).
I feel so worn down by the relentlessness of being a female, consistently pointing out misogyny, being mansplained to, being constantly needing to defend my position.
I think maybe it was all easier when I wasn’t aware of it all.....

Is it just me?

I hear you. I take a break from it sometimes for wellbeing purposes.

Not just you, ignorance is indeed bliss!

Nope. It's so exhausting- there's so much I don't comment on. And it is wearing, making yourself unpopular-it's very thankless.

Yesterday I got into a debate with a male colleague. I'm a big fan of robust debate so I often do wade in. But I felt shattered for some time afterwards. I think because I get emotional as it matters so much to me. And some men love to what about, interrupt and derail..

I cope by just having a few main topics I will fight for. Eg they've tried to debate the gender pay gap at work. I've disengaged from it as it's emotionally draining.

Yes it is exhausting. Agree about taking breaks. Im lucky enough to be going on holiday soon and have promised myself not to go on line whilst im away

Yes.

I miss being wide-eyed and innocent. It was easier.

Sometimes. And then I remember whole years where I did absolutely nothing that made me happy, lived every single second of my life for the pleasure or service of someone else's ambition or comfort. I can remember cleaning vomit out of the car upholstery in the dark because one of my kids had thrown up explosively in the seat behind me at the end of a journey home, with it still in my hair, dog tired after a day in which I had been serving teas and cleaning up after men who were talking about important things. I had to pause to come and settle the kids to sleep and go back out to finish the car, and when I finally came back in, sick still in my hair, my DP asked if I could just make him a quick cuppa for him before he went to bed.

And I did every last bit of it believing it was the way the almighty God had designed it, and that if I ever felt aggrieved at any of it, that was my pride talking, which was the basis of everything that was wrong with the world.

If I compare that to now, yes, I still serve and care for my family, I still help others, but I have a voice now, and when men rock up with their bullshit, I am well able to tell them to cock off. I have the tools and the vocabulary to pinpoint unfairness and oppression, and yes, it is damned hard work, but good grief, freedom to speak is so much better than silence.

If I'm exhausted I do some small, amusing acts of rebellion
Eg earlier I felt like hanging around in my knickers and a t shirt. DH said oh why are you hanging around in your pants. I said "it's the eve of ManFriday"
So you can do things that women aren't "meant" to do and have a laugh at the reaction