DP (and fil) are against me working

[WhiteCoyote]

I honestly never thought I'd have to face an issue like this. I really need other women's voices to help lend strength to my own because I'm struggling to articulate my anger and rage into anything other than furious tears right now.

This is a long post but I've tried my best to fill in relevant details and not drip feed.

DP and I have always split the bills according to percentage earned. There's been times I've been between jobs and he's paid the bills, there's been times he has and I've paid the bills. Who pays what has never been an issue between us, and we were both decent earners.
Rather than have a joined account (which I was against after being stung in my last relationship) we'd take on individual bills that would loosely add up to us paying the fair amount - he'd pay rent and water bill, I'd take on food, council tax, electric, gas, tv licence etc.

We had a (surprise) baby 15 months ago. When we first found out I was pregnant we discussed earnings and what would happen, I let him know very clearly I intended to return to work after my maternity pay ran out, which he agreed to. This wasn't just for financial reasons, I enjoy working and like my independence.
Through my pregnancy and maternity I'd pay whatever bills I could afford and pass whatever ones I couldn't pay onto him as he was still earning full amount and a decent wage.
We can't quite afford childcare, so when my maternity pay ran out at 9 months, the agreement was he'd tell me his shifts in advance and I'd work whatever days he'd be off. DP made a few remarks about how it was too early for me to go back to work. He made a comment about how he hoped I might change my mind during my time off work and want to stay home with the baby full time. This comment absolutely cut me, but I shook it off as me being oversensitive.

Because of his shift patterns, he may work 11 days in a row then have 4 days off, or working a normal week and have a weekend off. It's quite random. Luckily I work with a very good closely knit team who have been very supportive and are happy to work my shifts in around his. I'm very thankful for them and don't know where I'd be without them. He gets his rota every 3 months in advance so when he does, I tell them what days I can work for the following months.

He now pays around 3/4 of the bills and I pay around 1/4, which is fair to our earnings. He earns around 1500 a month and I earn 500 a month. He pays around 1100 out to bills and I pay around 420, so the structure seems perfectly even to me.

A few weeks back, I was due to work a weekend. Our team was very short staffed that weekend and really needed me in. DP realised a few days before the weekend that he'd got his weeks mixed up and he was booked in for shifts that weekend. He immediately text me and told me to cancel my working shifts. I text him back telling him they weren't doctors appointments and I couldn't just cancel them, that we were short staffed and I was very relevant to work that weekend, and he'd have to swap some his shifts around to get cover. He didn't reply.

We have no family and no friends who could take on the childcare for us, it has to be one or the other of us at home at any given time.

The Friday before I was due to work he asked me if I'd managed to cancel my shifts. I told him no. He went off the rails telling me he'd get a disciplinary if he didn't show up for his weekend shifts, that his was the main wage coming in to the house so it was more important he he work. We argued for ages, I told him my wages were important too and still paid of some of the bills, and this was HIS cock up so HE had to fix it. It wasn't my place to take a fall for his mistake. We had a huge falling out, but I stood my ground and told him that there was literally no way I wasn't going to go to work.

I don't want to use the phrase "I won" as there really was no winning in the situation, but essentially I was the one to win and "get to go to work". We got through it - DP rang up work with some bullshit excuse that our son had hit his head and had to be taken to hospital so he couldn't come in, and I carried on working. It smoothed over, but I think we both still held a lot of resentment against each other.

A few weeks later, I met up with his father (along with his aunt and uncle) for a coffee like we do a couple of times a week. DP must have told him what happened because he also flew off the rails at me. He asked me what happened and I shrugged and gave him a watered down version of it, then he proceeded to tell me how in the wrong I was as DP's wage is the one that pays the bills. I corrected him and told him I still paid the bills too. FIL was furious and told me that the person who's earning more should always come first in these situations and that his wife didn't go back to work until the kids were in secondary school.
I'm proud to say that I held my ground calmly and rationally explained to him that that was 50 years ago and not the way it works now, and irregardless - we are RELIANT on my wages too. They're not pocket money. They're paying bills and if I didn't go back to work then how would be find an extra 500 a month?
He replied that if I didn't work, DP could work full time. I told him DP did work full time. He asked me if he did, how did I manage to work four days in a row the other week? I told him that was simply the way the shift patterns worked.
He didn't believe me. He genuinely thinks DP is giving up working shifts so I can work. I will add that DP's aunt was backing me up in the whole conversation, which gave me a bit of heart too.
FIL stated, again, that the one paying the bills should take precedence and we had to work together from now on.

DP did apologise that night for telling his dad about what happened. He did say his dad was in the wrong for having a go at me, but he also said "well he does have a bit of a point about the bills though."

I completely gave up after that.

A week ago, DP asked if I could cancel a shift so he could work a shift which would earn him a £200 bonus. Again, I said no, we're short staffed and the team needs me. He lamented the loss of £200 over the £70 odd I earn working an all dayer.

Again, last night, he asked the same question. The impression I get from both him and his dad is that I returned to work after my maternity to prove some feminist point about women having a right to work.

Women, how do I proceed with this? And keep my sanity?

My FIL is a generous and often kind man, but I haven't been able to look at him since that conversation.
This is driving a very irrefutable wedge between DP and I, and honestly, if something is going to split us up, this will be it.

The past couple of times I have tried talking to DP in a calm and rational way about this I end up bursting into frustrated tears (thus adding to the point to him that I am emotional and illogical about the whole situation).

I wouldn't say he is a sexist person - he's all for women taking on male roles, equal pay, rights etc - so why the fuck is he such a fucking dinosaur about this??

You could have gone back to work and been the sole earner or just hired a nanny/used other childcare after recovering from birth.

That’s not the agreement she had with her partner. And she is attempting to just earn more. She needs to be in a supportive relationship to do that (or be making 100%) of the decisions. But I suspect you know that and are just attempting to muddy the waters.

Wow, your fil is a twat. This is absolutely NONE OF HIS BUSINESS, and you should tell him so. How dare he?! Do you get a say over his working patterns?

I’d tell your partner that if he tries to sabotage your career one more time, you will go back full time and stop supporting his career by working around him. He should be fucking grateful for what you’re doing for him already.

It's none of your fils business and if your dh is pressuring you to give up work that's unfair.

I do believe though, that the main earners job should take priority be that the man or woman.

While the suggestions that you stay at home are ridiculous-your DP doesn't earn enough for the luxury of a SAHW

I keep coming back to that 'your DP doesn't earn enough for the luxury of a SAHW' - a SAHW isn't a bloody Audi, this isn't a commanders wives vs. econowives situation, she's a person - a person who's taken the entire hit of having a baby with this man, and is STILL HOLDING DOWN HER JOB WHILST ENTIRELY WORKING AROUND HER DP and still wants to hold down that job, despite significant hurdles and resistance from her DP..

Frankly, I think that once the toddler phase is over so she can get regular childcare in regular working hours, she shouldn't have any issue getting a better job - OP you come across very well, with a great work ethic - I would think this would shine out in an interview.

I do believe though, that the main earners job should take priority be that the man or woman.

But that's self-fulfilling. If the secondary earner always has to give up their earnings in favour of the higher earner, of course they will earn less - that's how maths works.

Unless FIL is willing to pay you £500 a month to stay home, he can keep his bloody beak out.

I second and third everything that's been said on here. You are young, ambitious and intelligent the world is your oyster. You mention your in laws married 50 years ago, how old is your Dp ? Is this a generational thing ?

Unfortunately it’s after children come that a man’s deep seated sexism comes through.

Yep ^

You're doing all the right things. Don't stop policing those boundaries now! Think of your future happy life and career.

a SAHW isn't a bloody Audi, this isn't a commanders wives vs. econowives situation, she's a person

Even if he can 'afford' the 'luxury' it is a cage. Gilded, but still a cage. And the bird has its wings clipped, so no flying.

Keep those wings.

DH and FIL are right, £70 vs £200 makes no sense. Therefore, the best solution for your long term employment and therefore the family's financial health is two fixed weekday shifts with nursery in place as childcare. DH will obviously pay the nursery 100% as it's his job that's causing the problems and you need childcare to enable him to work

Thank you all for the kind words and inspiration. You've really given me a huge moral boost

It's not as simple as "wrong career choice" or "finding a job with better wages".
I have no qualifications, even GCSE's. No education past primary school - my mother had post partum depression and took me out of school at 11 to look after my little brothers because she couldn't cope. I have no schooling (even at home) and quite frankly done bloody well for myself getting this far all things considering.

Thank you racecardriver for providing me with the perfect example of exactly how not to raise my son.

ltk I plan on eventually doing animal management and/or conservation with the goal of working in a zoo or related fields. My local college does animal management however it requires GCSE's so I'll need to take those first - and the night adult courses are filled for next year already. There's a zoo nearby that runs conservation courses once a year with no previous qualifications needed, so maybe that's the way to go first.

Stillwishihadabs Yes there is a generation gap, he's 20 years older - bastard lied and told me 10 years when we met. I didn't find out the truth until a good year into the relationship. I'm sure it's a generation thing.

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg thank you so much for your positive words you're definitely the person I'd want in my corner.

Wow, @whitecoyote, I have read all this thread and thought you were much older than 23. You are very articulate, intelligent and self-aware. After reading your last post, I’m in awe. Your mum took you out of education at 11? That’s awful.

And your partner... 20 years older than you, and lied? I realise that’s in the past, but wow. He’s twice your age. No wonder you have different thoughts - you’re different generations.

You’ve had great advice here. Why not contact the zoo that runs the conservation course and see if you can get on a course? I’m sure you could sweet-talk them into it...

I wish you all the very best with your future career. You should go far.

WhiteCoyote Ignore the one poster who posted unhelpful, ignorant, and frankly bizarre comments. There is always one on every thread!

I agree with the vast majority on here that you are not being unreasonable, and that you come across as very articulate and intelligent in your posts.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do, stand firm and protect your interests.

Wow WhiteCoyote. I work with, and have worked with in the past, many women who have been in your situation initially and held onto their spirit, principles and needs in life.

And have progressed to become amazing women - I'm not saying always CEOs/senior management, as that's not always someone's goal - just women who have fire in their blood and know that they'll get wherever they're going in the end - despite the shit that stands in their way.

All your posts strike me as you being one of them.

I suspect you'll get there too, and be an amazing role model to your child too. It's a bumpy ride to get there, but there are brilliant women here and in real life who will support you on that bumpy ride.

I just want to say good luck with your future goals. I'm sure you'll get there and yes keep going with your job.

Have you told your DP of your ambitions?
A loving partner should support and help you achieve your dreams.

As for his father, he needs to butt out. It's none of his business.

I thought so my DSis's DP is older and holds similar views. However if he is older it's even more important you keep your career going. Good luck

Just wanted to say, I’ve just completed a college course. Loads of people had started by getting basic numeracy and literacy skills, then standard grades (Scotland) and then onto college. They did absolutely fine because they valued the education. And they were all older than you. It might seem selfish but you have to focus on achieving your goals. Check with your local college about childcare, i was surprised.

I wouldn't say he is a sexist person - he's all for women taking on male roles, equal pay, rights etc - so why the fuck is he such a fucking dinosaur about this??

Because now it's affecting him

Like most men he's only in favour of equal rights for women, when they don't require him to give up some structural unfair advantage.

As soon as they do, he's not so keen.

Sorry OP. Keep going. You need to get some more qualifications and training and keep your eye on your long term goals. And tell your FIL you are not interested in discussing your life-choices with him.

Absolutely what askaterf said!

Loads of men abstractly ‘believe’ in the concept that women are full humans but when it means actually treating the women in their lives as full humans they just don’t do it because it requires them to sacrifice some of their superiority.

(And can I say you must be incredibly intelligent and strong to have come through that childhood so articulate and with such good self esteem)

Op you could probably get more money than you are earning in maintenance loans for university that wouldn't need to be paid off until you were in well paid employment. You'd be classed as a mature student and they don't give a shit about GCSEs. You can do an access to higher education course first. Creches on site usually too.

It's hard to stay calm and clear-headed whilst you have forceful men trying to bend you to their will, so good job so far!

You know you're in the right. More than in the right because the money you get is peanuts whilst you look after his kids.

This is about more than just the money. And to be honest, they know that. That's why they're being so pig-headed.

Stick to your guns

Wow! Good for you, OP - please don't allow yourself to be bullied into giving up your job.

Just to add in that you can now get FE Student loans for college and bursaries. Also some colleges have subsidised crèches. You could do college in the week and pick up some shifts at weekends or days to fit in with your oh when he’s not working maybe? You just need to get the maths and English to get onto level 3 as a mature student. Or look at home study and pay to take the exams at an external centre?

It seems that it’s harder as part of a couple to study. I couldn’t get to uni until I kicked out my unsupportive exoh. Then I got all the loans, grants and cheaper childcare.

So at present he has £400 left a month vs your £80. Why is that fair? Dh is a sahd and we have equal access to money.

When he worked, pre kids, pre marriage. I paid the expensive and variable bills as I earn significantly more.

There is no way I would give up a job after a baby. Especially if I was living with a man who showed me and my desire to work so little respect. If/when you split you need an income. No doubt when baby is at school he’d then want you to pull a job out of your arse, that fits in round school hours.

Does he say marriage is a just piece of paper? I said that to my ex, there was not a cat in hells chance I’d have married him, I earned more, had more assets and deep down I wasn’t sure. So why risk my finances.

It’s not what you want to hear but his attitude would have had me out the door a long time ago. He is telling you what he really thinks about women.

Look up access courses. See if he tried to sabotage that too.

You've got to keep working, whatever you do. You cannot risk this because if it all goes to pot, you need to earn money somehow.

Never give up your financial stream, no matter how small you think it is, for a man. EVER.