DP (and fil) are against me working

[WhiteCoyote]

I honestly never thought I'd have to face an issue like this. I really need other women's voices to help lend strength to my own because I'm struggling to articulate my anger and rage into anything other than furious tears right now.

This is a long post but I've tried my best to fill in relevant details and not drip feed.

DP and I have always split the bills according to percentage earned. There's been times I've been between jobs and he's paid the bills, there's been times he has and I've paid the bills. Who pays what has never been an issue between us, and we were both decent earners.
Rather than have a joined account (which I was against after being stung in my last relationship) we'd take on individual bills that would loosely add up to us paying the fair amount - he'd pay rent and water bill, I'd take on food, council tax, electric, gas, tv licence etc.

We had a (surprise) baby 15 months ago. When we first found out I was pregnant we discussed earnings and what would happen, I let him know very clearly I intended to return to work after my maternity pay ran out, which he agreed to. This wasn't just for financial reasons, I enjoy working and like my independence.
Through my pregnancy and maternity I'd pay whatever bills I could afford and pass whatever ones I couldn't pay onto him as he was still earning full amount and a decent wage.
We can't quite afford childcare, so when my maternity pay ran out at 9 months, the agreement was he'd tell me his shifts in advance and I'd work whatever days he'd be off. DP made a few remarks about how it was too early for me to go back to work. He made a comment about how he hoped I might change my mind during my time off work and want to stay home with the baby full time. This comment absolutely cut me, but I shook it off as me being oversensitive.

Because of his shift patterns, he may work 11 days in a row then have 4 days off, or working a normal week and have a weekend off. It's quite random. Luckily I work with a very good closely knit team who have been very supportive and are happy to work my shifts in around his. I'm very thankful for them and don't know where I'd be without them. He gets his rota every 3 months in advance so when he does, I tell them what days I can work for the following months.

He now pays around 3/4 of the bills and I pay around 1/4, which is fair to our earnings. He earns around 1500 a month and I earn 500 a month. He pays around 1100 out to bills and I pay around 420, so the structure seems perfectly even to me.

A few weeks back, I was due to work a weekend. Our team was very short staffed that weekend and really needed me in. DP realised a few days before the weekend that he'd got his weeks mixed up and he was booked in for shifts that weekend. He immediately text me and told me to cancel my working shifts. I text him back telling him they weren't doctors appointments and I couldn't just cancel them, that we were short staffed and I was very relevant to work that weekend, and he'd have to swap some his shifts around to get cover. He didn't reply.

We have no family and no friends who could take on the childcare for us, it has to be one or the other of us at home at any given time.

The Friday before I was due to work he asked me if I'd managed to cancel my shifts. I told him no. He went off the rails telling me he'd get a disciplinary if he didn't show up for his weekend shifts, that his was the main wage coming in to the house so it was more important he he work. We argued for ages, I told him my wages were important too and still paid of some of the bills, and this was HIS cock up so HE had to fix it. It wasn't my place to take a fall for his mistake. We had a huge falling out, but I stood my ground and told him that there was literally no way I wasn't going to go to work.

I don't want to use the phrase "I won" as there really was no winning in the situation, but essentially I was the one to win and "get to go to work". We got through it - DP rang up work with some bullshit excuse that our son had hit his head and had to be taken to hospital so he couldn't come in, and I carried on working. It smoothed over, but I think we both still held a lot of resentment against each other.

A few weeks later, I met up with his father (along with his aunt and uncle) for a coffee like we do a couple of times a week. DP must have told him what happened because he also flew off the rails at me. He asked me what happened and I shrugged and gave him a watered down version of it, then he proceeded to tell me how in the wrong I was as DP's wage is the one that pays the bills. I corrected him and told him I still paid the bills too. FIL was furious and told me that the person who's earning more should always come first in these situations and that his wife didn't go back to work until the kids were in secondary school.
I'm proud to say that I held my ground calmly and rationally explained to him that that was 50 years ago and not the way it works now, and irregardless - we are RELIANT on my wages too. They're not pocket money. They're paying bills and if I didn't go back to work then how would be find an extra 500 a month?
He replied that if I didn't work, DP could work full time. I told him DP did work full time. He asked me if he did, how did I manage to work four days in a row the other week? I told him that was simply the way the shift patterns worked.
He didn't believe me. He genuinely thinks DP is giving up working shifts so I can work. I will add that DP's aunt was backing me up in the whole conversation, which gave me a bit of heart too.
FIL stated, again, that the one paying the bills should take precedence and we had to work together from now on.

DP did apologise that night for telling his dad about what happened. He did say his dad was in the wrong for having a go at me, but he also said "well he does have a bit of a point about the bills though."

I completely gave up after that.

A week ago, DP asked if I could cancel a shift so he could work a shift which would earn him a £200 bonus. Again, I said no, we're short staffed and the team needs me. He lamented the loss of £200 over the £70 odd I earn working an all dayer.

Again, last night, he asked the same question. The impression I get from both him and his dad is that I returned to work after my maternity to prove some feminist point about women having a right to work.

Women, how do I proceed with this? And keep my sanity?

My FIL is a generous and often kind man, but I haven't been able to look at him since that conversation.
This is driving a very irrefutable wedge between DP and I, and honestly, if something is going to split us up, this will be it.

The past couple of times I have tried talking to DP in a calm and rational way about this I end up bursting into frustrated tears (thus adding to the point to him that I am emotional and illogical about the whole situation).

I wouldn't say he is a sexist person - he's all for women taking on male roles, equal pay, rights etc - so why the fuck is he such a fucking dinosaur about this??

Also not sure why you have posted in feminism, this isn't really about your sex is it?

In a few years your dc will be at school. Having your feet firmly in the door now means that in a few years you might be able to pick up the 7-3 shift, do does school drop off, you collect.

Definitely keep your job, also remember that you keep a greater proportion of your income because you don't pay tax and NI. It is not as much 70:200 rather 70:140, plus he got to spend time with his dd. In fact it makes more sense to increase your earnings to around £800 pcm so you are just into the NI bracket but not paying tax. Decrease his earnings slightly if necessary to cover childcare or use his wages with childcare vouchers which are more tax efficient. As a family unit you would be £300 better off if you earnt £300 extra a month whereas you would only be £200 better off a month if he earnt an extra £300.

I would go for the financial angle, not that you aren't right with the equality and you need your job for long term security, but cold hard cash and figures will probably convince him more.

If you had the financial security that you would gain from marriage would you feel differently?

Just wanted to say, it is a myth that you gain real financial security from marriage. You gain more than if you are not married, but you do not gain real security. You have the right to ask the court to divide any marital assets on divorce, but with the absence of legal aid, you are more than likely have to resolve any financial dispute through mediation rather than being able to fight for legal rights. Long-term maintenance orders are becoming increasingly rare. Nearly half of marriages break down and women are often left in a fairly dire situation even if they are given some assets. Giving up your job will have huge consequences whether you are married or not and should not be taken lightly or in the belief that you will be okay because you are married.

This is how women get screwed over- they don't earn the largest wage (due to structural factors) so their job takes more and more of a back seat and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Then when their DH buggers off they're left high and dry with very poor earning potential.

@Racecardriver, she doesn't want her job to come first , she has already said she is working around his shifts. The issue is that he keeps getting his rota mixed up, meaning that she is expected to drop her shift.

Also not sure why you have posted in feminism, this isn't really about your sex is it?

The assumption the OP is the primary carer and the one who should give up her job is absolutely related to her sex and the expectations around that.

This IS about her sex- because the bottom line is that her DP does not feel her job and her responsibilities are as important.

Also not sure why you have posted in feminism, this isn't really about your sex is it?

Explain to me how it isn't about sex. It's about women getting the back foot yet again because I was the vessel who birthed our child and needed to takes months off my career. The one with the penis does not have that issue.

It's also expected by the ones with penises that those without should be staying at home with the children. This is definitely a feminist issue.

Also not sure why you have posted in feminism, this isn't really about your sex is it?

Think someone is in the wrong place and it isn't the OP.

Yeah I think racecardriver is new to feminism

I wouldn't say he is a sexist person - he's all for women taking on male roles, equal pay, rights etc - so why the fuck is he such a fucking dinosaur about this??

Reading what you've written, one interpretation that occurred to me is that he's simply worried about money and the responsibility that comes with being the main wage earner when there's a child to support. He's possibly putting pragmatism (how can we earn the most money for the family) over principles (how can we prioritise each other's jobs fairly). You need to sit down and talk about this. If the principle is important to you (which it sounds like it is), then you have to accept that you may need to find a better paying job or work more hours.....or simply have less money as a family. Sounds like a frank conversation about priorities is in order.

Also not sure why you have posted in feminism, this isn't really about your sex is it?

Wins a prize for The Most Nonsensical Post I have read here in a decade.

But he isn't really being pragmatic, as other posters have pointed out. Or, if he thinks he is, then there are lots of factors he hasn't thought about and he's only looking at the very short term picture.

If the principle is important to you (which it sounds like it is), then you have to accept that you may need to find a better paying job or work more hours

Why is it all the Ops responsibility to juggle this. Maybe her partner could find a better job with less shift work, which would help the Op develop her own career, maybe he could take some responsibility by not misremembering his shifts, maybe he could back his partner when his dad has a go at her.

You do need to talk though and set some boundaries with the fil.

The only way you should consider giving up work is if you can study/train for a more highly paid career. Otherwise, if you see a future in your current work, you must keep the job. You also need to convince dp to boot FIL out of your relationship. Explain how immature and childish running to Daddy with your problems and paperwork is.

you have to accept that you may need to find a better paying job or work more hours

Do you not think I would do this if it were an option?

If the solution to the whole problem was for me to waltz out and get a better paying job, then I'd be laughing. I'm also working 11-12 hour shifts entirely on my feet with two 20 minute breaks. I can't possibly work more hours.

ltk that is a wonderful option and something I want for the long term - real training in a career that I'm passionate about and pays. I've been trying to figure out how it would work going to college + work + childcare, sadly I can't see a way through it until son goes to school.

OP, you strike me as exceptionally articulate and with an attitude that will take you a long way. Stick with it.

(If that sounds patronising, it isn't meant to be! I have a DC close to your age and wish they sounded half as responsible and together.)

Some colleges have creches. Some will let you do courses partly or mainly online. Maybe start a thread about how others have managed? Maybe you could put in the background work now, then the part that takes fulltime work comes later? You sound strong and grounded. What kind of job interests you?

What Kittie said. You are articulate and about the same age as my gormless brood.

Keep going and when your DC is school age you will be in a position to pick up more hours/responsibility and to move to better paying work.

If your DP wants you to stay at home, he needs to be in a position to cover not only the day to day expenses, but the long term hit of lower wages, lower pension, lower expectations of progression through a career, and money for your personal needs beyond just food and clothes - such as education, and interests hobbies and entertainment that do not coincide with his desires and things like being able to choose to buy your own fancy mobile phone for your own pleasure.

If he cannot cover this and do it with good grace, then he needs to shut up and work with you to further both of your careers, because that is your long term future together.

Women who didn't work for money but did childcare instead came from an age where men married and then supported them to do this, and long after the kids left home.

Your DP doesn't house or feed you or his DC. He hasn't married you, so you and your child have no claim to financial support at all if he leaves.

I think it's hard for men to admit that their role - and any chance of control - has diminished as women become more independent. They sure as hell like using the extra money, though. And the opportunity to FO with no strings.

DP might want to play the benevolent paterfamilias, but he's already chosen not to take on the annoying bits like supporting his family or marrying his DC's mother. He doesn't get any more choices. Look after yourself.

I'd be far more tempted to stay home if he shared the spending money fairly. But he has 400 and you have 80, even though you aren't sitting on your arse, you're doing the majority of the childcare. Which implies he wouldn't value you're role if you were at home.

You didn't have to be the one who took parental leave. You could have gone back to work and been the sole earner or just hired a nanny/used other childcare after recovering from birth. Many women do. But you didn't. The issue here is that you don't earn enough to get to choose what you do. Nor does you partner. Your predicament is 100% a rwdult of your career choices rather than your sex.

Are men regularly pressured to SAH? Because all the people I know what were, just happened to own vaginas. Super coincidence!

If your husband can earn £200 bonus why don't you get childcare and both go to work when you have a clash of shifts ?